Hello group and uhmm....wow

[dabwonde]

I discovered this website this morning in what seems to be my never ending quest for understanding and guidance for my life. I read all the articles and have been reading your posts all day. Voiceless....that one word better defines and sums up what I have felt throughout my life then every self help book I have ever read. It gives me an insight about why I am the way I am. More so then several rounds of counseling to work through various times in my life when the emotional pain related to life experiences was surfacing. I have learned in my 47 years that there is much to be gained from taking on the skeletans..walking through the pain and coming out the other side stronger and hopefully wiser. At least for awhile. In my life, I just seem to perpetually generate new circumstances through different people that cause me to experience the same old pain. I have come to view the events and traumas I have experienced as tools that have driven me to become a better me then I was before the events. With help, I overcame the degree of post traumatic stress that had me paralyzed in fear, anxiety and agoraphobia. I recovered from a head injury I sustained at the hands of the man I loved deeply and wanted to help. He was an NP....stemming from cruelty he experienced as a child from his alcoholic father. The injury had me seeing triple for 3 months and it took me 4 months to learn to add in my head again. I am now in school, getting my degree in surgical nursing and have maintained a 4.0 GPA. I worked hard to get to where I could forgive him. There has been no contact for over two years now, there simply can't be, but I do pray he gets help someday that he may have some degree of peace. I have forgiven my mother too for the insanity I lived through with her. My mother was sexually abused by her alcoholic father from the age of 5 til she was 11. That is when he excused himself from the table at thanksgiving after the prayer and went in the next room and blew his brains out. He was 42. My mother had to see that. A couple years before her 42nd birthday the trauma surfaced. She had some self fulfilling prophecy that she too would die at the age of 42. She finally kicked my alcoholic father out after years and years of his infidelities. My father and two older brothers were all gone from home within the year. My senoir year of high school was spent doing my best to save my mom from herself and numerous suicide attempts. Overdoses, slit wrists....one time I walked in on her when she was going to slit her wrists and it was a battle for the knife...getting it away from her and not getting stabbed by her. She had 12 years of intensive therapy. She is bitter and probably an NP too. When I was telling her about my assault on the phone...needing her....she said "He assaulted you 6 times and YOU STAYED WITH HIM????" I said...imagine that..where did i learn that from? I couldnt talk to her for 2 years because it would have been total emotional suicide in my weak state. My family blamed me for what happened to me..so did I. I ceased to exsist...except in a living nightmare where I felt dead. I begged god to come and take me. I knew I could not do that to my two daughters, my best friends. All of this I thought I had dealt with as come back to haunt me now. I waited 2 years before I began dating. Didnt think I could be fooled again, but I was. I am floundering more then 3 months after the end of a year long relationship with a man who was an emotional vampire and dumped me unceremoniously.  My classmates at school are mobbing me...I am a pariah that they won't even acknowledge. I work hard, get good grades, and am 12 years older then the next oldest student. 4 of the 9 in my class are about to have to repeat this semester, they have been riding the coat tails of others, are lazy, fail tests, don't come to school and are disruptive when they do show up. The teacher allowed one of them to make up a test she was absent for, against the rules unless you have a doctors note. I was absent a day and missed a quiz. I asked the teacher if she is going to change rules and let her take her test I would like to make up my quiz. It was the principle for me.....treatment should be equal even if I am an A student. The other student confronted me and told me to never even say her name. When I left school that day the air had been let out of my tire, thankfully I didn't have to replace the tire but it did cost me 4 hours of my day. I didn't do anything about it..didn't report it or confront her. The intimidation worked...I am silenced. And exhausted.

[Hopalong]

Welcome Dabwonde,

You have suffered tremendously.
But what an achievement to be back in school, creating a positive future for yourself.

As you read here you'll find that many of us have bounced from one Nman to another,
that's very common. Until people learn what you're now learning, that is. Then you
can unravel that habit. There is long life ahead.

My belief is it can be as wonderful as you want, with hard work. And it sounds like you're
no stranger to that.

Have you considered therapy to help you do this work?

I'm glad you found the board.

