Hi Portia,
I don't display borderline personality disorder myself but on top of being a narcissist my mother is also borderline. This is fairly common amongst N's, interestingly. But my guess is that if you feel that is what contributed to your BPD traits that you are correct in assessing that. Good for you for having the strength to acknowledge it. I have inherited many of my Nmom's N traits instead.
Maybe I'm in denial, but I think that both you and I may not have full-blown personality disorder if we are here and healing and acknowledging... rather we may have tendencies toward certain behaviors that are characteristic of those disorders - because we learned to do that for survival. Most people with a full blown disorder are not capable of empathy or seeing themselves as having negative personality traits such as these.
It is good to see you working so hard here. You are doing great.
Don't be afraid of therapy - a couple of things about that:
1. Shop for a therapist. Don't feel you have to connect to the first person you meet with. Part of the success of it is how comfortable you feel and if you are able to develop trust with that therapist. Trust is built over time, but you will know in the first two or three sessions if the person is right for you. If you don't feel comfortable after that, be honest with them.. tell them that you would like to meet with someone else in their office - or ask the receptionist to make an appointment with someone different next time. I have had three - two women, one man... and honestly, I did NOT feel like I could really get into healing with the man. I felt like I was somewhat guarded, so I changed to a female and it made all the difference in the world. But the bottom line is: The therapist can point you in directions you otherwise might not see. I believe it is a crucial component of completing the healing process. Books are good - but don't offer the personal interaction that can pinpoint specific areas that are exclusive to YOUR life.
2. Many hospital-affiliated counseling centers offer a sliding scale if you don't have insurance to cover the cost. The sliding scale adjusts the fee to your income level. My feeling on this is though... mental health has no price. If you heal your mind, everything else will be good... and you will less likely to contract physical ailments that would cost you money later anyway. if the mind is healthy, the body follows. To me, it is worth it to sacrifice paying for a $3 cup of coffee at starbucks or buying some generic products at the grocery store to feel better about myself.
3. Don't expect miracles overnight. It may take time and many sessions before you have an "ah-ha" experience. A lot of the work is done outside of the therapists office - they give you ideas and feedback - but the "ah-ha's" often come about at home, or in the midst of an experience AFTER the session.
Hope this helps. But I am a huge proponent of therapy , because it has worked wonders for me. A large part of that, though, was my willingness to work the therapy, and believing in it.
Good Luck.
