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My Story

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Karin:
I’ve been adding a few comments here and there for a while on the board and I’m aware that you don’t know much about me. Sorry about that. I haven’t really felt the need for any advice or support; just to know that you know what I know is enough for me. I gave up trying to explain my husband’s narcissism to friends and family, they just don’t get it and you can’t blame them really, because they weren’t there. This board has been invaluable. But, I will perhaps need you all in the future as settlement issues with him are about to surface again soon. So here’s a bit of a run down on me.
I’m 49 and about a year ago came across narcissism as a possible explanation for the behaviour of the person that I loved and married in 1975. He came from a family where the father was an anxious, socially phobic, rude and totally self-absorbed man and his mother was a ‘typical’ 50’s style housewife. Apron on, cooking, cleaning, preserving and ran around after her husband. She was not a ‘warm’ woman. No emotions other than red-faced rage. Only once did I manage to break through her exterior and have a decent, in-depth conversation with her. So I know she was capable of it, but she chose to hide herself. I don’t have any contact with them anymore, and they’ve never taken any real interest in our 3 children. No loss there.
My mother has narcissistic traits and can be a pain in the butt at times though I do have a good relationship with her now. I think because I left home when I was 18, fed up with her trying to control me, (my thoughts, friends, career and everything) she had no choice but to let go of me. My father didn’t really have much of a say in things. He was dependable and there. We seemed to have an unspoken understanding of each other. It would irk Mum when she saw this and she’ll still say as an insult that I’m just like him. He said to me just before he died 4 years ago that ‘he loved my mother but it has not been easy living with her’. I’m telling you all this because I think backgrounds can be helpful in gaining an insight into present situations.
I trained as a nurse but when the 3 children arrived I was a stay-at-home Mum and loved it. I had no desire to go back to work and my husband didn’t seem to have a problem with that either. We decided to move countries from New Zealand to Australia because of better work opportunities for my husband. We were in the kitchen when we told his mother that we had definitely decided to go for a few years and she said, “That’s nice… I wonder if these potatoes are done yet?”  We went, and about six months later he got a letter from her to say that they had sold their house to his younger sister and husband and that they were going to live in a new granny flat there. They had also loaned her the money to buy the property and that she would be responsible for them when they got old. They were only in their early 50’s at that stage. My husband felt very left out, and wrote to them of his concerns (why hadn’t they discussed it with any of the other 3 siblings, what if his sister gets divorced, where would they end up etc.) Back came a nasty letter from the sister accusing him of only being after their parents money. He was very wounded. And I suppose that’s what I’ve been battling with ever since. Instead of dealing with it, he buried it (and whatever else). He got more ambitious at work and the hours at work became longer. He basically started to become his father and took his sh.. out on the kids and me verbally and sometimes physically. I’m not sure if the narcissism was already there and I just didn’t see it or whether he just copied his father’s techniques. I’m not going to go through all the things he said and did but the narcissist label fits like a glove. Our eldest daughter (14) showed signs of OCD just as we were returning to Australia from England were we’d lived for 4 years. A common manifestation of stress. I went back to school and started a 5-year university degree in Architecture. The plan was that we would start a building company using both our skills, him being a civil engineer. Why did I keep going on? Because he talked me into it and I still believed above all that he would be faithful to me. We went to marriage counselling and I finished my degree. My father died and a month later found out that my husband had been to a prostitute while away with work. I decided that the marriage was still worth fighting for and we limped on for 2 years until I caught him out again. I really wasn’t surprised because in those 2 years I saw absolutely no remorse or empathy for me. I was his employee and he could do whatever he wanted.
I think I’m through the worst of it for myself, but the kids are still struggling. Two of them (24 & 20) live with me and the older one is not too far away. We all get on well together and find comfort in one another when we need to. He’s in the Middle East working now and will be back in March for the next court hearing. He won’t settle financially because he thinks it’s all his! I’ve given up stressing about it; he doesn’t matter to me any more. I’ll be OK and so will the kids eventually.
Thanks for reading, if you’ve got this far.

seeker:
Hi Karin,

Sounds like you been down quite a long road.  Welcome and I'm glad you find the board useful.  It's been pretty gratifying for me as well esp. since as you say, many people don't know about N because it is so subtle and comes to light only after repeated exposure.  

Thanks for sharing your story with everybody.  Look forard to hearing from you more.  Best, S.

WarriorGirl:
Karin,
   I wish I could be there to hold your head and assure you you aren't nuts. Doesn't it feel like you're the one with the problem, in your soul, as we all did?
   Why do the best of us get challenged by the worst?
   Because we're warriors.
   Love to you fair lady.

Karin:
Thank you so much Seeker and WarriorGirl for your kind comments. It's amazing how a few words can make such a difference.

Nic:
Hi Karin,
Thank you so much for your story..I feel like I know you tons better now.  And..how I can relate to your story.
I was reading about your husband and your experience with him..and something jumped out at me that I struggle with as a victim of N abuse.  The way you describe it, it appeared to me that after being so hurt by his own family..not being consulted about his parents and their future ( in a normal family, everyone is involved aren't they?) that his self absorption turned evil against his own ( you and your children) family.
It has been long maintained that indeed Ns are wounded souls, that they repeat patterns presented to them when they were helpless children..such pervasiveness.
I struggle with the repeating of these patterns of life..my guilt comes from the fact that knowing how hurt they've all been, I cannot get into that frame of mind where my heart can understand their pain on that level only.  I think i'm not there yet because of my ongoing court struggles with my own N parents.  How can you move into the deeper realm of authentic understanding and forgiveness when the Ns are there, at your throat, relentlessly abusing you..polluting your very atmosphere with their venomous blaming and self-centered criticism.  Sometimes, when I explain my relationship to my N parents and brother to friends or acquaintances and they don't quite get it, i feel frustrated with these very friends because, in their uninformed yet genuine goodness, they are almost forcing me to accept the unacceptable.
It's very frustrating..and like you, i've decided to fight to the end whilst letting go of my Ns, who will never understand themselves.  Like your husband, my Ns believe they own it all..even with the accounting, black figures on white paper in their faces, they are unwilling to admit and unable to conceive that my wife and I have put loads of money and time in our commonly owned property.  ( REF: nparents are suing my wife and I for the sale of our commonly owned property saying we spent no money there and that they are paying for " our lifestyle")
There is a vacuum there, an N void..an N blindness or veil that won't let reality and truth in.  As if you and I were looking at Sydney harbour with the Opera House and all..and I kept insisting that there was no Opera House there...it's that bad!!!
So, I think, like you...the only thing left to do is fight for what's rightly ours, ie: the material stuff..and let go of the other stuff, in your case your N ex hubby and in mine..my N ex adoptive Parents and my N ex adopted brother.
Seems like Ns can only relate to things they can touch and handle, such as money, other peoples' bodies..they hang on to the tangible stuff because they cannot and are too afraid to deal with the intagibles..feelings, responsibilities, and what they should be accountable for.
What a trip it's been huh?
Thanks so much for your story..and much much luck in court.
blessings Nic :)

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