feeling rejected all around

[prettyinpink]

It's a beautiful day outside  , but somehow I am feeling sad. 

Last weekend my SIL and brother travelled 350miles there and back on Sunday to get a new puppy.  They were 20mins. from my house, after leaving the highway.  It's been 28years since they were in the city, it's always me that travels to them, over the years.  She wrote an email to all the family letting us know of their new pup (one of their dogs died over a month ago, left with one dog & 3 cats).  Then, two days later, after my 'congratulations email' I sent them, she wrote me 'guess where we got the pup'!  "We were going to call you, and maybe stop by but......".  No phone call before their trip, no phone call during.......and they managed to get home by 6:30pm.  When I emailed her afterwards to let her know how close they were, and that I was home ALL day, she wrote how awful they felt.   I have written her a kind & to the point email this morning, that I don't hold grudges, but that I AM hurt by their not calling, not stopping in either before or after getting the pup.

My SIL has control issues, and perhaps this IS all about control.  I don't know.  They haven't any children, have been together since they were 20 (30years), and I don't expect them to understand what it feels like to have no family around, and my sons not around as much, having separated 4 months ago from my NH.  How can they, but recently my SIL expressed to me how much it hurt HER that her own sister, who was visiting friends nearby them, wanted to 'stop by' on their way home, and she felt offended by this.  She feels it should be the other way around.....and doesn't feel like a priority.  Her Dad died last fall, and her mother three years ago....abusive, alcoholic father, mean, mean guy, and a mother who was emotionally vacant.  She tells me that she feels I am like another sister to her, but why would she do THIS?  I am feeling hurt, and trying to let this go.

I think, that because I've felt rejected emotionally by my mother (a N) and my own father is emotionally distant, then the verbal/emotional abuse I've experienced all these years from my NH, together with the separation, triggers big feelings of rejection for me.  This just topped it!!!  I need some help getting past this.  Pip

[BJ]

Hi Pip,
I only have a minute, but I wanted to say that this really sounds like it's about HER and not you. There is no excuse for no call or visit after being so close. My guess is they were focused on themselves and the new dog...and, don't take this personally...but they weren't thinking about you or anything else. Sad...absolutely! Unfortunate...yes! But, realize who you are and do something nice for yourself....you deserve it! It doesn't have to include them.

I have many stories like this too and I often go to rejection, too. I find though, if I can think clearly and positively about who I am...who I know me to be...then I see the truth is not about being rejected. So, think about who you are and how you deserve to be treated, rather than, how some people with other agendas may have been thoughtless. Gotta go now.
Hope your spirits are lifted thinking about your goodness!
BJ

[moonlight52]

hi prettyinpink  it is so hard to understand when hurtful things like this are done .there can be so many reasons why. maybe you can say i need you to explain more .maybe they were effected by the thoughtlessness of mom or dad more than you .i can understand how this experiance could trigger your feelings of being hurt by parents .ask her why and tell her your feelings if you want .i have spent years pushing down my feelings to not bother others .its hard just to keep over looking stuff .if you think you can get some good feed back i would just say this still kinda hurts my feelings are still hurting  and see what feedback you get .when people want to control that is because they are afraid inside maybe. hugs to you time helps hugs to you
moonlight

[prettyinpink]

BJ, and Moonlight,

I appreciate the reminder that it's not about rejection, nor about me at all.  I know that they were only thinking about getting their dog, the timing of the trip, and themselves.  What it triggered in me, the rejection, is for sure a sore spot for me.  I am still so vulnerable & sensitive with my 12 year relationship with my NH not working out, the NC for 4 months, and my own history with my mother mostly. 

When it comes to 'thinking about who I am and how I deserve to be treated'....I am still working on this.  After 8 years of verbal/emotional abuse from my NH, I am just putting ME back together.  It's my heart that's broken, a little of my spirit, and my trust.  When people do things like this, even tho' it's not personal, it FEELS personal, cause it affects me, and the fact that they were probably not even 'thinking about me', hurts. 

The good news is that after reading my morning email, since I posted here, where I expressed my feelings of hurt, she called me to sincerely apologize.  I asked her why? and expressed what I was feeling and thinking about it, and she was wonderful.  She said too, that it IS everyone else's turn to visit me, after 30 years of me mostly going down there 350miles from home.  Now, it IS their turn, she agreed.  So, it pays to let it out and not bury it.   Oh, by coincidence, their recent dog that passed away, his name (a boxer) was BJ.  Funny eh?  And he was wonderful, as I'm sure you are, B.J.  Thanks to both of you.  Pip

[Hopalong]

Hi PIP,
I can so understand that sensitivity to not being noticed, wanted, included.
What a miracle that your SIL turns out to be a GOOD person in your present who can understand!

Sounds like the potential for friendship there, do you think?
You deserve it, Pip.

Nothing wrong with you at all but painful memories, and I believe you will heal them.
It's hard when the past "bleeds" into the present, and wonderful when we can catch more moments of being "present." Especially when painful things are triggered.

I'm glad you posted this.

Hops

[mum]

Hey, Pip. It's fun to pick up on a post after the poster has resolution with thier situation, as you have. Finding that pain can turn into a blessing is so amazing, isn't it?
 Clearly, you are blessed....thus the good things happening....keep that good feeling, there will be more....