My wonderful mother.....

[Healing&Hopeful]

I thought you all might appreciate this one.....

Last weekend my Mum, Stepdad and Brother came over for the day.  As my hubby and I have a friend in the village who is an artist, he has done a pencil drawing of us from a wedding photo, and I got the photo out to show them how good it was.   To start with the comment was, oh dear, what a shame he didn't do the background....

Then Mum preceded to have a look at our wedding album, and pointed out every single photo my brother was in....

Ooooh, you're in this one

Ohh, you're pulling a bit of a face in this one

Oh this is a nice one, who took this

Not one comment about me and hubby who were actually the bride and groom!  Not saying we're more important than my brother because we're not, but hey it would be nice to have a mention, or a it was a lovely day.

There's nothing like sitting there and biting your tongue, is there!

Somehow I thought you may understand this....

Love H&H xx

[Portia]

Understood all right H&H. How do you feel about it? Tick as appropriate…

Angry/Hurt/Annoyed/Shocked/Sad/Resigned/Accepting…

Or a cycle of all of those feelings?

My wonderful mother.....? versus.....the woman who bore me but that's where the mothering ends?

[Sela]

Hiya H&H:

There's nothing like sitting there and biting your tongue, is there!

Somehow I thought you may understand this....

Ya.  I think so.  It's a bit like my "I lost my singing voice...." thread, I think.

Did you feel kind of invisible, sitting there, while she went on like that?
I think I might have felt that way in that situation.  She ignored you and your husband.

  So sorry (((((((((((((H&H))))))))))).   It's not at all what we want and expect from a loving mother.
I'm so sorry she's not "normal" and that she's not a loving mother.  It seems obvious but so painful to digest.  It's just not what children, even adult children, want from their mother (I bet.....usually).

So......it seems there is definately something wrong.......with HER.

Not you (((((((H&H)))))) (in case those kinds of thoughts are crossing your mind).  It's not you she doesn't love or behave motherly to.  It's not your brother she loves and behaves motherly to.  She's not behaving loving or motherly.  She's behaving like a weirdo.....like someone who is chatting with her buddy.......not her son and like someone who's ignoring a playmate, not her daughter.  Kind of the way a six year old behaves eh?

Anyway.......maybe the way to get past her behaviour is to consider that she is not "normal" and think that there is "something wrong with her".

It's not easy either, but eventually possible, I hope.  That way, when she does stuff like this in future.......
if you were to think:  "She's not normal.  There's something wrong with her.".......it might help to deflect the rest of the stuff that goes through your head and the feelings that develop after that?

Ofcourse.......that does nothing to ease your longing for a loving, caring, interested, validating mother but at least......it might help stop adding more pain ontop of that longing.

It's a bit like expecting a lion to act like a pussy cat.  It isn't going to happen.  And if we aren't real careful......we'll get eaten up!!  Devoured by emotional pain.  But if we recognize that lions will always act like lions and that we must be very careful to protect ourselves from them......things will go smoother and we'll be much safer.

Sela

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((H&H)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

God, I'm sorry. That has to be sooo painful.
But. I have one thought I hope might help a little:

I think this is (blindly) about gender. NMothers have favorites. And lots of
toxic mothers ice out their daughters while cozying up to their sons. And
I DON'T think it's conscious, I think it's something like a female animal
driving off another in competition for the attention of the male.

It's a weird thing in the psychic jungle...but I think that might be
part of the truth, anyway.

It certainly is NOT that you're not worthy of healthy, wholehearted
mother-love. You so totally are. And given her blindness, it's gonna be
you and your sweet family who give it to you.

Plus us! You so deserve to be appreciated, noticed, loved.

Hops

[movinon]

Angry -

I feel angry when I hear what your "mother" did.  It amazes me how inconsiderate they can be.


