Hi Steve,
The area I would like to succeed in is writing. A few things I have written have been printed in the local paper. One was a poem that my father read and found interesting. He asked me questions about it. That was great. One was an article about African American history. My father flipped out. He was a very prejudiced man and it must have made his skin crawl that I would write about "that subject". He couldn't seperate out his feelings and just be supportive that I had written something good and got it printed. It really hurt me. But, it was really my own self-doubts that stopped me from pursuing that particular project further. Naturally the self-doubts come from my upbringing. But it was me that stopped myself from writing more. I mean that I could have kept on writing about what I'm interested in and stop needing his approval. It's not like he was the editor of the paper.
I believe it probably wasn't possible for me to overcome those self-doubts at that time, though. Now with the things I've learned over the five years since I wrote that article, I at least recognize my role in sabotaging my goal. It's a start. Still have to unlearn the terrible things I tell to myself. "Maybe I can't really write," "Nobody will be interested in these topics," "Nobody will print this," "What if they print it and I made mistakes?" It goes on and on and on. But since it's me doing this, it's way more fixable.
I'm taking baby steps. A few weeks ago I learned of a poetry reading in town and thought I might like to go. Bought the book, wrote it on the calendar, and told myself it was just the kind of thing I would like to do. Today was the day. I was tired from work and would have liked to take a nap. But I knew I would kick myself later if I didn't go. This time my negative thoughts were: I was worried I wouldn't like the poetry, was worried nobody else would be there, all kinds of dumb things.
Well, it was good. I liked the poetry, the poet was friendly, she had a great voice and style, there were ten other people there. Nothing I worried about happened. Came home and dusted off my folder of rough drafts and worked on four old poems. Doubts kept creeping in as I was working. But I printed out the new drafts anyway. Small success. Just baby steps I know. But I am trying to be good to myself in order to heal myself.
I realize you are talking about success in a career and as a way of making your living. I know that adds a lot of pressure. I guess I'm just saying, sometimes it might help to break it up into manageable tasks. And sometimes you will have to disagree with what's going on in your own head.
Hopefully, this is not too naive. Also, I'm not trying to blame you. It's just that even if you never saw your father again, there would probably still be that voice in your head, all those internalized criticisms and hurts.
Pennyplant
