Hello from Australia

[dollbaby24]

Hi everyone,
Thought I would introduce myself, I am 24/f/australia, and its just hit me, like a speeding train that I have an N mother...still trying to get my head around it all, but feeling as though I am a little less crazy than I once thought....She has been an incredibly destructive force in my life, and I have only just made the decision a week ago that she no longer has a <pyhsical>place in my life. I do have some very big concerns about my own two children...are the narcissistic behavious learned and passed on down through the generations? I am becoming more aware of some of the behavious I exhibit toward my own little boys, and can say that I have pulled myself up on a few occasions, wondering whether I learned these things from my own mother...I am also so grateful for having read the articles on giving your child a voice...this was something that I instincively knew, in regards to my own children, but allowed my mother to manipulate and control the situation around to what she thought was apropriate(she ain't exactly mother of the year!)

[pennyplant]

Welcome, dollbaby.
It's a learning process.
You're lucky to have figured out some things kind of early.
Lots of us here are in our 40s and beyond.

There's a lot of angles to narcissism and voicelessness.
I bet you'll find lots familiar stories and experiences as you read through the threads.

It's good to hear from you.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Hello Down Under Doll,

Welcome.
I think the discovery of what Nism is, and then linking it all up with one of your parents of life, is a big shock at first. Like a grief process. Being very kind to yourself as your awareness builds is important. You've probably already read a lot about boundaries, but if not, that's a very good subject now too.

I think it's wonderful that you have made this discovery at age 24. You have decades and decades ahead to heal from damage to yourself, and to steer a better course with and for your own children.

You've found a good place here, hope you find it helpful.

Hopalong

[Jona22]

Dollbaby

I remember the shock I felt when I discovered that my mother exhibited many if not all of the characteristics of NPD.  I was 60 years old at the time and she was 96.  I discovered it by accident when researching something else and at first I wondered if I was making it all up in my mind or something. 

While this is a very difficult thing to come to terms with, you are fortunate that you are discovering it while you are still young.


I have often wondered what my life would have been like if I had taken some advice I received when I was 21.  I was living with my mother at the time and I was attending university.  Life with my mother that summer was pure hell.  I remember I was on my way to class, walking towards the campus, feeling almost hysterical and had tears streaming down my face.  I had no one to talk to but I desperate to find someone.  I was walking past a church.  I stopped and looked at it and decided to go in.  I found the office and asked the woman at the desk if I could speak to the minister.  Luckily he was available and we went into his office.  I poured out my tale of woe with my mother and he just sat there and listened.  His advice to me was to focus on finishing my classes, ignore my mother's manipulations and controlling behavior, and get as far away from her as I could get and to stay away from her.

Nothing was said about God,  mental illness or personality disorders.  I don't think personality disorders were even thought of at the time.  But he did make it clear that my mother's behavior was not normal and was not good for me.  His advice did enable me to finish the term and I never lived with my mother again.  But what I didn't understand was that I needed to be completely away from her for the rest of my life.

You have a long life ahead of you and now you are gaining the knowledge that you need to make your life happy and productive.  The beginning will be the hardest part.  I think you have found a good site to help you through it and help you on your journey.

[penelope]

hi dollbaby,

welcome. 

feeling as though I am a little less crazy than I once thought....

There are certainly effects of being raised with an N mother, and feeling crazy is certainly one of them!  By the way, people who've been abused by Ns do suffer mentally - and that is a perfectly normal response to the abuse.

She has been an incredibly destructive force in my life, and I have only just made the decision a week ago that she no longer has a <pyhsical>place in my life.

That's great dollbaby.  If you need a support group specifically for people who've divorced an N parent, Samantha has created a yahoo group.  PM me and I'll give you the details of it.  It's been a huge help to me.

I do have some very big concerns about my own two children...are the narcissistic behaviors learned and passed on down through the generations?

"When we know better we do better."  As you learn more about this, you can adjust your own parenting to give your children Voice.

I'm glad you found your answer dollbaby, it's both wonderful and horrifying isn't it?

penelope