Hopalong

[moonlight52]

Dearest dabwande,I do not usually say dearest but well I must. You see my sweet daughter (my 27 year old) was hurt, assaulted and hit in the head by a boyfriend he broke a artery in her head and it caused a hematoma.She had to have surgery.She is fine now but sweetie I understand what you have gone though .The night my child was in intensive care I could not sleep in her room .I slept in the closes room to her.I slept on the floor.The guy was arrested by FBI because kidnapping was involved.Hes trial is coming up soon .My girl has had a complete recovery .We have to be strong.He will get 8-15 years .My girls working and finishing college.Be proud for all you have come thu .I am in your corner .Be strong ,stay safe
And most of all sweet dreams darling............................
Moonlight
Love and Light 
Moonlight

[Brigid]

Welcome dabwonde,
I am so sorry for the long painful road you have had to travel.  You will find many kindred spirits here who have dated, been in long-term relationships and married n men (and women).  There is usually a relationship between childhood experiences and the reason we choose to be in those kinds of relationships, and hang around for so long, even when it is extremely dysfunctional.

I agree with Hops that if you are not already in therapy, it may be of great help to you now.  I spent over 2 years with a wonderful therapist healing those deep-seated injuries that made it impossible for me to recognize or choose a healthy partner.  It was a long, arduous, often painful process, but the results have been so beneficial and I have been in a wonderful relationship for over a year.

Good for you to have gone back to school and are doing so well.  We need those kinds of accomplishments to help with the healing process.

Many blessings as you continue on your road to health and well-being.

Brigid 

[Sela]

Hi dabwonde,

I can only echo what everyone else has posted to you.  Welcome and may you find peace, healing and strength to go on to enjoy a much better, happier, healthier life from now on.

My classmates at school are mobbing me...I am a pariah that they won't even acknowledge.

I'm sorry this is happening now.  It sounds awful and like you might feel singled out and bullied?  That's not very nice to experience, as if you haven't been through enough already?

I didn't do anything about it..didn't report it or confront her. The intimidation worked...I am silenced. And exhausted.

Do you believe you "should" have reported it/confronted her?

One thing about intimidation.......it's quite paralysing, I find.  It's fear that does the real work, imo, and causes that exhausted feeling.

Truly.....think about it.....what do you really have to fear from these oafs?
They're behaviour sounds like that of irresponsible goofs, who don't have a clue?

Ok......so they let the air out of your tire and ordered you around.  I'm trying to imagine your fear.

What do you fear most?
What do think they could do next?

It's hard to go there, sometimes, but it can help to think of the worst, make a plan, and then forget about it (because the chances of the worst possible thing happening......are very slim, actually).

((((((((((((((dabwonde)))))))))))))))))

Big large huge hug to you.  You've come a long way.  You are doing great in school!!  Congratulations on being an A student!!

You are older and wiser than some of these other students.  They may envy you?  Maybe, because of the age difference, they see you as similar to some other authority figures in their lives?  Possibly....not the nicest authority figures (not because you're not nice but because they've had not nice experiences....maybe??).
Who knows why they're acting the way they are?

All I know is war doesn't work.  I wonder if there is a way to communicate with them as to let them know that you are not the enemy?    I don't know.  I always want stuff to work out nicely and that doesn't always happen but sometimes it does.  I hope so, in your case.  How much time do you have left with this group of students?  It won't last forever, that's one thing to keep in mind!

Sela

[mum]

(((((((dabwonde)))))))
Welcome here. Your suffering has been so great....you sound like maybe you are done living as a victim? That's the first step, you know...just plain deciding you don't want that for your life anymore. And it's a huge step.  And it takes a while to feel that you deserve it..
Give yourself some compassion....give yourself time to make a new "tape" in your head, one that says you are amazing, worthy, and  someone that attracts positive, wonderful experiences in life for herself. It can be done.
Sending power....but it's in you already, really...power to create the life you want (now find out what that is....not just what you don't want....what you want).

[pennyplant]

Hi dabwonde,

Welcome to the board.  You have had a lot to overcome but I see that you have it in you to keep going forward.  When you talk about how the students treat you in nursing school, it reminded me just how competitive that kind of training is.  I have heard many stories from my sister who is now a nurse and, though I would say that what was done to you was criminal, it didn't shock me as much as it might.  I don't know WHY nursing school is so competitive and "dog eat dog".  But I have heard this.  Keep your sights on the goal.  You will make such a difference in the world and in your life once you become a nurse.  So, I want to give you encouragement.  Even though the student retaliated against you for asking for the exception regarding the quiz, still you stood up for yourself and did it in a professional way.  That is an accomplishment.

I look forward to hearing more from you.

Pennyplant