Author Topic: Conflicting messages -  (Read 3052 times)

anony123

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Conflicting messages -
« on: May 31, 2006, 12:23:32 AM »
Hi all, This is not a good day. I am torn between two powerful feelings about my G/f (the Princess)
I do not know what step to take next -if any.

I am really steamed about a few things that she did during our 'relationship' which could be called 'lightweight cheating'.Even though she explained them away(or tried to), I still feel betrayed and mistrustful.
One incident happened two months after she and I started dating and having a regular sexual relationship --(this is the one that burns me the most) THis involved her traveling to a friend's(lady)house,60 miles away to attend a dinner party. Her friend invited her as "company" for a single man who was visiting. Apparently she and the 'man' went for a midnight walk and exchanged phone #s and they 'saw' each other a couple times after that for - whatever. She claims that they did not sleep together. However,they kept in contact outside my knowledge. This all came out recently after she and I quarelled. To me this is cheating . What do you guys call it ? It certainly is a breach of trust and because of the secrecy involved it had the potential to damage our relationship.   ??
Is this stuff tolerable in relationships?
My G/F says that this happened when she was still,"scanning the landscape" implying that she was not yet ready to be exclusive and committed to me at that time. Is her explanation reasonable ?
Funnily enough SHE got crazy jealous a few months ago and walked away when she saw me openly dancing with another lady. Are the jealous ones the potential cheaters?

I feel like writing out my feelings of betrayal and hurt and telling her that this is not OK with me and I could never really feel that I could fully trust her ever again, AND to get out of my life !!!

On the other hand I have done some really hurtful things to her (froze her out for three weeks )and even though I have tried to make amends she is still steamed and standoffish. I have a strong feeling that I would like to make this work with counseling maybe BUT the smart part of me says that I just better move on.

Do I act on my feelings now(the strongest one is to dump her,but by tonight I will want her real bad)
Do I stay cool and do nothing until calm wisdom strikes me.
Do i  go talk to a counselor pronto .

Confused -Jack
« Last Edit: May 31, 2006, 12:26:01 AM by anony123 »

Hopalong

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Re: Conflicting messages -
« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2006, 02:13:07 AM »
The last one, Jack.
What've you got to lose?

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

anony123

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Re: Conflicting messages -
« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2006, 04:15:34 AM »
I cannot see a counselor for another three weeks - in the meantime I am getting worse,not better.
The more I look, the more I find -ouch!

Jack.

Hopalong

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Re: Conflicting messages -
« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2006, 10:52:44 AM »
Hi Jack...
Find a very very beautiful place in nature. Sit there and breathe, look at the leaves, the plants surging up again with new life, reborn and reborn and reborn and reborn. See how change is part of every single thing you see around you. Even the rocks have spinning molecular things going on in them. Life IS change, and you will survive this one.

Take a lot of walks. Or run or swim until your body is so tired that sleep --alone-- feels like being wrapped in an angel's arms.

Get a glass of water about six times a day. Not a plastic bottle. Hold it up to the light in the window. Look at it, think about water...where it comes from, where it goes. Look at that glass until you see, water is life. Then drink it at half the pace you usually do. (Skip alcohol.)

Clean your apartment until it shines.

Go buy a copy of Charlotte's Web and read it slowly.

You will make it, Jack. Your feelings are not weakness, they are like the pain from life-saving surgery.

Emphasis on life-saving.

Hops
(please chalk up my "orders" to caring)
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

reallyME

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Re: Conflicting messages -
« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2006, 04:52:51 PM »
Jack,

When I feel that "all is lost" sort of feeling, what I do is remind myself that whatever I'm going through, it's only a drop in a bucket of water, compared to the entire bucket.  Things we go through, tend to seem so large while we're in them, but if you can step outside of the situation, viewing it from the overall perspective, and realize it's only a small portion of an entire picture of your life, sometimes that might help.  It helps me.

I also tell myself to take one MOMENT at a time.  I tell myself "ok, you need to get through the next 5 min without _________, then after that, I do the next 20 min....it's like competing with yourself just for fun, but also in order to heal.  I'm a pretty resourceful person when my sanity is on the line.

Hope this might help a bit

A book called "The Language of Letting Go" is great for learning how to DETATCH from toxic people.


~Laura (ReallyME)

anony123

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Re: Conflicting messages -
« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2006, 06:42:13 PM »
I am still somewhat stuck in that part of ' breaking up' when we look for "signs and meanings" from the other person's actions and statements.
Recently I sent her a rather poetic piece via email in which I compared my memories and feelings of our love of slow dancing,with its' extention, making love.
It was quite powerful I thought.
She relied "I can not compete with that ."
Mmm, I do not know what to make of that.I would have expected a reply like "That was really beautiful" OR "Thank you" .....
  She is not and has never been, emotionally expressive or even emotionally present (in fact quite absent and distant compared to most women)
I may have been having a love affair with "the unavalable" (we want what we can't have) or I may have been caught up in "the random reward syndrome" (the slot machine stuff)
I am more confused now.
Jack.
« Last Edit: May 31, 2006, 10:34:14 PM by anony123 »

anony123

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Re: Conflicting messages -
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2006, 10:57:36 PM »
Thanks Bean, that makes sense -real sense.
I want to say a few things and get them out there.I have struggled with a lot of bewilderment with this woman over the past 6 months. For the life of me, I stll cannot fully grasp how we are in turmoil and uproar most of the time.
She is (superficially ) sweet, passive and ciompliant and has a high need to be loved ,in fact it is compulsive .She has an extemely high need for endless re-assurance ,affection and attention from men. She accuses me of wanting more,more, more from her ?? zTo me,that really meant some regular Saturday night dates and one or two meetings thru the weekif possible..

