Missing

[Sugarre]

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[seasons]

Sugaree,

Has she had contact with her siblings? I can't imagine not knowing how she is, it must be very painful for you.
Could you let them know you would love to hear from her, to know she is o.k. and safe. I would gently reach out and hope you get some feed back. Then I would take further steps if you get no answers.

Wishing you the best of luck in your search. ((seasons))

[Hopalong]

Oh Sugarre,
I am so sorry.

If I can relate from my experience, my guess is your daughter's emotional circuits were overwhelmed by all you were going through, and the divorce on top of it was just too much. It's a wound, and though she DOES love you, right now talking to you triggers emotion she can't handle. It's not your fault. You did the best you could at the time and she knows that. I would bet my boots she will find her strength and grow up some more, and then will be able to ease into a new adult relationship with you.

But I do know so well how very painful it is when they do that...isolating, cutting you off. It is horrible. I am very sorry you have that to endure. I hope that enduring it for a time is all that is needed. I am very glad she wrote you and assured you of her love.

I just called my daughter at her work to tell her her grandmother's ill. I just said to her, without sounding too angry...I would really appreciate it if you would return my calls. She is nice but defensive, oh I am just so busy and I was planning to call you today or tomorrow...I'm fine just swamped. So I told her, hon, you really do not have to have big conversations with me when you're not up for it. But a five-second voicemail that just says, I'm fine, or busy, or whatever, is all I'm asking.

I know sometimes talking with me has been traumatic for her because we are very close and I too have had my cycles of anxiety and depression...sometimes I have just overloaded her. Or, we'd trigger each other. She has her own emotional perils and she can't take mine on. Can't handle my pain on top of her own. (Shouldn't have to, either.) So she isolates. And then when she does that (won't call back, etc.)--I feel worried and after a while, resentful.

But when we reconnect she is 90% wonderful. She can be very loving and giving. I don't know what paralyses her from communicating sometimes, but if I just wait it out she usually comes through lovingly. Alone in the dark, and when I'm feeling alone with the burden of my mother, I get paranoid that my daughter's an N. But I don't think so...it's just that although I don't do it any more, for too many years I made her my friend instead of my child. And that's just too heavy a burden for a kid.

I'm not an objective judge of these things so I don't know if this is good advice, but I feel it's okay for a kid to learn that a few obligatory check-in calls, particularly if the parent does not do an emotional melt-down and demonstrates "I am not asking you to take care of me" in their tone of voice... anyway, I think it's good for a young person to learn that their parents are still learning and evolving too. And that if the parent isn't throwing their whole mental health in the lap of the child, then it's okay for a child to learn there IS some obligation to be in touch now and then. I think so anyway. So, if you do know where she works or lives, and could leave a message in that sort of tone, I'd do it. Or if you have an address to write to, and can keep it very calm and to the point, then that would be worth doing too.

Maybe something like, "I do not want to call you at work, but I do need to know you're okay. So if I don't hear from you by ___, then I'll call your workplace just to be sure." Maybe something like that?

Or maybe it's not good advice....check with others too, since I'm maybe too close to this issue.

We'll learn together.

Hops

[pennyplant]

Wow, this is really challenging for me.  My son was born when I was 18 and I was nearly always in some kind of panic about something.  Those were not good years for us.  I was so angry all the time.

My son has actually talked to me about those times and said he thinks it was good that we grew up together--that's how he thinks of it.  We've sort of agreed to disagree about that.

I still feel tentative with him.  We are similar in some ways and I had trouble knowing where he left off and I began.  That lasted for a very long time.  So, I try very hard now not to "step on toes" with him.  That is a large part of why I am tentative with him.

He on the other hand is incredibly busy with his life and his friends and enjoying adventures in his 20s that I don't even know exist!!  So, he often forgets to call us or forgets holidays.  (He lives several hours away).   For a short period of time, he was in the middle of moving and I realized I had forgotten to ask for the address of the temporary place.  What a dummy!!  What if something had happened and I didn't know how to reach him?  We used to have the phone numbers of his friends but that is something that changes over time.  Luckily at that time he was calling every few weeks and I finally remembered to ask him for an address.  Since then, I learned he has a cell phone, so that number never changes even if his address does.

