Asking For Help

[gratitude28]

bean pointed out that I was adding on to an older thread that our friend, Serge, had pulled up for us.
This is what I had written:

I overdo the loyalty thing too... and also with employers. And I have this thing where I will never ask anyone for any help, but I am always in line to be the first one to help anyone else. I feel shamed if I ever need anything. I will find any way to do something by myself, even if it hurts me. In the past, I have truly made it to the 'bitter end' of friendships and work situations, almost always completely to my detriment, before throwing int he towel. I don't know what makes me do this. And why can't I be gracious about help from others?

Yes, I am working on this. First, I am in recovery and that involves quite a humbling experience of asking for help. I try, once in a while to allow others to do a small thing for me (watch the kids for an hour, lend me a CD, really not too many other things...) but I end up feeling so bad about it that I feel like I have to give them back something MORE. I know this is not right. I like helping people, so why wouldn't they like to help me out once in a while??????

[ANewSheriff]

gratitude28,

I just so love your search for truth.  You have an amazing spirit.  I will tell you that this has always been an issue for me, as well.  I grew up in an alcoholic home and much of it was learned.  Small children assume very adult roles in these environments.  I have always had a role reversal with my mother and this deepened this pattern.

I have had my share of disappointments with people who said they would show up (emotionally or physically) and did not do so.  I learned that there are very few people I can rely on - truly rely on.  Yet, I have conitnually sacrificed my personal and family time and energy to help others who cared so little as to not even offer a thank you. 

I have made the connection this past year that although there is a large and vibrant part of my heart and soul that desires to help, there is also a piece that is very unhealthy.  There was/is most certainly a piece that was screaming out, "Look!  I love you THIS much.  Could you find it in your heart to love me back - even just a little?" 

There was/is a feeling of, "If I can't provide you some kind of service, you surely would not be interested in me otherwise."

This was a very painful awareness for me.  It was humbling.  But, I do feel like I have my finger on it, now.  It is still there, wiggling and trying to gain its freedom once again, but I do feel like I can guide its direction now.

ANewSheriff