It's easier to be invisible and N's behaviour

[seasons]

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[Sela]

Hi Seasons:

It sounds like being invisible is much easier for you when you are/will be around your sister.  I think it was kind and generous and thoughtful and considerate of you to dress in a cheery outfit to please your sister and I think it was very typical N behaviour of her to make a big insulting fuss, loudly proclaiming her shock about how good you looked ,and then spread her opinion and that sentiment all around.

Next time.........I hope you will be as kind and generous and thoughtful and considerate of YOURSELF.........as you were of her.... and dress in whatever way feels best and whatever way will draw the least "attention" from her.

  So sad that you wish only to give something good and nice to her and she not only does not even see that but turns your gift into something embarassing and hurtful.

((((((((((((((Seasons)))))))))))))))))

I suggest you save your gifts for those who will appreciate them.  So sorry she's probably not going to ever do that and will not likely act in a way that will be good for you. 

Please take care of you.

   Sela

[Hopalong]

Hey Seasons,
No harm in wearing a bright pretty outfit.
Only harm was, imho, telling her "I did it for you."

Wear something that makes YOU happy next time, and when she starts the knife-twisting, say:
I did it for me.

Then when she makes remark after remark, try the broken-record technique (this really exhausts Ns, because no matter what they say, you repeat the same response)...calmly, with no affect, no emotional emphasis, just calmly delivering a fact, maybe a little bored...as many times as she wants to refer to it, calmly, maybe a little bored, you could just repeat:

I did it for me.

She won't get it, but eventually, she'll shut up.

((((((((((((Seasons)))))))))))))

Hops

[Hop guest]

Good lord, Jac.
This is magnificent, deeply insightful advice and magnificent writing:

Stay focused on you - and not her.  Let her spiral down in her own fears and insecurities.  If you can do this, her hurtful words might be thrown at you, but they'll just fall to the floor in a pile of dust when they hit the reality of who you really are - in my opinion, probably someone your sister desperately wishes to be.

How fortunate we are...all of us...to be here together, helping each other.

Hops

[Angie]

N's will be N's.  That was very sweet of you to still think of pleasing her.  My sister in law is an N and she says things like "you look like crap today".  When I have actually made an effort to get ready.  It seems like each time that I feel almost half way decent about myslef she makes rude comments about how dumb I look or how I need something done with myself.  And the worst part of it all is that she is no prize herself.  But it never fails, she always manages to point out my flaws in front of people and try to make me look stupid.  Then when she is finished making me feel like I look stupid...then she starts on my being a "dumb blonde" and tries to make me feel like an idiot in front of people.  If it's not one thing it's something else.  She's very tactless and rude.  And it's all done out of maliciousness and spite.  I don't understand what makes these people tick...any why you'd have to do that to someone.  I couldn't imagine saying some of the things she has said to me...especially with a straight face!

[Angie]

I guess my parting words to you would be to just be careful with yourself around her.  Stay focused on you - and not her.  Let her spiral down in her own fears and insecurities.  If you can do this, her hurtful words might be thrown at you, but they'll just fall to the floor in a pile of dust when they hit the reality of who you really are - in my opinion, probably someone your sister desperately wishes to be.


One thing that I have noticed is that if YOU are happy then THEY are not happy until you aren't happy anylonger.  The best revenge on a narcissist is happiness...and letting nothing they have to say or do come between you and being happy.  Once they realise that they can't determine your mood or actions, they eventually quit trying.  Can somebody say "Praise the Lord"!