So, how does this help Sugarre and Hops???

Well, for one, I do think it can be normal not to hear from them for long stretches of time.  Even if they are not stressing about things in their lives, they still are independent adults.  My son hates to ask for help and will only do so if there is absolutely no alternative.  They need to know they can solve their own problems.  And they want their own solutions.  Our solutions will not "fit".  We are from a different time and perspective.

For Sugarre--it sounds like it is something a little more with your daughter.  That was a good suggestion to see what your other daughters have heard from her.  It is important to have a good address and phone number so that she can be reached in an emergency.  But I'm not so sure I would contact her in order to let her know you are worried.  If at all possible, have something neutral to contact her about.  Something to connect with her on, but no pressure on her.  Something to keep the connection alive.  But she has to go through her healing process.  It might take a long time.

If she is in a precarious situation, well, aren't there legal limits to what you can be responsible for since she is over 21?  I'm asking because I'm unclear about the real options in a situation like that.  My aunt got into a precarious situation, but my mother, even being the closest relative, doesn't really have any legal responsibilities or rights since her sister is a competent adult.  So, in that particular case, law enforcement and social service agencies stepped in.

My gut tells me your daughter is just in her healing process.  But I know you must be worried if you're considering filing a missing persons report.  Can you call law enforcement and find out what the criteria are for that situation and if they have any advice for you without having to actually file a report unless necessary?  Just to get information.  These are my suggestions without really knowing much.  I might be way out there and then just take it with a grain of salt.

For Hoppy, it sounds more like a matter of fine-tuning your relationship with your daughter.  She's there, she's talking to you, it's just coming up with some back and forth that works for both of you.  Oh, I think that is the main thing in just about every relationship!  For me, it's hard because of the different generations, the past history, the individual differences in personalities.  I mean they came from us, but that doesn't guarantee they will like us all the time.  Or us them.  My son does things I just can't fathom.  At those times I can't believe he actually came out of my body.  Had to learn to accept a lot of things that went against my grain.  Then I meet parents all the time who say, well I would NEVER let my son or daughter do such and such.  And I feel sorry for those kids.  Their own parents won't let them be themselves.  One of my pet peeves I guess.

Well, don't know how helpful my thoughts are.  I guess I'm saying try to separate out the annoying stuff from the things that are serious concerns.  Then for those, find out helpful infomation, break it down into manageable tasks and then see what happens.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

I'm not so sure I would contact her in order to let her know you are worried.  If at all possible, have something neutral to contact her about.  Something to connect with her on, but no pressure on her.

That sounds MUCH smarter to me, PP.

And ditto about the healing and the long time. Hang in, Sugarre.

3000 miles is about as far away as a kid can get. Jeez!
I don't know how you could not be worrried.

Let us know...hope the siblings are able to update you.

(((All Us Done-Our-Best Moms))))

Hops

[moonlight52]

hi hops,pp,seasons and sugarre,   most moms do the best they can .my two daughters are everything to me.it would seem i can not protect them from every hurt though i want to.even when i know and they know i have done my best and how dearly i love both of them most
of the time in the back of my mind i think is love enough?i do support them ,love them and have funny and  loving  moments with them but because of the abuse i have suffered , they have seen me struggle so much. i wonder if they respect me?i know they know wow moms suffered alot they understand i am not to blame .they have seen me overcome alot.but still i wonder has my deep love and respect for them
been enough for them to respect me? when they have seen me suffer so much .i think they see me as weak and just wish they had a different mom at times .the oldest saw more of my weakness  ie suffering and i do not feel she respects me sometimes. also now  that she is at home i mean she is kind and loving but treats me as a child at times in front of my 13 year old which is not good.
after her hospital stay she has needed to come home. i know after being on her own all these years (shes 27)thats hard for her to come back home and i believe i maybe getting some indirected anger.i do understand.they both love me.but  there are things about me they wish were different.but sometimes when i am alone in my room i put my head in my pillow and cry  and feel like such a failure as a mom .the most important job and i feel i have made so many mistakes.my oldest girl sez she wishes i had been more of a strict mom .because of physical abuse from n dad and verbal attacks as well with my children i went so the other way that i lost sight of being more strict.they sure do feel free to voice their feelings which is good.both children know they are loved deeply.
i just do not know ,what i do know is i have not harmed them,always tried to understand their feelings so i guess i should be glad they
have no fear of me nobody does( i want to be scary )thats no way to gain respect .guess pennyp quote is the best advice.
its hard to be a super great mom i guess theres always going to be something we have done wrong.they have seen me
cry too much maybe.sugarre i am sure she will reach out to you soon .
moonlight