However there are several powerful factors at work which I think undermined my relationship with her.

1.She tried to have a highly sexually charged relationship with me 'in the shadow' of her other life.
I was not really included or integrated into her social life with her other friends .I met her children only a couple of times in 6 months. She did not invite me to several of her family events. I met her mother just once.

2. She sent me mixed, obscure and conradictory messages endlessly .I was expected to guess or read between the lines. For example - in one afternoon,she said "Would you marry me?" An hour later she said ," I never considered you as a life partner."
Another example - on our second or third date she admitted that she bought two condoms (taken from her son's room)but when SHE started to become 'physical' she pulled away saying loudly," I do not want to do this." (But we went ahead and did it anyways)

3.SHe has a chaotic history -alcoholic.wealthy father who had affairs and beat up on Mom, alcoholic husband who was wealthy and had affairs and left her after three kids and ten years of on/off marriage,for a 17 year old bimbo .
She still shares a house with her ex B/F(wealthy rancher -15 years older .They bought the place six years ago but broke up three years ago and he still lives in back. He wants her back but she says NO way).

SHe tells the story of her marriage as "always in turmoil -I was always tossing my husband out and when he was sorry enough and showed that her loved me enough I let him come back and we had great make-up sex."

She tells of the Rancher -"Before we lived together he dated me for six monthe before I even let him in my house. Then whenever we had a quarrel I would send him home and he would say sorry and I would then let him back in my life... and so on,and so on.

Maybe I am the male lead in the latest remake of her movie.
Even after 6 months I still have a churning upset feeling in my gut whenever I call her,or when i am going on a date with her. One day (in an insightful moment) I said to her with a wink, " I worship the quicksand that you walk on."  She nodded in agreement.

Am I crazy ?
What are the chances ?
Jack .
« Last Edit: May 31, 2006, 11:17:08 PM by anony123 »

anony123

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Re: Conflicting messages -
« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2006, 01:58:58 AM »
My decision -
I have decided to do the following things ,

1, To stop thinking about 'fixing' her or trying to transform her into the 'love of my life'.She has had 6 months to get aboard that ship.

2. To tell her that I am OK with her decision to be "just friends".

3,To begin going on casual dates with other women and to let my G/f know that I intend to do this.( I want to tell her so that I do not get any angry late night tipsy phone abuse from her about 'cheating' on her). I also think that dating others will give me back my sense of being more 'in control' of my own life.
(I am concerned that this may change my G/s mind and she then wants to resume our relationship? Who knows?)

Jack,

Hopalong

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Re: Conflicting messages -
« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2006, 07:07:58 AM »
Quote
I still have a churning upset feeling in my gut whenever I call her,or when i am going on a date with her

This would not be....love.
Hope some new women in your life present a contrast.
Less drama, more friendship.

Luck,

Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Portia

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Re: Conflicting messages -
« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2006, 07:55:15 AM »
Don’t want to hijack (resisting a pun strongly here……ooo…resist resist..) this thread, just want to say,

Bean
She said (this is paraphrased), real, intimate, caring, and loving relationships do not leave you feeling confused and wondering all the time.  People capable of loving you will make that clear to you, you won't have to keep asking yourself!

I said that?? :o Yes I think I remember something like that but heck, do I need to remember that myself. Thanks Bean for the reminder. Repeat mantra, if it feels wrong, it is wrong….


Hi Jack!

Maybe instead of thinking of casual dating, could you imagine making friends with other women? Talking to them, enjoying their company, listening to them, finding out what it’s like to be relaxed and enjoy company, laughs, humour, fun?

Instead of thinking of romantic relationships, think ‘friends’?

Friends are great! :D

reallyME

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Re: Conflicting messages -
« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2006, 08:54:38 AM »
Quote
Portia said: Maybe instead of thinking of casual dating, could you imagine making friends with other women? Talking to them, enjoying their company, listening to them, finding out what it’s like to be relaxed and enjoy company, laughs, humour, fun?

Instead of thinking of romantic relationships, think ‘friends’?


My foster mom used to tell me, when I as an unwed mom, if you meet a guy and you court him, treat him as though he was a brother.  Until you marry him, he does not belong to you anyway.  That helped me keep things in perspective, not getting involved in intimacy before the right time.  Just a thought.

~Laura