Subtelty

[gratitude28]

OK... so Ihaven't heard much from my parents lately... and I wrote and said Hi, haven't heard much from you. All is fine here, yada yada... the kids are doing this and that and so on. A chatty letter. I talked to them on the phone last week. My mother used to write two or three times a week, but for the [past few months has hardly been writing at all. I am not sure if she senses that I feel differently twoard her (my imagination???) or if it is because I am going to visit, or if she just can't be bothered and has other stuff to do. Of course, she is intimately connected to all that goes on with my sister. At any rate, this is the response (partial that I got to my, "Wht's up?" letter...


You're right--I haven't written much lately.  Sorry.  I will do better.  I get anxious when we don't hear from you, too, so we should both try to do better, huh?

She gets axious?????? In three years she has called me three times. I do all the calling. I have called almost every weekend since we moved here to let them talk to the kids, tell them what's new and all.
See, and now I feel ridiculous. Because it doesn't seem like a big deal. Why do I have to overanalyze everything?????????????????????????????????????///

[gratitude28]

Bean,
Do you mean have I accepted (and embraced) that role??? I think I do the analyzing, unfortunately, more now that I know what my mother's motives are. I am hoping this is something I can purge myself of.
Thanks for the insight.
I don't know why, but this opening to her letter just hit me like a slap this morning. That is why I wanted to run it by you all.
Beth

[Hopalong]

Hey Gratitude,
Maybe your name is a clue to strategy. It sometimes works for me. Sometimes when I get an-apology-that's-not-really-an-apology-because-it's-buried-in-a-guilt-trip, when I have my wits about me, I respond as though it WAS a clean and clear apology:

Dear Mom,
Thanks for apologizing. I appreciate that, and I'm glad you'll be getting in touch.

Hops

[gratitude28]

Nice idea!!!!!!
I did write back a nice letter as if I thought I had received a plain friendly letter. But that is really a good idea.
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

Ugh, I see I spelt subtlety worng. In the old days, ya know, that would have sent me into a tizzy. I'd have been trying to remove the topic from the board Just goes to show you haw sick I can be!!!!
Take care and have a great weekend all.

[Portia]

Beth, Hops said all this more succinctly above …. but I like doing the word by word analysis…I actually sort of enjoy it…which is somewhat concerning to me….? Interesting. So just to expand:

I am not sure if she senses that I feel differently twoard her (my imagination???)

From my experience – yep, your imagination. Mine too. Our projections because we feeeeel GUILTY! Haha. Catches me out every time. You?

or if she just can't be bothered and has other stuff to do.

Most likely scenario from my in-depth non-scientific research . What mine does is because of her schedule, I doubt she considers me until she picks up the phone etc. And then it’s from her point of view – she wants from me, she doesn’t even think about *me* (as a separate person living a life of my own) enough to not be bothered….she simply “has other stuff to do”, period. I’ve tested it (by asking questions, probing.)

You're right--I haven't written much lately.  Sorry.  I will do better. 

Big shame dump and ‘telling off’ perceived as coming from you – ‘will do better’, how old is she? Is this a school report of a 6 year-old?

I get anxious when we don't hear from you, too, so we should both try to do better, huh?[

Your perceived shame dump (which is not your intention but hey, this is her world) gets turned into counter-attack. i.e. ‘it’s not just me, it’s your fault too! You’re to blame, too!’

Yup about 6 years old.

[ANewSheriff]

Gratitude: 

Why do I have to overanalyze everything?

Hi there, Gratitude.  Maybe your analyzing is part of your healing.  You instinctively know that something is not right so you make attempts to ferret out truths and untruths.  I think you are looking for enlightenment.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  Without analyzing how do we even begin to recognize a problem?   

Hopalong:

Sometimes when I get an-apology-that's-not-really-an-apology-because-it's-buried-in-a-guilt-trip

Oh, my gosh, is this ever the whole truth and nothin' but the truth.  I love how you put this - 'buried in a guilt trip'.  Perfect!   

Portia:

From my experience – yep, your imagination. Mine too. Our projections because we feeeeel GUILTY!

Amen to this, Portia!  I had a conversation with a family member today and said virutally this very thing.