Introducing me

[trailingclouds]

Hi, there,

I'm new to this board having recently discovered my long-term b/f (28 years) is more likely than not an N.  I always knew something was seriously wrong, even before I heard of NPD (which was when I started to trawl the net for answers, after I was D&D'd) but I clung on to the last, excusing inexcusable behaviour because, despite all the evidence, I thought he could change. I've now lost everything but I'm starting again from scratch, with new hope and understanding. My name comes from my favourite song: "We are angels, we have forgotten our wings, trailing clouds of glory we are remembering". I am remembering the confident, free-spirited person I was before I met my N, and learning how to fly again, much older, and bruised, but a little wiser.

The worst part for me, even worse than losing my home, job, and most of my possessions, is realising that although I have been in a relationship for such a long time, I actually never was in a relationship as the man I loved didn't actually exist.

I am not only sad but also angry about all the years I have wasted. How does anyone ever get over this and trust again?

[ANewSheriff]

I am remembering the confident, free-spirited person I was before I met my N, and learning how to fly again, much older, and bruised, but a little wiser.

We wake up as if from surgery, don't we?  A bit groggy and disoriented, sore, careful, and cautious in our movements - but with the knowledge and certainty that we are already beginning to heal.

I am glad you are here. 

ANewSheriff

[seasons]

Welcome Trailingclouds,

I am not only sad but also angry about all the years I have wasted. How does anyone ever get over this and trust again?

Posting here is a beginning. I believe as we learn to trust ourselves more than we are able to find trust in others, others that are worthy of that tender bond.

I am reminded of something Dr.Phil says often, "Better 28 years than 28 years and ONE MORE DAY"  OF_____ fill in the blank. Isn't that so true?

(((seasons)))

[Sela]

Welcome TC (May I call you TC?):

I have developed an attitude about trust.....about my trust.

My trust is one of my most prized and valuable assets and I refuse to have it stolen away!!
It's my personal way of fighting off emotional crime!!

I may loan my trust out and it might get damaged but be danged!!!........ I'll always come back and get it, if not out of longing, then out of spite!!

Why should my trust suffer for it's misuse by others?

That's like punishing myself for being abused.

My trust is appreciated and a little more guarded than it used to be, but it's back where it belongs.

With me because I refuse to give it up.

Ditto for my hope.

  Sela

[mum]

Welcome, Trailing Clouds.... may you find the kind of love and light I found on this board...and still find.
You are on your way....welcome, fellow traveler!!

[mum]

Hi, Stormy, thanks for mentioning me...in that I have gone through.....it's nice to think that might be true....(despite my latest post).

[Hopalong]

Welcome TC,
I think the stories here, all the wise voices, will help you believe that trust is possible.

The first person to develop trust in is yourself.
The first task that makes that possible is to learn how to set boundaries.
You could practice with it, over and over in various settings. Saying No. Saying: I will do this but not that. Taking an assertiveness training course can help.

All these ways of making your own self stronger allow you to start trusting your own ability to protect yourself. When that's stronger, then the issue of who outside of yourself you can trust is secondary. When you're your own protector and guide, you'll make safer choices.

Welcome,
Hopalong

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hello and welcome....

H&H xx

[Brigid]

trailingclouds,
Welcome--I love your name.

Thanks Stormy for that vote of confidence.  I hope I deserve it (sometimes I worry that I don't).  Trusting is still an issue, but I gain more strength in that area every day (with just the occasional setback these days).

TC - the following poem by Wendy Cope was posted when I first came to this site over a year ago and it has been a mantra for me ever since and helped me understand my pain.

Defining the Problem

I can't forgive you.

Even if I could, you wouldn't pardon me for seeing through you.

And yet, I cannot quite cure myself of love

For what I thought you were before I knew you.

It hurts a lot when you figure it all out and you realize that you gave so many years to a man who didn't deserve it.  But at 55, I still have a lot of life to live, God willing, and I'm having the time of my life right now. 

Good therapy was a blessing for me and good meds in the darkest days.  There is a reason you allowed yourself to stay with him for so many years.  Finding out that reason is key to not repeating that mistake again.  Keep searching until you figure it out.  Walk through and really feel the pain, learn the lessons, keep the faith and look for the light at the end of that long dark tunnel.  It's there to be found if you remain focused on finding it.

Many blessings,

Brigid