[pennyplant]

Hi Moonlight,

So many ideas here that I think many of us can identify with:

i think they see me as weak and just wish they had a different mom at times .the oldest saw more of my weakness  ie suffering and i do not feel she respects me sometimes.

but sometimes when i am alone in my room i put my head in my pillow and cry  and feel like such a failure as a mom .the most important job and i feel i have made so many mistakes.my oldest girl sez she wishes i had been more of a strict mom .

what i do know is i have not harmed them,always tried to understand their feelings

For me it was a little different, but I relate to the oldest child seeing a not very good version of myself and the youngest (six years age difference) having what I consider to be a better mother.  In fact, worrying about that delayed me improving how I dealt with my oldest.  Too much pride I guess.  But I got over that eventually.  And it doesn't seem to me that the oldest feels he was robbed or anything.  He seems to feel that I did the best I could.  He has admitted in the past that he was especially "challenging" as a child.  He was glad for some of the strictness.  I regret the strictness.  Probably because I know it came out of my fear and I was trying to control him so nothing bad would happen.  I don't like that motivation.

I don't see strictness in you, Moonlight, and I can see why you wouldn't want to do anything that might resemble what N father did.  Have your girls turned out well?  If so, then I think you raised them the right way, whatever way it was, lenient or strict.

My sons have turned out well, and remarkably similar to each other in some ways.  So, it seems like my evolving mothering style maybe didn't have the impact I might have thought!!

You did no harm and you're understanding.  Very valuable qualities, imo. 

Yes, we do our best.  And our kids are resilient for the most part.  I think Maya Angelou is the one who said, "You do the best you know how.  When you know better, you do better."   One of my favorite sayings....

Pennyplant

[cat]

Hiya Moonlight,

As a daughter who has done this, I'd like to offer you some reassurance.  When I left for college, I was very busy.  It was the first time in my life that I had some freedom.  I was doing things I had never had the chance to do before:  a touring choir, varsity volleyball, Resident Assistant - and of course, there were always studies.

I was too busy to call - and I really really didn't want to write (that took too long!)  I would get crabby notes from my dad asking me to write - and then I'd write . . probably twice a school year (we didn't have email back in those days.) 

Eventually us girls realized that our mom was an N and very controlling.  No matter if we called or write, it was never good enough.  So we just stopped.  BUT HERE THIS. . . to this day, I have a very good relationship with our Dad.  When he takes the time to write us (we frame the letters!)  My mom and dad are still married. . .but it was Dad who waited us out patiently, who was glad to hear from us - and didn't guilt us or shame us.

Stay the course - love your children - and they will come back. 

[moonlight52]

hello i do not think i explained myself very well.i have a n-dad .i have been married to a good guy 33 years.we have a 27 year old and a 13 year old ,
both are at home .the 27 year old recently went thur a very rough time and has come back home.when i was a young mom my oldest child saw more of the pain i went thur and i believe she saw me as weak at times.both girls know they are loved,as well they love me .
my 27 year old has tried to be her little sisters mom at times and also because as a younger mom she saw me struggle more.
she has seen that pain as weakness.with the 13 year old i understand more and am more stable and the respect is there .
we are working as a team more and just this evening we all went out to eat and to see a movie.well it was wonderful and funny as
my husband and i were walking to the car .our girls were just ahead of us holding hands and they were being so silly and skipping to the car.overnight our 27 year old has found it more fun to be less critical .  thats cool. pennyp i thank you  and love to you.
 you always know the right turn of phrase "you do the best you know how.when you know better you do better"yes pp they have turned out well .maybe i take their emotional temperature too often. sugarre  maybe your daughter is absorbing all that has occurred and just needs a little time to reconnect with you .you are such a good mom and maybe she just needs to sort out her feelings too .moonlight