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I am new, please read my post. :)

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Anonymous:

--- Quote from: AnnaH28 ---It hurts. It hurts so much to feel unloved, to feel not good enough – not even good enough for the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I am constantly telling myself it is her, not me, but it is hard to listen to myself sometimes when the feelings of worthlessness are so strong. I feel hamstrung.
--- End quote ---


Oh, Anna, of course it hurts.  Of course we long to be loved unconditionally by those who gave us life, and if that doesn't happen, we don't feel at home in the world.  I have been struggling for as long as I can remember with a feeling of not belonging in the world, of having no "place."  It's more than social anxiety; it's a deep sense of wrongness.  And after much thought (and quite a bit of therapy, too), I believe that feeling comes from never being secure in my primary relationship.  Like it or not, our self-images are formed by the mirroring we get from our mothers (or other primary caregivers).  If that mirroring is critical, if the mother projects onto the child her sense of inadequacy, then the child absorbs and internalizes that negative mirroring as a sense of not-being-enough--not for the child's self, but for his or her mother.  

Jung said, "The greatest burden a parent can put on a child is the parent's unlived life."  By that, I think he meant that if the parent project all his or her unresolved complexes onto the child, the child will have to become dysfunctional in order to survive.  What the child learns is simply maladaptive behavior, and then the child tries to carry that behavior into adult life, and it doesn't work.

I know in my own life I have had a hard time coming to terms with all this.  I often say to myself, "Well, it couldn't have been that bad.  My parents provided for all my material needs.  They valued education and taught me to respect culture.  They stayed together and possibly loved each other.  They did not physically abuse me."  But in many ways, it was that bad.  There is a hole in my core, where my sense of self should be.  With patience and work, I can honor that hole and fill it with my own experience.  But it is bitter work, and I shouldn't have to do it.  No one should.

I hope that while you are still young, you will begin this work consciously.  Leaving the work undone will hurt you and your relationships--particularly when you see so clearly the need to do it.

I can tell you unequivocally that it is not your fault.  You did what you had to do to survive.  But if, knowing what you know, you do not undertake the work in front of you, then your continued struggle is at least in part your doing.  I wasted many years denying the need to address these issues.  Please believe me, Anna--I would give anything to have those years back.

Please, Anna, start down the road to making peace with yourself.  It is possible, and it is worth it.  You are worth it.

Wishing you strength,
Joyce

jacqui:
hi anna!so many  similarities  not just the lurking around either! it is the most soul destroying hurt when you realize that the people who gave you life dont love you . but when the penny drops and you realize that they are the ones that are wrong and that you dont actually want their weird conditional love and that you are aworthy person with a voice you know that you are a survivor . iknow how difficult it is to make a first post and when your story is so long you just dont know where to start. ireally have to pat myself on the back cause im virtually computer illiterate and am typing this with one finger!. only with the very patient guidance of my fifteen year old son was i able to do it. i think i have finally found a place where i feel i belong and hope your healing takes leaps and bounds.

AnnaH28:
I wanted to respond specifically to some of your comments here…:

Portia – Love your name – you mean “like the car”? (Fish Called Wanda reference - yes, I know it’s not the car!) :) I liked what you said about trying to get outside the situation and be objective. I often do try to do that. When I posted, I was emotional – writing that post made me emotional – but I often do find myself trying to rationalize and logic my way out of this – WHY is she like this? etc. The thing is, I know very little about her
upbringing, simply because she rarely talks about it. I know she did not get along with her father and he died when I was about 4 so I never got to know him – she obviously found him to be a disciplinarian and a taskmaster. Interestingly, I think there was a conscious choice to avoid that with us, her children. We were never instructed in ‘manners’ or proper speaking or having polished shoes or any of the things she has spoken of her father doing to her. Her mother is still alive, she lives in Hampshire in England, and when they do talk (once or twice a year, maybe letters even less frequently) it seems warm, although I admit I have always found it semi-weird that she speaks so infrequently to her own mother. She does not really maintain contact with her younger brother, because he married a woman she (my mother) did not like, and she talks to her sister and gets along with her. Because I was born in Canada I do not know my extended British family well at all, so I haven’t been able to glean any really helpful insights from just spending time around them.

CC: It was 2 or 3 years ago when I really got to thinking that something f***ed up had gone on during my upbringing with my mother. Now I have to translate the thinking into doing – into action. In fact I think that’s why I posted here.

Bunny – Yes, I would like to try counseling. I would not be able to tell my parents – they made fun of me when I briefly took Prozac when I was 20. My father was shocked and blurted “Your strong enough for that!” Ahem. They are, shall we say politely, ‘old-fashioned’ when it comes to mental health issues.


‘Guest’ (no name?) – “Ignore your reality and accept mine” How succinct. That is exactly the message my mother gets across. And you know, sometimes I think if I accepted her version of things, our relationship would superficially be very smooth. She loves to be around people who agree with her – in fact she actively avoids people who tend to challenge her.

Simon46 – That’s a good idea about school. I will check when I return to school in a few months – to see if I can get any counseling through the medical center there. Thanks.

