The Bitchin' Mother

[Its_a_changin]

I recently moved far away from my N family.  I felt like I can move on from the abuse, but the negative thoughts linger and carry on with me.  It's been sad and hard to turn them around into positive thoughts.  My bf have tried many times to assure me that I will be living emotionally healthier without them.  Very true.  Since finding this board online, I have decided last week to keep a more safer distance from the family especially picking up calls from them.  Each week that my mother would call me, she would sound nice, sweet, and caring of my physical well-being.  She never ask how I am really feeling emotionally.  She even demand that she talk to me daily, demand that I go back to college now, demand that I should listen to her every advice and wisdom, kept telling me I'm young that I'm still a kid that needs her.  Blah, blah.  And if I say that I am not listening to anything she says and that everything is a lie to me for the last two decades, she goes ballistic and without calm, start to call me names, saying I'm no good and that I know nothing if I don't live without her.  I couldn't even put a single word into the conversation and she just kept talking and talking in a conscending and shrill tone of voice.  She sounded angry and said she was not.  But whatever, I know she is bitter and jealous that I am living in a nicer, quieter, and safe place.  When I told her that I choose to be happy and not doing anything else, she reply saying it's a waste of time and anything I volunteer back then or now is a waste of time, said my hobbies were a waste of time and that going back to college is not a waste of time, moving back home is not a waste of time.  I always hang up on her when she gets into this evil voice mode like a dictator.  Everything we talk about, she would tell the rest of the family about it in a twisted way, twisting everything I say.  I even have a bad day after talking to her.  I do know that we can never have an adult conversation in reasonable terms.  I will always be talking to a 6 year old.  She thinks she knows me very well except she does not know me emotionally well.  Never asking me how my day was, never asking me what I did today, the latest movie I seen, etc.  Always asking me what I am doing at home everyday and keeps claiming I can't save money, bringing on the past blah blah.  I sure ain't bending nowhere to her will.  I just say what I feel and if she can't accept it and be angry, than so be it, bitch.  I have a right to hang up.  I have a right to express myself.  She even has said that my expressing emotion makes me the b****.  She can't even hear me as a human being.  Never has feelings for me or herself.  I know much more now to not pick up the phone.  Or set it down somewhere and pretend to listen.

[movinon]

changin-

Wow - this must be really hard for you.  You have taken the first step in becoming independent from her.  I do not have an N parent, but BOUNDARIES has helped me tremendously in my life.

One thing I would recommend is the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.  It helps with EVERYONE.

Another thing I would suggest is choosing NOT to pick up the phone.  I saw you write that if she gets angry, so what.  It's not about getting back at her, it's about having the kind of boundaries w/ people so that they don't make you completely crazy.  Why does she get to say how many times she talks to you?  Let her know that you will talk to her once a week. PERIOD.  Be aware that when you start to make boundaries w/ boundriless people, they don't like it and will try all kinds of tactics to bring things back into THEIR control.  She may get family members to call and try to give you a guilt trip.  She will DEFINATELY start playing the victim/martyr.  She will become "ill."  She will try to get family members on her side and gang up against you and they will (unless they have had some therapy or are out of the "game).

Keep your time when you talk to her at a minimum (say 10 mins.) or BEFORE she gets into evil mode.  This is okay.  It's taking care of yourself.  She is allowed to have her own opinion (no matter how screwed up), and want what she wants.  THe sooner you stop asking yourself how she could think that way, the sooner you'll get more peace.  SHE WILL ALWAYS BE UNREASONABLE.  Her demands are unreasonable (but she won't understand that and you don't need to convince her of that).  This is YOUR life.

I even have a bad day after talking to her.  I do know that we can never have an adult conversation in reasonable terms.

It sounds as if, by hanging up on her, you ARE engaging in her game.  You have a right to not let her get you to that point of being so upset.  You have a right to be happy and content.  YOu have a right to your own opinions about YOUR life!  You have SERVED your time in her household and do not need to be caught up in her game any longer.

Many people have heard me say this on the board so bear w/ me for saying it again...

We teach people how to treat us.

Good luck!

Movinon

[MarisaML]

You DID do the right thing by moving away from that.  No one deserves for their life to be run by someone else.  Isn't CALLERID a wonderful thing when dealing with N's?  Just let the phone ring... you won't break any laws if you don't answer.  My MIL is a master at twisting my words to make me into the bad guy.  I have learned to stop caring.  If they believe her than that's their problem.  You will worry yourself ragged trying to keep up with the manipulations of an N.  The family members you are close to... tell them that your mother has a personality disorder and she twists what you say.  The rest ..well forget it.  Some people will support an N no matter what!

[Its_a_changin]

MarisaML & movinon, thank you so much for the kind words and advice.  I definitely will look into that Boundaries book.  I had many users in my life, though I could not find the voice to speak up to them b/c if I do, they go into evil mode and start to put me down, call me names, talk about me behind my back, etc.  Caller ID rules yes!! I tried many times to tell the other family members about the mother's disorder and they have listened but I don't think they believe me b/c they support her every word at all cost.  However, my N brothers have turned their back on her before and spoken up about her manipulative tactics -- course she went erratic and angry.  One thing I noticed about them is that they would be content for a few seconds than become bitter and angry all over again.  It drove me crazy knowing they have somewhat stunted my emotional growth and never respond to me with understanding.  No more of that!! 
I used to not lock the bedroom door b/c the parents said it's not necessary but I started to when they became so invasive of my privacy, while I'm working on something important, etc.  Each time they come it, they try to demand my time away for them to do something right now this instant.  I have to drop everything for them -- and once that is taken care of, I can hardly focus on anything else b/c they said in a way that made me have a bad day.  I have had them gang up on me before zillions of times.  Like if I don't pick up the phone, my N mother would ask my N Dad to call or have an N brother call or email me.  I try to be vague as possible and not say much b/c it's my life.  My Dad is weird -- he'll mock me and laugh at any serious thing I say -- completely weird & childish. "Oh hehe, you got a new job finally, that's good, hehe." Makes my anger boil. Then I'll be like, "Are you done yet?  I got things to do. Bye!"  Cut it short & sweet.
I find everyone's words empowering and I shall keep reading it several times so I remember that we have a right to a life and happiness.