Pennyplant,
As far as how I overcame some of these 12 self-defeating behaviors and am still working toward overcoming the rest, the Bible is my basis. I live by a very literal view and interpretation of most of the Bible and I apply the principles of it to my life. I also follow a full-gospel type of standard in my life, so it shapes how I view certain things that happen and my choice of reaction to those things. Following, I explain further
Thank you for being interested.
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I need love and approval from those significant to me, and I must avoid disapproval from any source.
I think after being rejected so much by human beings, and then ultimately, Jodi, I began observing others more. When I saw that other people had as many or more flaws as I did, I no longer looked to them as a source to find approval. I realized that only the very one who created me, has exclusive rights to point out major flaws in me, unless there was a specific case where other humans who were my authorities, needed to bring correction to me. At any rate, even when corrected by an authority, according to my pastor's teaching, "correction is not rejection." I learned that correction and even some disapproval, when in alignment with the Word of God, was actually a good, healthy thing, that brought about positive change in me.
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To feel happy and be worthwhile I must achieve, succeed at whatever I do, and make no mistakes.
I learned that happiness is a choice and it comes from inside me. I learned to allow myself to fail, realizing that failure was not equal to becoming invisible or being dead and destroyed. When you wake up every morning, excited to find out what each day holds, little mistakes are quickly dealt with and move on from. It's all in the attitude, really.
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People should always do the right thing. When they behave obnoxiously, unfairly or selfishly, they must be blamed and punished.
Again, I came to realize that human beings tend to be very flaky and fickle and dysfunctional at times. When they behaved in these ways, I began to tell myself that it was just part of the fallen human nature of mankind. I guess I learned the sort of "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" approach in life. When it comes to abusers, however, I generally feel that they need therapy, as well as the ones abused by them, and, if they opt not to get the help they need, I want nothing to do with them. At that point, I usually view them as pretty much sociopathic, dangerous, toxic, and people to pray for but avoid.
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Things must be the way I want them to be, otherwise life will be intolerable.
To me, it's ridiculous to assume things will always be my way. If everyone got what they wanted in life, this world would be a terrible place. If I got everything I wanted, that would put me in the place of God and cause others to fear me. I have seen children who learned that everything they wanted or needed would be given to them. They are brats, selfish, entitled. As adults, I"ve had some of these such people as my mentors/leaders, and they truly are ruthless individuals who demand nothing less that their way. It's frightening to be in the presence of these "Hitler" types of people. I don't want to ever become like that.
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My unhappiness is caused by things which are outside my control, so there is little I can do to feel any better.
I live by "you shall have whatsoever you say." Now, before this sounds like a contradiction from my last reply, let me please clarify. I believe that the things that I "say" need to line up with the Word of God, with good principles that God agrees with in my life. Things outside of me will not control me unless I choose to get all flipped out over them and in a panic. First of all, that's not my temperament...I'm 60% choleric, which means I focus on tasks not so much emotions. Secondly, I know I have a choice how to respond to things, no matter what those things are. Lastly, I have a brain that tells me, if I don't get that bill paid and the water gets turned off, though that's a terrible inconvenience, I've lived through other ones and will make it through till I can pay it. It's all in perception of things and just how "big" I blow them up to be.
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I must worry about things that could be dangerous, unpleasant or frightening, otherwise they might happen.
Since I choose not to listen to nor see these things, they aren't constantly in my mind. I came to realize that most of what I fear, chances are, it will never come upon me. I also realized that, in life, sometimes when we fear things constantly, we do things that cause us to be careless and short-sighted, and we actually bring harm to ourselves in those moments. It then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, where we say "seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I TOLD you that would happen to me!" and actually it's our own fault that it happened in the first place, because we were not thinking level-headedly.
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I can be happier by avoiding life’s difficulties, unpleasantness and responsibilities.
I have found that facing life's difficulties, etc, I've become a more resourceful person. For instance, I've had many times of my car stalling on the road. I've learned to just turn the hazard lights on and pray that God sends a kind person to help me. I don't have AAA so other than waiting on God, there isn't much I can do. God has always sent someone to me to get me out of that mess. I realize that "when life gives you lemons make lemonade" is a very true thing for me. I mean, if you are in the midst of an impossible-looking thing, you can curl up and die over it, go into a panic, or take some deep breaths and ask yourself "now how am I going to handle this situation? What does my first step look like?" (learned this one in sales training too)
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Everyone needs to depend on someone stronger than themselves.
I learned that if people are already dealing with their issues and are in a place of safe authority, it is ok for me to trust them and depend on them for some things. I am one who loves learning things, so if someone is on a higher level in some areas of learning, I enjoy gleaning information from them. At this point in my life, I am depending on several people who are stronger than I am, but I also know that they will not always know better than I do about everything, we will not always agree on everything, and they are not infallible like God is. Ultimately He even guides them.
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Events in my past are the cause of my problems, and they continue to influence my feelings and behaviours now.
I am a firm believer that people's pasts influence their thoughts and behaviors in the present. I know that some of my own insecurities and anger issues, are based on abuse that I went through long ago. I know that some of the ways I think, were from living with a step-father who was OCD and schizo. I know that some of my choices to stand and not be moved, are based on always being made to "kow tow" and keep the family secrets.
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I should become upset when other people have problems and feel unhappy when they’re sad.
Through my Codependency training, I learned to let other people own their own problems, feelings, experiences and reactions. I'm not an extention nor an attachment to another person. When they feel a certain way, I do not need to also take on that feeling as my own experience. I can empathize and feel what they feel, but I don't need to have that emotion become a part of me that lingers.
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I shouldn’t have to feel discomfort and pain. I can’t stand them and must avoid them at all costs.
I like avoiding pain, so I take Ibuprofen. Physical pain I do try and ward off or avoid, but emotional pain is part of what enables me to stay connected with life. If I don't cry when I hear bad news, that makes me appear to be robotic, non-caring, non-empathic and just plain in-human, in my view. How can I help someone through their pain if I have no clue what they are truly going through? Pain is an indicator that something is not right as well. If I burn my finger, I will feel pain telling me, go take care of yourself, get help, work on finding healing for your finger. God knew what He was doing to create pain receptors in my body and mind. Feeling emotional pain also helped me understand that Jodi was not this nice safe person I painted her to be. Mocking hurt me, so I knew that something with Jodi was not right when she was making fun of me cruelly.
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Every problem should have an ideal solution, and it is intolerable when one can’t be found.
I'm a realist rather than an idealist. Although it's uncomfortable when solutions are hard to find, it's not the end of the world. I've learned to try and find solutions, but, when I just can't, I will wait and see what comes my way from God and other people. It all comes from "trust in the Lord with all your heart and LEAN NOT UNTO YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING..."
So, those are my answers to your question
I think I have learned certain things and others are just part of my temperament of being an overcomer and not staying down when life knocks me down.
ReallyME
Laura
