Control issues

[pennyplant]

"when you spank them, break them" --meaning break their spirit basically. 

I think that is how a lot of us were raised.  Now we know.  Parents should do exactly the opposite.

PP

[adrift]

I wonder just how many of us were raised that way.  I know I used that attitude somewhat on my oldest daughter and thought I had to control her for a long time.  There was this fear that if I didn't raise her just right, then she'd definitely go bad and I saw my parents in myself---which was sickening. 

Thanks to all of you on this board who are so helpful!

[moonlight52]

Adrift, Wow do I understand your experience .My grandfather was very rough  also my grand mother passed first after that he was not tough any more.My n dad control freak still is .He left 2 messages on my phone and the 2 one he was almost pleading that I call him back ,I have never heard him do that .He was just losing it.The fact is clear he is not controlling me and he's just kinda like a robot thats lost a spring .
Adrift the healing is within ourselves .I hold no ill feelings for the mess my father has made of his life thats his business. The problems
I have caused thank fully are not on the scale that he must endure.And I have done every thing I could do to correct my errors.I do pity him.
MOON

[Hops]

Moon,
This is really quite amazing, what your NDad is doing with the calls.
What an feeling you must be having, to recognize that you really have taken yourself back!

I am so impressed.

I too pity him but I am so glad you've made clear by your distance that you have strength he never knew about. He's responding with fear, which is the N pattern, and eventually if YOU continue to set and hold the boundaries that shield you, that fear will likely turn to respect. (Or, the facsimile of respect. Same happend with my NMom once I stood up to her.)

You're not his punching bag any more, you're out of the ring.

Wow.

Hops