Morning Beth, congrads on getting that written down and out. Better out than in, as we say here.
My Dad is a compulsive hoarder and his ancient car smells, bad that is (kind of years of sun-baked in sweat, probably from previous owners too, which is kinda yuckier than if it was just his family’s excretions).
Am I embarrassed about it….not really. I used to be embarrassed about all sorts of stuff. I felt I had to protect mum and stepdad from outsiders’ views on their strange lifestyle. No-one could visit unless stepdad liked them (that meant no friends of mine); I wasn’t allowed to talk to my bio-dad for the hour-long Sunday calls on the telephone (had to use the public phone a mile away); they kept weird hours (stayed up until 2/3/4 am and slept late, they didn’t work); they chose to live in a very remote place and didn’t go anywhere other than the weekly shop…etc. Outsiders (like bio-dad) used to say to me “but what do they do all the time?” and I felt I had to defend them.
I haven’t defended anyone in my family for about 2 years I guess. And I stopped being embarrassed too. I sort of realised that although I’m a product of that dispersed family, I am not them. I have my life and they have theirs and those are completely separate.
The things they do, the way they live, the views and beliefs they have – none of it has anything to do with me now.
I am going there to visit, and this is a large reason why I will stay with them. If not, my dad will feel bad.
What your Dad feels isn’t your responsibility. If your Dad is ashamed of how they live, then it’s up to him to do something about it. If you say, ‘I’ll stay at a hotel’ and he thinks ‘you’re ashamed of this place’ it means he doesn’t like it (if he didn't care, your decision wouldn't bother him). If he doesn’t like it, it’s up to him to change it. It’s not your problem. But pretending that the problem doesn’t exist and that it doesn’t bother you….?
Do you think you’ll be a ‘bad daughter’ if you don’t go out of your way to 'keep the peace'? Why should you feel bad (guilty?) for other peoples’ problems?
They have had the opportunity to move to many nicer places, but it is too embarrassing to show the house and impossible, frankly, to do anything with it except nuke it.
I guess they don’t want to move, otherwise they would have done it? People might moan and groan about wanting to change, but it’s up to them to do it. You can’t do it for them?
Write,
I’m sure there are many parts of England where people still take one bath a week, and nothing else. I bet there’s still a north/south split too! I remember when folks started installing showers and showering once a day. Where I come from (you know where) we regarded these people as daft southerners.
At sixth form college in the late 70s we did some local charity work and I ended up cleaning this old woman’s house. She kept her coal in the bath, honestly. I moved it but I bet she put it straight back. And why not? Her choice, her right to choose!
I want to repeat what you said write.
Beth, your parents were supposed to take care of you, not the other way around.
Right now you’re independent and so are they. The way they live today is zero to do with you – and you don’t have to buy into their lifestyle.
