Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I am new, please read my post. :)
Anonymous:
I am sorry for the length and incoherence of this post. It is very difficult to talk about this, and I am very scared as well, because once you say something, it’s open to rejection, I suppose.
I have always had this underlying feeling that bringing things out in the open is bad and makes me or others vulnerable. Not intellectually- I know it's not true, just very deep feelings, I'm barely conscious of it.
I realise now that it was an extension of the message I was given as a child: that things are what we say not what we seem. Ignore your reality and accept mine.
I still lower my voice when i discuss certain topics at home even now- like I'm expecting the sky to come crashing down because I dared speak out!
And I feel more comfortable being totally anonymous for example here. Maybe because that's what I was in my family for so long, and whenever I stepped outside they rained criticism on me.
Simon46:
I have much to say but no time now to say it, just that we all understand and not many other people will. Your mother will deny and demean everything you have to say and confronting her or expecting her to act reasonably will not happen. You are not the crazy one here! I hope that you are at the beginning of a long educational process and can also get professional help, like a therapist or maybe some resources through your school.
It takes a lot of courage to face this because it goes so deep and we have all been taught to devalue our own thoughts and second guess ourselves. They tell us we are off the mark and wrong and confused and we believe them. It is a long way around to realize that this is not true. Check out an old post on this forum called "Things that helped" or similar. It lists many books that some of us have used to get started. Again, I applaud your courage and hope you find this to be a safe place.
seeker:
Hi Anna and welcome!
I read your post with a groan. I very much relate to your situation. It seems like these little incidents aren't a "big deal", but they really are, because they set the tone for the emotional undercurrents of family life. These little incidents are the genesis of the audiotapes in your head that weren't recorded by you but implanted by your mother. It's like Chinese water torture, ongoing small attacks on your integrity to erode your sense of self-worth and empowerment. Then when the damage is noticeable we wonder, how did this happen?
"Reasonable" logical, intelligent people can often be emotionally blind. A lot of stock is placed in being intelligent or pretty or righteous or (fill in the blank), anything but being loving, forgiving, mutually supportive, respectful, understanding, etc.
I forget where I read about "covert" narcissism, but it fit my family to a tee. Everything seems normal on the surface, but any time a child needed reassurance or nurturing, my parents were emotionally unavailable. They would let us know that if we needed them in this way, we must be defective. The unspoken messages are "Don't bother me." "Don't need, it's inconvenient!" "Don't have opinions" "your needs aren't important" "don't compete with me" "you do not have the right to exist, to want, to need. If you insist on these rights, you are a PROBLEM."
This was all communicated through looks, sighs, attitudes, tone of voice. Another great book to add to your reading list is You Can't Say That To Me by Patricia Evans. She does a great job of putting verbal abuse under a microscope and dissects the abuse of language and its effects how a message is received. You are not imagining it.
Well, I'm glad you posted and joined the rest of us "problem children". Good luck with your healing and hope these replies help. S.
Discounted Girl:
Anna, see what a flood of response you got? I am sitting here with steam coming off the top of my head -- your mother is REAL LUCKY she is not here also :oops: It's strange, but I feel like I made your post and don't remember it. Your mother is cruel and nasty beyond belief -- so much like mine, but your's has a little more refinement it sounds like, probably due to education. Anna, my NQueenmother has hated me all my life -- who knows why. I suspect it is some twisted resentment over her being pregnant with me when they married and perhaps my Dad told her at some point that he would not have married her except for that. I don't know -- THAT BELONGS TO THEM, NOT ME !! I was a little helpless baby that she didn't want, but kept anyhow. Mothers are not supposed to hate their babies. It's her that is wrong, weird, wicked and evil, NOT YOU !! I never got into drugs, got really good grades and was popular in school. So many times I have wished I had given that old bag reason for grief. I have no daughters, no sisters, no female cousins, nada. My sons are around your age and I will think about you this evening while I am going about my business. . You deserve(d) a whole lot better and I think you will find some answers via this website and the phenomenally insightful people who post here. Glad you have joined us :D
Pat:
Dear Anna,
I think you have come to exactly the right place. Your mom sounds so angry and contemptuos like so many parents described on this board. Your post made me remember when I'd visit my folks after moving away to go to school. I'd either take the Greyhound bus (Canadian) or get a ride with friends. As long as my visit didn't involve either of my parents having to disrupt their routines, my visits seemed to be appreciated. If I ever need a ride to the bus depot, the sighs and comments about not having "time for this" would start. I'd end up feeling ashamed of the inconvenience and very hurt by their resenting any needs I might have. Well, many years have passed, therapy and the love of good friends. My mother is still living, eighty-eight, and as contemptous as ever. When you said,
--- Quote ---when I asked what was wrong she just said, in this very flat, reasonable-sounding voice: “You disgust me.”
--- End quote ---
it was like I was transported back in time to my own family home. Our 'conversations' would start out as a discussion and end in some diatribe identifying my shortcomings and also those of my friends. My mom hated that I had friends and would go to any lenght to discredit and point out all their defects. Once she had dispensed her poison, she'd relax and then want us to act as if we'd just had a positive mother/daughter exchange.
Learning to understand Narcissistic behaviour has helped me immeasurably. Dr. Grossman's articles and the books referred to on this site have all contributed to my recovering parts of myself that I didn't even know were missing! A great book with practical strategies is Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina W. Brown, subtitled A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents.
I hope you continue to post and visit here. All the best,
Pat
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