Seeker – I totally identify with a lot of what you said. It’s true – these incidents, on their own, are minor. When they are the main interaction, repeated over and over between parent and child, though, it is just as you said. In a way it is so much harder to defend yourself against these constant stealth attacks. If she read what I had posted, she would scoff and make fun of me for being so affected by a little misunderstanding – that is how she would term it. But to me, being accused of lying is a big deal. She would just twist it so I was making a big deal out of nothing. She is an expert – a PhD! – in twisting words.
And yes – I have never felt as if my feelings or needs mattered. Because they didn’t. I was never allowed to have feeling or reactions. If I was angry, I was never allowed to be angry – just told I was being ridiculous and should get over it. It’s amazing how…painful and frustrating that is for a child, who has no other outlets. I went through a period of cutting myself as a teenager, and even today I remember it making me feel better, not worse. It was only ever superficial cutting, but I clearly remember the feeling of being so full of rage and helplessness that cutting myself, and letting ‘something’ (in this case,
blood) out, made me feel better. It was so good to read your words. It is so good to hear that I am not alone. I will be checking out the book you recommend.

Discounted Girl – Thank you. Thank you. I almost cried reading everyone’s responses. It is a bit of a surprise to say things I usually get jeered for and have…people HEAR it. My mother hates me too. And I know in my head that it really and truly isn’t my fault. But damn, it’s a terrible situation to be in nonetheless. I, too, was Miss Well Behaved as a child/teenager. I was the most clean-cut, anxious kid you ever met. When I was 17 they sent me to the GP to be grilled on what drugs I was taking, who I was having premarital sex with, why these things were making me such a screw up, and you know – I alsmot laughed when the Dr. didn’t believe me. I had, at the time, never touched a drop of alcohol, never even taken a drag on a cigarette let alone an illegal drug, and never done anything more than held hands with a boy. Literally. I acutely remember actually feeling like a loser in the Dr.’s office. Sitting there thinking, jeez, Doc, I actually wish I could answer yes to some of these questions, but I can’t. I had a sort of delayed adolescence when I got to London. I also did well in school, got good grades and was never a problem with teachers etc. It’s inexplicable. I am just too logical. I keep desperately searching for that golden, all-knowing REASON, you know?


Jacmac – I have been told on numerous occasions that I resemble my mother, and actually just a few months ago one of my best friends told me that I had the same “mannerisms” as her! It’s very possible she takes out her own bad feelings for herself on me. I know for a fact she feels like she ‘missed out’ on some grand life of thinking and letters by having kids and staying home to raise them. Which was her choice, I should point out. As for my sisters – it is amazing how young they are (24, 26) and how deep the rift already is. Of course as I mentioned my mother blames me for the rift, but even I am not so dumb that I think rifts that started when I was literally living on another continent are my fault. Everything the youngest sister does is charming and wonderful. Everything the middle one does is evidence of her deeply flawed character. And it’s MY fault they don’t get on? OK. Thank you for your good wishes.

Pat – hi! Are we the sole Canucks here? I am on one of the Gulf Islands, in BC, btw, but I lived in Edmonton until I was 10, so I guess we are natural enemies. (kidding!) :) I know what you mean about being made to feel like a pain in the a**. Every single thing my father does for me gets him evil looks from my mother. If he brings me a cup of tea from the kitchen, she makes a sarcastic remark about how he is my slave. If he dares to drive me home, she sulks for hours. I also do a lot for my father – both my father and I are people who just…don’t keep tally of favours. She does. It’s quite hurtful when you are made to feel so low, so unworthy, that even a simple favour becomes a monumental affront.

Joyce – Wow. Everything you said. Yes, completely. Especially the part about always having that voice saying “come on, it wasn’t a big deal, they fed you, they kept you in clothes and school etc., why are you so ungrateful?” in your head. It is bitter work. It isn’t the kind of work that leaves you feeling validated and wonderful. I am working towards what many people just have – that sense of stability and of self, that knowledge that no
what many people just have – that sense of stability and of self, that knowledge that no matter what happens, your family is your haven, you can always turn to them. I don’t want to be in a position where I have to do it. But I do. So I will try.

Jacqui – Please type us your story! It is funny what you say about keyboard typing – you should see my handwriting these days – I hardly ever handwrite anything anymore, but I am lightning-fast typer. I’ll send you some keyboard-mastering vibes, OK? And thanks for commenting.

I don’t know if this makes me a big freak, but posting here is a huge deal to me. I feel good today. It feels nice to be heard. I feel like some stunted, bent flower that’s suddenly had some rays of sunshine on it. Really. I don’t mean to be melodramatic but…this whole site is a lifesaver. I hope I can get to know all of you, and I hope I can offer some of the understanding and kindness you have offered me. Thank you everyone.

Portia as guest:
:D  Applause applause applause!  :D
What a fantastic reply from a warm and wonderful human being! Anna, give yourself a big hug for being such a REAL person.  P

jacmac, as guest:
Anna, I also want to join in with the applause.  Especially your addressing each poster by name, that shows how truly caring and attentive you are.  Most of us posting at this sight have felt ignored and unappreciated for most of our lives;  we have been "voiceless" and it was so compassionate, in responding, that you acknowledged what others have written by name - it sends out the message:  I have heard your voice.  I am sure the others appreciated this gesture as well.

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