((((((((((((H&H)))))))))))))

Movinon

[moonlight52]

Healing&Hopeful ,
                              That simply is not human .Oh my goodness There are no words for this kind of
                               behavior ..............................I am so sorry  there just is no way to understand it period.
                               love and light to you
                               Moonlight

[gratitude28]

Hi H&H,
I know where you are coming from!!!! Every time I am with my mother, she loves to point out how much better my sister looks that me and how people could hardly believe there is only 5 years between us. She always has wacko suggestions that might help me lose weight. (Maybe you need to drink more water, maybe if you eat breakfast more often, maybe if you follow this hot dog and ice cream diet)... She actually posted a picture on her website taken of me when I was at my thinnest because she thought that would make me happy! If I have done anything... my sister has done something better. And she always pitted us against each other with lessons and such (with my sister being the one who was praised). Fun fun! I wish I had some advice for you. The person who posted and pointed out the gender hatred is correct, I believe. Nmothers generally see women as threats. I think my mother sees my sister as the kind of person she would have liked to be and thus idolizes her. She never missed a chance to tell everyone that she was a carbon copy of her as a baby.
Take care all.
Love, Beth

[Portia]

How are you doing H&H?

I can’t decide if you’re an angel and you really don’t get all that upset about your mother’s treatment of you…..(you healthily shrug it off)….or…

…..if one day you’re going to get very angry about her?

I can’t tell H&H and that concerns me. Maybe you don’t need to be angry, maybe you’ve done it already. I don’t know. You always sound so grounded and healthy and optimistic and pretty together to me. Which worries me! Because you don’t sound so happy underneath in this post; do I sense a sort of contempt masking a deeper anger? Not sure. If you’re not sure, take care, that’s all. I get worried about folks because here, we can’t see each other and I don’t know how someone might be affected by what’s written here. I think you’re okay, sound, but something perhaps ain’t right. I feel. Take care!

[Healing&Hopeful]

((((((((((((((Portia))))))))))))) ((((((((((((((Sela)))))))))))))) (((((((((((((Hoppy)))))))))))) ((((((((((((Movinon)))))))))))) (((((((((((((Moonlight))))))))))))))))) ((((((((((((((((((Gratitude))))))))))))))))

Bless you all…. Thanks for responding and not saying I’m silly….

Portia… how do I feel about it?  Possibly all of these but I’m very lucky in that I’ve got a fab hubby who listens to me.  I asked him if he gets annoyed with them, and he said that although he does, there is no point it winding us both up.  It’s great that he’s so grounded.  I appreciate your concern Portia… You made me smile actually…. I read that I sound so grounded and healthy and that was worrying.  I believe there are plenty more people in the world who deserve to be worried about over me.  I’ve had major blow outs with Mum in my early 20’s about how my brother got to go to college and was supported and how I “had to go out to work and bring the money in”.  And there have been several times where I’ve slammed the phone down on her around this time too, but it doesn’t get me anywhere so I do shrug it off more or less and think what’s the point.

Sela…. I read your post about losing your singing voice and had every intention of responding, so I apologise that I haven’t done yet.  There is something so daunting about finding out about our friends/parents etc.  I think rather than feeling invisible for me, I just kept thinking “how rude”, mainly because I wouldn’t even dream of doing the same, and biting my tongue because I could have told her how rude I thought she was being, but I bit my tongue and said nothing…. Actually I’ve just realised…. Voicelessness.  How bizarre when something just pops into your head!  I did feel your bit about a six year old was spot on…. About having one friend and outing the other.  For me I sometimes forget that it’s about them being a child and expect more.

Hoppy…. This is another thing that didn’t enter my head…. Gender.  There has been numerous times where Mum has said that normally it’s the daughters who stay close… however I do reply to her that my 3 SIL’s don’t live close to their Mum whereas the 6 boys do.  What you’re saying does make sense….

Movinon…. I don’t feel angry (well, not often anyway, I have my moments), I do feel sorry though.  We all do things that we don’t realise how they impact on other people and no one is perfect.  I’m lucky in that Mum is not full blown NPD, unlike bio dad, however she does have quite narcisstic traits, as in above.

Moonlight…. Yes it is hard to understand… I don’t understand it and like above I just find this behaviour very rude.

Gratitude…. With my Mum she just doesn’t realise what she does and I don’t think she realises how she comes across.  From what you say sounds exactly like my SIL and her sister… everything her Mum says to her about her sister is how hard she has it.  Poor C is working so hard (she worked part time and my SIL worked full time) etc etc.  Unfortunately I don’t have any answers, but it is good to be able to share this kind of thing.

Take care all

H&H xx

[Portia]

I think to think “how rude” is just so darn healthy. Yes you are

Thanks H&H for the update.