Guilt!

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya all

I hope you are well?

I’ve been debating with myself for a few days whether to post about this or not.  Why… because this sounds really selfish of me.  My work colleagues dad was really sick and died a few days ago.  I really feel for her because she was very close to her dad, but it’s also brought feelings of guilt to the surface that I feel for my own dad.  See, I told you it was selfish, after what has happened to my poor work colleague and here I am, concerned about myself.  But for this reason, I can’t really talk to anyone.

This also wasn’t helped by my SIL who went on a dementia course last week, and was telling me from what I told her previously about bio dad, it sounds like he has the beginnings of dementia, and he was ill.  While she doesn’t agree with the way bio dad treated me, she did turn round after a couple of glasses of wine and said “don’t you care?”.

I said that of course I cared.  She asked me if I loved him, and I was honest with her and said unfortunately I didn’t.

I know logically I made my decision to cut contact wisely and put a lot of thought into it, and I also know it was the right decision at the time and if I go back on it, he won’t change, things won’t change, he will still expect expect expect from me and want me to give give give all the time….  I know thinking about it rationally, I did try to speak to doctors, to find out, to get some answers, but I do still feel guilty… it’s like an all consuming guilt that wraps itself around you.  It really is a no win situation….

H&H xx

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya Stormchild

Many thanks for your response.  I didn’t explain myself very well as it’s my husband’s brother & his wife, i.e. sil is easier than husband’s brother’s wife, and they have only met n dad for one evening.  All N’s can be charming for one evening can’t they?  It’s quite amusing really as my brother (who’s not married) is my half brother and we don’t have the same fathers.  This is why I feel so alone in this.  It would be great if there were other family members to dump on me or me them, but unfortunately there isn’t.  N dad’s only other living family member is his sister who hasn’t had anything to do with him for years, and not seen him since my granddad (their dad) died which is about 8/9 years ago now.

I can understand where she is coming from, because her dad has the beginnings of dementia and it must be hard for her to understand when I look like I don’t care.  However I didn’t have the loving caring father who brought me up and while I don’t want it to sound like tit for tat…. He didn’t care about me so why should I care about him… kind of thing, which I don’t think this is the case.

H&H xx

[Sela]

Hiya H&H:

I'm glad you posted.  It's so much better than walking around feeling guilty with no one to talk to about stuff like this eh?  And we may be just cyber friends here but we are friends.

As your friend, H&H, I want to support you.  What you decided re your father IS the right thing for you.   I'm glad you have that logically worked out in your head.

I'm wondering if the guilt might be stemming from the "don't you care" comment your sil made?

That's a pretty clear message eh?  Something is wrong with you if you don't care!!  You're bad if you don't care!  Don't you care??

H&H, you are perfectly entitled to your feelings and they are valid.  You don't have to care about someone just because they are bioligically related to you.  There is no law that says you must care for those who harm you.   And it's understandable that you don't feel a strong urge to care for such a person.

The death of your work colleague's father has brought some of your feelings to the surface.  The event has reminded you, maybe, of your own situation with your dad and your feelings have emerged.  That's a logical thing to happen.  It happens all the time.

People go to weddings and cry because they remember their own joy at their own wedding or they long for their own joy at their own wedding or whatever.   Their feelings are real and valid and acceptable.

So are yours.

If your father was ill when he hurt you that does not erase that hurt he caused you.  Sick people hurt others (and they might not be able to stop themselves but that does not eliminate the pain they cause by their words and actions).  Maybe, the fact that he was likely ill at those times.......can take some of the pressure off of you?

Maybe you have thoughts/feelings that you did something or it was somehow your fault or you he specifically wanted to hurt, for some reason?  Well......that isn't true.  He was likely ill and it had nothing to do with you.
You just happened to be there......you were convenient.

Regardless, you sil isn't thinking about your feelings when she indicates (if she did, which I imagine she did), that you "should" care.  Who the heck is she?  Does she make the rules about feelings?  Do you have to check with her before you feel?  Did she care about you when she was asking don't you feel?  Who has the right to insinuate how others "should" feel?

You have no obligation to feel anything.  And you have a right......to feel.

it must be hard for her to understand when I look like I don’t care

Gee, you can have empathy for her.  Please be as kind to yourself.

