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Disturbing Trend on this Board

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Anonymous:
Hi everybody,

well, golly, I want to chime in or else I will feel left out.  :D

Well, I'm glad of all the posts here.  Sounds like Avery started a thread that got everyone to take a step back and review how we're doing.   was a little afraid of finding a flame-a-thon.  Glad to see that didn't happen, although I hope we can all help a few folks return to their comfort zone.  

Like any form of communication, we can all miscommunication and misinterpret stuff.  We're human and we can just get it wrong sometimes.  And maybe it isn't "wrong" just different.  When I read people's responses to the same query or post, I find it so valuable and damn interesting how different we all are as we sort through our stuff.  And we're bound to push buttons or have buttons pushed as we post away.  

I think perhaps that's what happened in a couple of threads.  I realized as I read a couple of posts that my buttons were being pushed.  My response was to NOT post or participate in those conversations (Avery's strategy, also).  But we're all different and I'm proud of the folks who can challenge us with varying degrees of diplomacy and directness  :wink: . ( I am still learning to find my voice out here in the non-Internet world!)

Portia, let yourself off the hook.  If it was you Avery was referring to, or it wasn't, your guilt and self-recrimination has kicked into overdrive!!  Simply take this feeling as a sign reread your posts to see if ya think ya need to tone it down.  If you think you wrote what you meant and how you meant it, honest not hurtful, let it fly!

[Just as an aside on Portia's post on another thread, what may have happened is when a participant asks for advice and says thanks that was helpful and repeats the question, it can cause people to think they haven't been heard or they were ignored.  I don't think the poster realized this could seem like a dismissal and was called on it.  Feeling ignored and not heard is going to create some static on this specific board, imho.]

I agree with Avery's concerns and desire to keep a safe atmosphere.  I also agree with the others who have posted above that honesty is an important ingredient also, as long as we all can deliver honesty in a helpful and not destructive manner.  (And not to "get" someone in the name of honesty--N-alert!!, not you Portia).   Urging and encouraging people to take responsibility for their emotional decisions and choices is very ticklish and yet a big part of what goes on here.  We're all bound to mess the message up a bit because it can be hard to accept no matter where we hear it.

So thanks Avery, Portia, CC, Discounted Girl and so many others for airing this out.  Don't touch that button!  :wink: S.

seeker:
Ack, that was me, Seeker.

Nic:
Dear Portia,
I thought about you all day. Yes I did.  Yesterday after this thread was started I thought immediately you were the one being referred to.  I started to re read what you posted  to the lady who's lost her friend.  As I was reading I thought: 1- I like Portia, she reminds me of Rosencrantz...you see I have always appreciated her input on this board, and so I thought GREAT..a Rosencrantz like person..PORTIA. 2- again while reading I thought..there's been a rebirth here..Portia has found her voice since december, how nice for her.3- the forthrightness with the undertone of anger and frustration..I can understand that, been there myself and am there at various times..I could relate. 4- Portia has understood, i thought to myself, like I did, that Narcissism was perhaps the missing link in all the thinking she's been doing perhaps for years, like me..I could relate to that too.  5- Portia's ability to perceive things, her intellect is refreshing, I could feel by re-reading your posts that you're really participating in something here and in your life, she's enthusiastic i thought, about everything she's learning at home and here and all the sharing. 6- I thought, she probably has the same fears I had about posting, because i've always been opinionated, weed-wacker like with my tongue if provoked.. a little ahead of myself sometimes and half-way expecting to have my bubble burst at any given moment...that's what the child of an N feels like.  Brought up to have zero voice, walking on eggshells, doubting myself, sharing nervously..wanting to be loved without trying to appear sucky.  Then I began hurting for you Portia, because I know in my heart, having been where you are, how fragile my core is compared to the rugged exterior that's been fighting the onslaught of criticism for years.
I'm sorry you had to go through this..again, I definitely think the post was referring to you.  I only wish it had been clearer thereby healthier, because after all we are communicating in a healthy environment.  
I love your posts, don't be afraid to be honest.  If someone thought you were too harsh, why not say so..the world won't come to an end or slip off its axis because of a few ruffled feathers..it's ok to make mistakes..it's ok to say one was hurt..it's ok to have the bells and whistles go off when something makes us uncomfortable..why not just bring it to the group and appropriately state that something bothers us..we can discuss it, resolve it, agree to disagree..put it on the shelf and return to it later.  What's the panick?  It IS safe here!  It's a terrific environment.
Basically Portia, i'm sorry you had a horrible day..on top of everything else you have to deal with..I did think about you all day and I do want to say that you are very important to me and to this board.
It's not a terrible thing to get mad or upset..Avery, and don't feel bad either.  I'm not saying get angry with a smile..that's the old way.
Let's get up and start again, let us continue to edify one another..not by being mushy but by acknowledging that we are not perfect, will never be perfect.
My thoughts only, hoping to diffuse whilst acknowledging that i've never been comfortable with family fights...too many of them in memory I guess.
blessings to all,
Nic :(

Discounted Girl:
Portia -- do not fret my dear. I don't see where you could be an evil force looming amongst us.  :evil: Heck, I always scan the posts to see what you say first -- you are a hoot and I love your style. Avery, come on, step up here, tell her it ain't so. You said "There is an individual, who I will not name at this point." Well, Portia has point-counter-pointed herself into a tizzy, set the girl at ease. Cyber life is obviously important to us for a variety of reasons. But, after interacting with virtual people since 1997, I have learned to realize that things are not always as they seem. Members of this forum are highly intelligent with amazing abilities, clever and savvy beyond the norm -- but, alas, most of us are pretty damaged, and anything is possible. I could be your next door neighbor or a defensive tackle for the Panthers or I could be the G U E S T !!!  8)  I could be six of you posting different points of view. So Portia, please don't fret so -- what does it matter? I have stayed up late tonight, with Superbowl fever, and I am turning in now. It's about 8 am on your side of the pond, so you will be up soon. I hope I see another post from you tomorrow telling us you feel better.  :D

Jazz:
I just want to say that in my opinion the first two posts on this topic were drawing attention to something important. We don't need to talk about individual posters, I would just like to point out that there is a fundamental difference between hard-hitting but constructive feedback, and what comes across as a personal attack.
When someone comes to this board for the first time, you don't know what state of mind they are in;it could be a very fragile one, or maybe they have been looking for help for a long time, and feel that this could be a safe place for them too.
In the future I would have liked to have offered support to others, when and if I felt qualified to do so. I am sorry that I will not be able to reciprocate the support that I have received, because I do not feel comfortable here, and will not be returning.
Anyway, my main purpose in posting this morning was to say a big THANK YOU to the posters here who  gave me the information I was asking for, and also took the time to express their concern and support.
THANK YOU again.
Wishing everybody a peaceful future.
Best wishes, Jazz.

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