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AnnaH28:
Well after lurking on this board for over a year (I pop in and out month to month) I have finally decided to post something. I feel a bit funny about posting, actually. If you were to meet me, you would never assume that I am the person I really am. I come across as very
self-confident and assured. In a way that isn’t fake, I am a grad student and am finally discovering that I have some actual skills and things that I am good at. But it has never been easy for me to talk about the things that hurt me. I will try to be brief.

I am not sure my mother can be classified as an ‘N’. She displays many of the classic behaviours, but one important one she doesn’t display is neediness. She has never been needy for me, in any way, and she does not demand time or attention from me. Most of the time, she seems indifferent in that regard. We have never gotten along. And that is a serious understatement. She very rarely speaks of my infancy (I am the first of 3 girls) – all she has ever said is that I was a very difficult baby who “screamed all the time” and was “impossible to console.” There has been friction since as early as I can remember. It got much worse when I was a teenager. I am 28 now and the hope that this would somehow resolve itself when I finally “grew up” (she was always acting as if the day I turned 21 things would be fine because I wouldn’t be such an immature selfish brat anymore) is basically gone.


I don’t know how to explain this without going on for 10 pages. I feel sort of like I am choking even typing this right now, alone in my apartment. I feel poisoned by her. I feel poisoned and utterly, utterly betrayed. I feel like she took the mother handbook and did everything the opposite of what it said. When I was down, she was always there to kick me, and never to help me up. She thinks I am a terrible person. She tells me constantly that I am a liar, lazy, selfish and ignorant all the time. Sometimes I feel as if she hates me. I think she does hate me. I don’t know why, though.

Every year or so she will try to have a serious conversation with me and ask me what is wrong with me. I always fall for it and try to explain how I feel – I always start out trying to be fair and rational but these conversations always end with her saying (and these are direct quotes) something like the following: “Yes, poor you, you’re such a victim.” “You need to get over things that are in the past and move on.” “You’re such an angry person, you can’t deal with life.” “Take some responsibility for yourself.” Etc. etc.
The thing is, my mother tends to come across to people who don’t know her as very reasonable.
The event that triggered this posting is – again I will try to be brief – I live on a small island with no car, and when I visit home I usually need a car ride back to my house, as I have groceries and things with me. 95% of the time, it is my father who drives me, although this doesn’t stop her from getting angry – she gets angry because my father drives me. He doesn’t get angry. She does. It happened this past week that she was driving me. I was under the impression that there had been a change in ferry schedules and that she would be able to return on the same ferry she arrived on. This was apparently not the case and she had to wait 1 hr. for the next ferry. I got an e-mail later that night – I think I will just post the e-mail here:


“so ----, i missed the ferry. when I zoomed around the last corner I was just in time to see it disappear aroung the bend. Where did you get the idea that there was a longer turnaround time? Where did you hear about it or did you just want to go back at that time and figured I was more likely to do it if I could come back right away? Do you just make stuff up thats turns out to be convenient?? I was PO'd
 Also where is my last whipped cream container. There were two there. Now theres one and even thats been opened? Also Im looking for an envelope that was on the top of the microwave that had a phone number on it....ARGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Now, I will be honest – I really did think there had been a schedule change and that she would have time. I was not lying so I could get a ride home at a particular time. Also, she bizarrely brings up the whipped cream container (my mother has always been extremely possessive – even over things like cans of whipping cream) and pretty much accuses me of stealing it. I did not steal any whipping cream. I did not even see any whipping cream in the fridge when I was at home, nor did I touch the envelope she is also apparently accusing me of doing something with.
I wrote back and told her I thought the ferry times had changed. I rec’d this reply:


“----, ive checked the times on the online schedule. The crossing takes twenty minutes and they all have a 15minute turn around. You gave me to believe that you had been informed of a change "since the beginning of the year"or since a specific time and that you had been told of this. Why is this a big deal? well because its annoying. what if I had gone over there with ----- prior to his 3;45 flight. he would have been screwed. why do you tell these things when they are not true? and then why do you "shut down your email" when you are called up on it? Is that a good way to deal with things? It just makes people more annoyed. When Im mad, in this instance Im mad because you misled me about changes in the ferry shedule that caused me to sit on the island for an hour. If we'd had ----- he could have missed his plane. You seem to interpret any annoyance coming from other people as "she hates me" therefore lets just close down. I dont hate you, its just frustrating. Mum”

