need advice asap!!!!

[movinon]

Friends,

I just got an e-mail from the butthead and I need some adult supervision here...

Movinon,

I have recently been asked to provide reams of documentation to my lawyer based on requests from your lawyer. Before I hand that over to my lawyer I wanted to make you aware of a few things.

I basically have no money left. I ploughed through my share of the house sale on various items....a car (repairs to my *** since Nov05 have been $***), another vehicle (that I overpaid for), computer system, travel last year, dental work, a new bike (cos my old one got stolen), $**** in an unplanned tax bill, $2500 on the Pyscological evaluation and of course lawyers bills. So far I have spent about $15,000 on the 2 lawyers I have had. I am sure you have spent a good few thousand too. I presently have about $***** dollars on credit cards.


When I give this stuff to my lawyer he is going to have to charge me more. I would assume your lawyer will have to charge you more too to review it. Is that what you want?

 
When we met earlier this year in one of the collaborative sessions you made a request that the proceeds from your car accident remain yours and that what you have is yours and that what I have is mine. If we continue at this rate I will get some of your car accident money and you can have half of my credit card debt. Any gains will surely go to lawyer fees.

The only item left of note is my 401K and your retirement. I did get a pay raise (4.25%) at the beginning of April which would increase your child support by about $50. There is nothing else left.
 
Is there something in particular you want?

Do I try to negotiate?  He's been working for a major oil company for the last 13 years and should have a good amt. in retirement.  He's right, in the collaborative I offered for us to each keep what we had hoping he would see that I was being flexible and back off.  I judge that he saw this as weakness and went for my jugular. 

What I want is for him to stay away from our D, to get some serious help, and to pay me for all of my belongings that he tossed out.  The rest of the stuff is just strategy.  I realize the first 2 wants are not very realistic with this type of person. 

I'm just needing some help here!

Movinon

[Sugarbear]

He's trying to rattle you.

I wouldn't even respond to this email; like Stormchild said, hand it off to your lawyer, and let her decide how much merit his claims have.

I would still bet the farm that he's hiding assets and thinks you don't know the full extent of what he has.

[Brigid]

Movinon,
I don't know that I have a black belt, but surely some experience with divorcing an nh who was hiding assets and income.  By the time we got to mediation, I had at least enough documentation to stand 2 feet high (I am not exaggerating).  I did receive e-mails similar to the one you received over the course of the 18 months it took the divorce to occur, but as Stormy suggested, I passed them off to my attorney to handle. 

I will admit to using some rather unethical methods in order to find out information (my attorney did not know how I got the info), but it did confirm that he and his father were collaborating to hide income, so I knew there was a reason to keep fighting.  My attorney hired a forensic accountant to do all the investigating at my xh's firm, review tax records, etc.  This may be something you would wish to explore.  It obviously adds to the costs, so you have to decide if it's worth it. 

I know I have heard you mention that your stbxh is afraid of being exposed.  This was true of mine as well and I really used that to my advantage when we ended up in mediation.  I will say that I carefully poured over all the documentation prior to the mediation session and was able to point out inconsistencies to my attorney and the forensic accountant that they missed.  My attorney was threatening to depose him regarding all his finances as a result and he clearly did not want to have to testify under oath and finally caved into my financial demands.

Fortunately, I didn't have to worry about the kids with him, so that was never an issue.  I'm not sure how you can handle that except with the psych eval.  Mum would know more about that than I.

Hope that helps a little.

Brigid 

[mudpuppy]

Here's what I'd do;

Believe the opposite of everything he says, hand it off to my lawyer and then watch my lawyer like a flippin' hawk.

mud

PS. I forgot to say, no you don't negotiate. Negotiating with an N is like closely examining the bait in a bear trap.

[Hopalong]

Yes yes yes. Do Not Respond.

(I'd say "Block Sender" except he might slip into an Nfit and let something helpful slip.)

I would not be fooled for ONE SECOND by his "reasonable" and "forthcoming" tone in this email.

It may or may not be true, but you can't afford to risk it. Emotinally if not financially.

No no no.

You hold that line and don't let an email slip between your ribs, woman!

Hops

[movinon]

I have passed this on to my L AND you guys have helped me to realize something...


THANK YOU!!!  THANK YOU!!!  THANK YOU!!!  THANK YOU!!!  THANK YOU!!!  THANK YOU!!!     


I AM REACTING.  When things go "wrong" or when he throws out a bomb or some other cr@p, I feel like I have to react IMMEDIATELY... In our marriage, if I did not react, there was hell to pay.  I realized yesterday that I was still conditioned (like Pavlov's dog) to RE-act instead of to ACT.

I will make a promise to you all.  I will stop, breathe, and ask myself if this needs to be dealt with "asap" or if I am reacting based on an old pattern (which I've done twice this week).

I'm feeling a bit silly now that I thought I needed to jump when he sent out his bomb.  Thank you all again for your quick replies and support.

The way I'm leaning today is that if he wants to "settle", he needs to put his cards on the table.  You all are right...to believe what he says is not rational. 

Amazing, I should feel sorry for him b/c he "had" to replace his $1,800 mountainbike and had to spend money on a 3 week vacation in New Zealand and S. Africa...poor man.


Mud - you crack me up!!

Sugarbear - hiding assests? - Yes, I think so too.

Stormchild - I'll take that dinner this weekend

Brigid - Your N sounds like a real winner as well.  How DARE we want what is ours?...then the gfs can't have it!

Hops - I thought about "block sender", but then I thought I need to be careful about that since he would say that I was not openly co-parenting with him.

Today I'm going to revel in the feeling of being "on top".


Movinon
 

[Portia]

MO

wasn't here yesterday and so glad you got the great replies from everyone above and especially glad that today you are revelling He is squirming, you got him on the run gal

Just read his email again…is he: trying to get your sympathy, retain his pride and keep his money, all in the one email? Hey I do wonder if you have him on the run: maybe now he’ll start to make mistakes on the legal side too? ….(small hope there)

[mum]

I've been so busy...can't believe I missed this.  YUP, all advice is right on. My ex does  this all the time.....you need to have a new pattern.
Instead of reacting to him (he wants that, hopes for that....)
you do this:
hit forward , send to lawyer, hit print, keep for documentation.

That's it. If he REALLY wants a reply....and bugs you for it....simply reply with "recieved email". (but I don't even bother much with that).

Move on , Movinon...Take your ball and go home. You don't play with him anymore.