My N-mom

[Lynneye]

My n-mom is the meanest person in the world to me.  Nobody else I have ever known or met can compare.  Let me know what you think about the most recent example.  I got married to my husband in 2000. I have been living apart from my husband ( five states away) for the last two years, as he is getting our house ready to put on the market (it needed a lot of work).  We are planning to finally list the house at the end of May, and he will finally move here to be with me then.  This year we won't be together for our wedding anniversary - it is tomorrow.  Today I receive an anniversary card in the mail from her - addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Doe (I didnt want to put our real name).  She managed to write in "6th" before anniversay.  Signed much love, MOM, in very big letters. 

Why would she address the card to Mr. and Mrs. when she knows he isn't here and won't be here for the anniversary?

Why send a card at all - when she knows we are not even together to celebrate the anniversary this year?

Then she called this evening, and she managed to say 'Happy Anniversay" several times.  No, mom its not very happy - we have been apart for going on two years, and won't be together on the day!!!!   

Is this certifiable N- behavior?

[Hopalong]

Hello, Lynneye,

Not knowing anything else, can't convict her to the N jail.

My reaction was different. I thought, just on the face of the story, it sounds as though her mother is trying to be kind.

Just don't know enough to see the N in her gesture. It might have been a little clunky, but it doesn't come across as cruel. Can't picture her...so can't picture her intention.

Hopalong

[Portia]

Hi Lynneye

I sense that you’re really angry and I get very angry when my mother does similar things. But me getting angry isn’t always as a result of her doing something on purpose to hurt me – it’s just me reacting. I could be wrong about what she intends? 

Instead of sending you a card, would you be happier if she’d ignored your anniversary altogether?

Or maybe she could have just addressed a card to you, and left your husband off it?

Would those options make you feel any better? How would you react to these?

[reallyME]

Lynn,

I too would have to know more in order to say one way or the other if I could commisserate with you on this situation.  Though I realize that you have been apart from your husband for 2 years and that's painful, I am trying to figure out if your mother was meaning well by wishing you well, or being a complete butt-head by rubbing your nose in it.  I am wanting to lean toward the latter, but that's because I despise N's in general or anything that smacks of their form of cruelty.

~ReallyME

[Lynneye]

Thanks for your replies, they helped me think about this. 

Yes, she is rubbing my nose in the fact that we have been apart so long.  Her point is that there is no relationship left - ha ha!  Happy Anniversary!!  Enjoy being alone!

The reason you don't understand just from the first post is because there are so many more incidents that have happened.  Because I am so used to other mean actions from over the years, this one thing causes me to think she is again being mean.  And it hurts a lot because this is one area I am very sensitive-my marriage.  Instead of a card, I would have liked a phone call from her actually asking me how I am FEELING, but this would be an act of caring she could not do.  By the way in the phone call yesterday the first thing she said was that there are 300 houses in her town (close to mine) that are in foreclosure because of the horrible real estate market there.   Hope you sell your house, Lynn!

Two things are at work here - she is mad because I moved away from her two years ago. Also, she has a problem with my husband - she doesn't like him and thinks he is a bad husband/partner for me.  I feel that in her heart she wishes we would have gotten divorced over the last 2 years, and I would have moved back near her.  So, since I moved here (Florida, from Michigan), she has not given me ANY emotional support at all.  To the point of actually causing problems rather than just doing/saying nothing.

It is all about her - she only sees how it bothers her that I have moved.  Does not see how hard it is for me - away from husband and dogs.  We have been supporting 2 households for the last 2 years and it has been very difficult.  On top of it I have to put up with her picking on me for the last 2 years in her various devious ways.

Lynn

[Hopalong]

NOW I get it, Lynne.
I'm so sorry.

Thank you for the context, and let your pain become anger become energy to sustain you through this passage.

I wish every joy for you and your husband, as you walk forward. And your time is coming.
You are the generation now...she is a reminder to me of what NOT to do to an adult child as they move forward into forming their own family, no matter WHAT I think of the spouse.

Grrr. I'm sorry she's the child.

Hops

[Sugarbear]

Lynn -

I am so sorry that your mother treats you this way and is so selfish. It is hard to deal with the lack of support that you should be able to expect from a mother.

My mother likes to "punish" me when I don't conform to her demands, her needs, her "wisdom."

I married at 29, after living with my mother for 10 years in a weird, parent/child relationship and she has always felt I abandoned her, and while she does not hate my husband, to her, he is an annoyance and gets angry when i would rather spend time with him or be in my own house...

I currently don't speak to her after a horrible fight and me finally standing up to her and telling her I wasn't going to be her nurse, caretaker and best friend anymore after tricking me into being her nursemaid after a surgery she had. She has alienated every friend and family member except for me, and you would think that would make her act nicer to me, wouldn't you?

My mother's influence put a strain on my marriage, and she was cruel and hurtful as often as not and it took me a long time to see that I was neglecting myself and my husband in order to appease her. I finally realized that I was NOT responsible for her life, I did NOT have to put up with her treating me like that anymore, and I told her so. That I loved her, but was tired of jumping through her hoops and taking her critisism about the way I lived my life, so either she respected my boundaries and treated me better, or I did not want to have a relationship with her.