(((((((((((((((((H&H)))))))))))))))))))

Sela

[seasons]

Hugs H&H,

I echo Sela's post that is so eloquently written.

Quote:
Regardless, you sil isn't thinking about your feelings when she indicates (if she did, which I imagine she did), that you "should" care.  Who the heck is she?  Does she make the rules about feelings?  Do you have to check with her before you feel?  Did she care about you when she was asking don't you feel?  Who has the right to insinuate how others "should" feel?

You have no obligation to feel anything.  And you have a right......to feel.


Quote
it must be hard for her to understand when I look like I don’t care

Gee, you can have empathy for her.  Please be as kind to yourself.  Ditto....seasons

[Hopalong]

Aww, (((((((((((H&H))))))))))), 

Sorry it's taken me to long to respond, I have computer problems and Mom's just home so I'm not able to post much right now (owe you one!):

she was very close to her dad, but it’s also brought feelings of guilt to the surface that I feel for my own dad

You haven't hurt her, and sometime later on if you want to you could always tell her a little more. She has had the gift of a good relationship, which makes grief cleaner and easier. And grief is likely to make her compassionate toward you if you want to explain.

I said that of course I cared.  She asked me if I loved him, and I was honest with her and said unfortunately I didn’t.

I think this is awesomely mature. Not everyone can embrace that, because the culture demands "love" (which can't be demanded). Good for you for being truthful with your SIL. It's no sure thing that she'll understand it, most people can't.

I think you are so right to not let guilt trick you into trying again. This is his sad but inevitable destiny, and standing close enough to watch wouldn't change it an iota. Better for you to continue your healing and remind yourself what a good person you are. You are doing such a good job with your family, and breaking the Ncycle. Think of it. You are saving generation upon generation that comes after you from the horrible pain of having an Nparent. Your grandchildren and great grandchildren won't even need to know what N is!

Trust yourself:

it was the right decision at the time and if I go back on it, he won’t change

I think if you gave in to the guilt, you'd undo some of your wonderful work with your current family.

What do you think?

((((H&H)))))

Hops

[wally]

Hi H&H,

Not to over simplify but if you were to put youself in your fathers path again, no matter how much time has passed he would most certainly use you again, and your guilt might instantly dissipate.  My S was abused by our M so bad that she has zero compassion for our M, who was diagnosed with M.S. three years ago.  She absolutely does not trust here nor will she ever (in this life).  Playing the sad victim martyr roll my M does not attract any compassion from any of the sibs, I even have my days where I go in and out.  My guilt is one of the only attachments that I have left for my N mom and N brother.  Guilt is what puts me back on the landscape with them again, and again.  I have built some protection from my M now, and am working on it for my B.  I simply see the guilt as a last attachment to the family member.

A warm man will never understand what a cold man is feeling.  We watch on television someone tracking in desperate cold conditions to save their life, as we watch we are in a warm environment.  when we are the ones with the frost bitten fingers there seems to be a cruel unsimilarity to when we where watching when we were warm.  The pain is now, real, and 20x more than ever realized before. 

My long explanation for your SIL trying to understand you is how I think those sorts of things usually play out.  She/they will understand only when their fingers are frost bitten.  Being alone certainly intensifies your guilt, but your feelings don't seem to be of wrong doings perhaps they are of helplessness.  There is nothing you can do at this point, and your attachment to your father still remains possibly through a thin line of guilt/being helpless.  Your feelings of guilt is the good in you.

Sincerely,

Wally

[CeeCee]

Hi H & H, it seems a neverending challenge, like our old belief system which validated our unworthiness has cloaked itself in this "guilt".   I love Wally's take, "it's the good in you" that responded to the "don't you care?"  It's like the old system is ever on the ready to grab any unpleasant feeling spawned and run with it.  My sister and I love to quip when we catch each other slipping, "I'm not worthy" in this silly dark voice, and then we laff and lighten back up.  I am fortunate to have my siblings, come to think of it, I'll just add that here while not completely relevant!

H & H, you are of the light, and darkness is attracted to the light, as I have come to understand.  Love and all strength of source to you as you wrestle this "demon".