In a way I am afraid to post this because she has this ability to accuse and yet at the same time sound perfectly reasonable. We had just dropped my uncle at the airport and FYI, there was no chance of bringing me home before dropping him off, nor did I ask this to be done, for the precise reason that there might be a time screw up and he would miss his plane. Again – I was not lying about the ferry timing. I thought the turnaround time was longer. It turns out there had been a scheduling change but not the one I thought. I think my point is that I pointed out to her, repeatedly and in non-angry tones, that I had not lied about the ferry times. But she doesn’t even hear/acknowledge that. She just continues to accuse me of lying, and be angry at me for lying. I made an honest mistake about ferry scheduling, which I admitted! I understand her being annoyed at having to wait for an hour, and I did apologize for that. But all of these accusations...!    :(

This is a very minor incident, but sort of indicative of the relationship. She ascribes underhanded motives to me all the time. If I ever have a conflict with a friend or a family member she always assumes it is my fault and says “What did you do?” Since I was very small, I have always been the “liar” of the family. I was always being told that when I stopped lying then they would listen to me/believe me. As a small child this was confusing because I wasn’t lying, but when you are 6 and your parents are calling you a liar…you believe it even if intellectually you know it isn’t true.

I have 2 younger sisters. Until I was 17 and left to live in England for 2 years (I left the day I finished highschool), the middle sister was the heavy favourite and could do no wrong. She was an extremely physically beautiful and outgoing, charming child. I was the weird, quiet, overly sensitive kid. Whatever the reasons, when we were growing up, I could do no right, she could do no wrong, and my youngest sister was neutral. As soon as I left for England my two sisters came into conflict and suddenly the middle one was dropped from favour and the youngest one became the favourite. Please believe me when I say “favourite” – I am not just saying it out of self pity or whining. My mother would literally smack me and ground me if I had hit or yelled at my sister when we were young. If she hit me or yelled at me – I was still the one who got smacked and grounded. It was either my fault for provoking or my fault for reacting. Now my middle sister is very troubled and has been diagnosed bipolar. Our whole family is in denial about it. We are British so to admit it would be shameful (not all Brits are this way, but my family are). I see a lot of the worst traits of my mother and father in her. My sisters don’t speak to each other. My mother has twice told me it is my fault they don’t speak – because of the “power” I have over them. Power?! I think power is the very last thing I have in my family, actually. They don’t speak because of an incident that occurred when I was in London, and also because my parents so heavily favour the one over the other.

My mother also told me when I was about 22 that I was responsible for “wrecking” our family. That I was so horrible as a teenager that all of the subsequent trauma and problems various members have had with each other are my fault. She told me to my face that I had wrecked our family. Once when I was having an argument with her she just stared at me and when I asked what was wrong she just said, in this very flat, reasonable-sounding voice: “You disgust me.” And you know – the argument was between my sister and her – I was just piping up to agree with something my sister had said – but the ‘you disgust me’ was aimed at me. And she wasn’t joking, believe me – I could see it in her eyes.

This post is too long and rambling. There is so much waiting to burst out it sort of comes out randomly. I wish I was more eloquent when talking about this. It hurts. It hurts so much to feel unloved, to feel not good enough – not even good enough for the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I am constantly telling myself it is her, not me, but it is hard to listen to myself sometimes when the feelings of worthlessness are so strong. I feel hamstrung.

I read a lot of other posts, with descriptions of drug abuse and alcoholism, mental illness etc. I have nothing dramatic like that. I do think my mother has probably been clinically depressed for as long as I’ve known her. If anyone has had similar experiences, I would appreciate an e-mail. I need to know I am not the crazy one, I need to hear it from someone other than my own (not too convincing) self that it isn’t my fault.

I am sorry for the length and incoherence of this post. It is very difficult to talk about this, and I am very scared as well, because once you say something, it’s open to rejection, I suppose.

Portia:
Hey Anna H, you were lurking for over a year? I lurked for one day before I jumped in here and I don’t regret it! Mind you, I’ve been mulling my stuff for a couple of years and specific (mind-changing) events led me here. Well done for your post. It must be some relief to get that off your chest? When you say you have nothing dramatic to say like some other members, come on, that doesn’t matter. Each person’s hurt is a big as they feel it to be. And you haven’t told your whole story yet – I can see that between the lines and in the lines. Are you as confused as I was a couple of years ago? Wondering IF I have a problem worth talking about, wondering if I shouldn’t just ‘put up and shut up’? Hey my brain synapses are opening up more every day, I promise. Thinking can do you a power of good.
Please don’t apologise any more, for the length or coherence (which is fine) of your posts or anything else. Do you apologise a lot, generally?
Gosh a year of lurking….that’s a long time…are you finding a Voice at last?
I’m deliberately not saying anything about the content of your post because I want to go back and read it over again. So, more another time, but wanted to say: you’ve done exactly the right thing. Before I go, got to say, your mother has said some pretty despicable things to you. And I have a feeling you want to say a lot more. I felt a variety of emotions about posting here – guilt (being disloyal to the Family), wimpishness (can’t I sort out my own petty problems?) embarrassment (heck, yes) and not sure I belong with these highly self-aware, therapy-educated clever people! And guess what….if you have a story to tell and want advice…you’re allowed to here. Isn’t it great?  :D P
PS You are most definitely not the crazy one, no way, not with a post full of emotion like you've written. You're okay Anna.