Needless to say, it didn't go over well, and she chose to call me a cold, heartless b!tch and pushed me away. I felt very guilty for a while, but after the guilt, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off. I feel so much better without her influence in my life. I have spoken with her a few times in the last couple of months, and I am remaining distant but pleasant, no intimate details of my life, no feelings, and not getting drawn into her drama. It seems to be working!

I don't know what you are getting from continuing a relationship with your mother, but if all she does for you is treat you badly, maybe it is something to think about - distancing yourself from her, calling her on her passive/aggressive jabs and manipulations, and putting YOUR needs first.

(((Lynn)))

[Portia]

Hi Lynn

Instead of a card, I would have liked a phone call from her actually asking me how I am FEELING, but this would be an act of caring she could not do.

I agree, that’s what I thought reading your first post. But it doesn’t happen eh? And she can’t do it, you’re probably right. But it still gets you angry, even though you know it ain’t gonna happen? Sorry Lynn. I feel the same myself. And that conversation about the housing market? She doesn’t think about you and your needs at all it seems.

You said “she only sees how it bothers her that I have moved” and I can see that. Hey what’s ‘emotional support’? I like that phrase! I think the most emotional support I’ve had in my entire life has been from wonderful people here on this board. Honestly. I’ve not had this kind of support from anyone ‘real’. Wow that’s quite a realisation.

Welcome btw Lynn

[pennyplant]

Dear Lynn,

My husband and I had many long separations over the years due to a job he had for ten years altogether.  The first and longest separation was when our son was three and it lasted for nine months altogether.  It was one of the top stressful times of my life.  Everything that happened to me day to day served to remind me of how much I missed him and I was very alert to all these reminders.  Very few of the people I knew at that time were thinking of it at all as any kind of explanation for how I was feeling or behaving.  It made me feel even more resentful of my situation and very jealous of other people with a "normal" life.

Those were my feelings in that particular situation of mine.  I guess I'm bringing them up because it reminds me of my vulnerability.  I thought of that feeling when I read what your situation is.  The vulnerability.  And the inability of other people to understand what that is like and be sensitive to it.

When I was going through that, I never told people how I was feeling or what I needed.  I don't think I really knew what I needed.  I was overwhelmed all the time.  Just wanted my husband home.  Wanted life to be good.  Wanted all the difficulties to go away.  I was only 22 at that time.  A very YOUNG 22.  Hmmm, maybe I should go a little easy on my young self.  But I do admit I did nothing to help myself.  Didn't know how, I suppose.  Hopefully, you have better coping mechanisms on a day to day basis than I did!

Your Mom--she is hurtful rather than supportive.  She is the wrong person to count on in this situation.  Which of course adds to your grief.  I'm not sure what you should do to help yourself get through this time.  But you should definitely NOT even consider looking to your mother for anything.  Have no expectations of her at all other than she is likely to do or say the very thing that will hurt.  Nobody needs that.  Hurtfulness should be avoided at this time.  It may be all you can do right now just dealing with the separation and finding some support for that.  Your husband is your main family now and that is the one which deserves your best energy and attention.

Pennyplant

[butterfly]

Lynn,

I am sorry for your pain.  I hope you have an alternative source of support.  I was also separated from my partner for up to six months.  The separation did not cause as much pain as the reaction of my N-mom did.  At that time in my life I was still feeding off her drama.  Pennyplant's advice regarding having no expectations of support from an N-mom has helped me.  And, Sugarbear's distant but pleasant tactic also works for me. 

However, I notice occasionally that the distance tactic alienates other family members (my younger siblings) because they are still dancing to the N tune.  Does anyone have any advice for dealing with siblings still catering to the N?  Is it possible to have an independent relationship with them? 

Butterfly

[Hopalong]

Oh, Bean, I am so GLAD!

(I envy you having a sister. I always yearned for one.)

I can imagine your joy at this sign of thaw and the start of healing.

(((((((((((((Bean and her peapod)))))))))))

Hops

[Lynneye]

Thank you to everyone for your supportive comments and posts-you have helped.

[butterfly]

Thank you for that, Bean.  I am so glad you have a glimmer of something good with your sister.  Yes, it might be a while, but many a true friendship starts off slowly.  And, it would seem, that you two are truly in the beginning stages because what came before mayhap was not real, or not really her. 

I have a younger sister as well.  She, too, was not part of my wedding planning (although she did begrudgingly show up).  But, I know that it was b/c N-mom did not approve of my marriage (or anything else I do for that matter), and sis is still "Nattached" shall we say.  I am trying to sustain a line of communication with her but it is one-sided as she rarely responds to calls or letters.   

So, . . . I would look upon your card as a diamond.  Happy for you. 

Butterfly

[moonlight52]

Hi Bean  ,  I am jump-in for joy yessssssssssss that love word. Its a good thing to hear from your sis.I understand the pain that the n parent causes between two innocent sisters my older sis just wrote me a letter after almost 15 years to say she has always loved me.
Its a good thing .Answered prayers .I am very happy for you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
moonlight