Oh Hoppy!
I don't know what to say. That's too much! Too much!! No one is as wise as Buddha. Thankyou for such an overly generous compliment. I really appreaciate your kindness, Hop. Thanks so much.
Jac: I second what Hop said. That was so mean and cruel and nasty and sick of your mother! Makes me want to give her what I call.....the duct tape treatment!! It's something I envision, sometimes.
That's where I imagine the abuser sitting in an arm chair, with their wrists duct taped to the arms of the chair, their ankles duct taped to the legs of the chair, and their mouth...duct taped shut (in such a way as to not cause pain but to keep the person seated and quiet) so I can give them a piece of my mind!! Boy! Would I love to do that for a few people!!
I would tell them that I understand that they may have also been treated badly during their childhood and that I'm sorry for their pain but that that does not give them an excuse to hurt
anyone, including and especially
any child! I would say that they might benefit by hearing about compassion and that they might need to learn what that is. Then I would subject them to hours and hours of examples/stories/lectures of those who have shown compassion and helped others and hours and hours of expressing my own feelings, how I felt, being abused and how those who have shown compassion have helped me. Maybe I would then bring those they've hurt into the room so they could express their pain to the person who treated them with cruelty and ask that person to speak of those who have been compassionate to them and those who have helped them become
other....than cruel!!!
In the end....would it do any good? Maybe. Maybe not. But it's an interesting fantasy eh?
Anastasia:
I think she is reliving her emotional hurt by foisting it on me, i.e. her mother always told her she "wished I hadn't had you." So, my Grandmother said it to my Mother; and my Mother said the same things to me--only my Mother is sicker. Much sicker, more selfish and self-centered, crueler.
This makes me proud to know you, even though only on a cyber board, because you have truly stopped the cycle of abuse! You give me hope!! You have done something amazing! You have learned and behaved with kindness, even though you were treated so cruelly. Hats off to you Anastasia! And Jac too!!
No, I didn't repeatedly tell my child I wish he wasn't born over and over. Gosh, I really, really wanted to be a mother by the time I had him (33). He was really wanted by me. And I tried to give him what I missed in life as best as I could.
And I bet when and if you ever get old an senile, you won't be saying any different. I bet your son will know that you want him and love him and always will. What a truly beautiful thing!!
To be honest, I hate telling my story alot because it makes people react so strongly--that I end up feeling bad because I made them feel sad.
I know what you mean, I think. It seems people, at least the ones I know, who have had happy, healthy childhoods, who have parents they love and whom they feel love them, have reacted by expressing sadness when I have shared the least of the pain related to my childhood, with them. I felt like I was imposing on them, I guess. I don't like seeing people sad, so that kind of discouraged me from talking about it with them.
When I think about it, isn't that a "normal" reaction (that those people expressed sadness)? I mean, it is sad, isn't it? It's sad to think of any child who has not received love and kindness in childhood from their parents and so really.....that reaction is to be expected. It's my reaction to it too.
It's the unworthy feelings some of us have deep inside that drums up the ...."I felt like I was imposing on them" and the "I end up feeling bad" reactions in us to their saidness, eh? Not enough that we felt unwanted, unloved, mistreated, abused, treated cruelly, whatever, by one or more of our parents.....but also......that left us feeling unworthy of imposing our terrible stories of the circumstances on others, as if we don't deserve to speak about it.....because "people react strongly" and because they "feel sad", on our account.
I think I will probably never feel comfy talking about my childhood experiences with many people, especially those who haven't been treated in the same or similar manner. It almost seems abusive to do so. And I know that is a totally insane statement, however, it feels like that to me.
With others who have known the pain, have had similar experiences, it's not like that, for me. I think we are able to comfort and care for eachother, without causing eachother to feel like we've imposed or caused some great distress that invokes some kind of ..........guilt in us.
I'm glad you have a friend in life you can share with. That is so nice. What a blessing.
I'm also glad you are feeling better and it helped to post here. Keep posting, if it helps. This is a good place.
Sela