Portia:
Anna H, are you newly registered Anna28 in Canada? A tip, to log in once (I’ve had trouble recently), click  ‘Log in to check your private messages’ and you’ll get straight in, otherwise it seems to take two attempts.

I wonder why you screamed as a baby? I did too, probably because I could hear and feel my parents mentally killing each other. Is there anyone who knows about your early years who you can ask about them? What about your father? Have you ever asked him “what was I like as a baby?”. Do you ever ‘talk’ with your Dad?

It’s difficult to see our parents as people. But do you know what their early days were like? When they met, married? Did/do you know your grandparents? And I’ve got to ask in particular about your mother’s parents – what do you know that could shed any light on her earlier life? Does she talk about them?

I don’t like your mother having a serious conversation with you, like an annual appraisal at work! It’s like you’re a ‘problem’ she thinks she can solve (you’re not). One thing I’ve found at work is that often managers will accuse their staff of inadequacies that the manager themselves is accused of (transference at work!) :roll: . Your mother says to you:


--- Quote ---“Yes, poor you, you’re such a victim.” “You need to get over things that are in the past and move on.” “You’re such an angry person, you can’t deal with life.” “Take some responsibility for yourself.” Etc. etc.
--- End quote ---

I wonder if these things were said to her? Try and step outside of yourself, be the observer. At this stage, and to me you sound confused, try and be dispassionate about what she says and does. You’ll have plenty of time for passion later.

The ferry: so she sat and waited an hour. How long does it take to get from the ferry to your home? Would it be possible for her to return to you and go back to catch it later? The ferry incident (and her emails) seems to have pushed you onto this board; it isn’t that important in itself. Don’t worry about it too much. You’ve got bigger problems with your mother.

Your mother doesn’t sound all that emotionally mature and your family background in general sounds, well, not too healthy. How old were you when your first sister was born? And what was it like in London? I feel I want to know your life story but you probably don’t want to (and shouldn’t) put hard facts on this board. I’m interested in your family being British and moving to Canada. Did that have a big effect on your mother and father, their relationship? Questions you don’t have to answer!

That’s enough for now. I’d like to know more about you and I hope we’ve got lots of time to swap stories and insights. If you are in Canada now, you were posting pretty early today! Did you sleep okay or do you always get up early? I wish I could be a morning person… :wink: P
PS. I apparently once did something ‘on purpose’ to

CC:
Dear Anna,

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time today to respond to all of your post although I would really like to.  But I really needed to say this regarding your quote:


--- Quote ---In a way I am afraid to post this because she has this ability to accuse and yet at the same time sound perfectly reasonable.
--- End quote ---


Let me assure you Anna, THERE IS NOTHING REASONABLE about the way your mother dealt with that ferry thing.  As an outsider, I can tell you honestly without bias that the accusations she made did not sound perfectly reasonable.

As I said I would like to address each and every one of your sentances with reassurance, but for now please hear my brief input as an indication that you did the right thing by posting here and asking for validation.   Your instincts are correct, there is something wrong with the way your mother treats you.

Welcome to the board and we hope you will continue to share your stories with us so we can help provide you with support and healing.  

I want to mention that I think you are very smart to start working on this at such a young age.  Many of us don't figure out that something was wrong until well into our 30s or 40s when we have made some mistakes in our lives.  I may be jumping the gun on how much work you are prepared to do, but I am excited for you because by doing this now you will avoid making some wrong turns earlier in life that can be costly because of messages you are listening to from your past.

Good Luck to you.

Anonymous:
Anna,

Your mother sounds quite disturbed. Her narcissism is severe. You could use some professional help to get a reality check about yourself and your own value. She cannot give you the proper value a mother should give her daughter, because she's too impaired psychologically. She has projected all her own self-hatred into you. This is a massive distortion. You can't do anything about her problems (they are too serious); just get help for yourself. She needs medical care but I don't think she'll get it. There are also problems with your father. He didn't protect you. Please get help. I hope being British won't stop you. You deserve professional help with this.

bunny

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