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Simon46:
Nic said

"Sometimes, when I explain my relationship to my N parents and brother to friends or acquaintances and they don't quite get it, i feel frustrated with these very friends because, in their uninformed yet genuine goodness, they are almost forcing me to accept the unacceptable."

This is tough because it is so hard to explain to people who have never experienced the N patterns, or at least thought about it a lot. Particularly the "covert narcissism" version that happens behind closed doors to immediate family members only. Folks who don't live inside the same doors you did would simply find it to be unbelievable. "They seem like nice people to me, sweet as can be, what do you mean?"

I have had friends tell me that I should "patch it up" with my father while I can. I've been told to "shake it off" by well-meaning friends. I recently received a well-intentioned letter from a relative telling me "she doesn't know anything about what happened, but that my parents are "wonderful people" and that God has instructed her to intervene in this matter. She also sent me an inspirational book quoting Christian scripture, specific pages to read, and told me to call my father and that she would send him the same book and let him know that I was going to call so that he would be receptive.

I sent her back a letter thanking her for the book and the kind thoughts.  What else can you do?

Discounted Girl:
Send the well-meaning do-gooders a list of only 10,000 of the 65,000,000 incidences well thought-out and orchestrated to bring deliberate harm to you by your Nparent.  Tell them more are available upon request. It's not a point of argument, it's a point of validation and if they don't "get it," that's understandable, but they need their eyes forcibly opened perhaps. Get N'd all your life by the woman who owns the womb from whence you came, then tell me you "got over it."  Tell the relative who was divinely inspired that she should have stayed tuned to the whole of God's message. The intervention may have been a directive for her to point the finger where it belongs. Tell her Simon says to take a giant backwards step and get informed before preaching.

While it has not yet happened, I fully expect that when my NQueenmother passes away I will hear about how awful it must have been for me, and how could I have stood it all those years, and stories of how she mistreated others, bla, bla -- they can all save their breath. The time for validation and acknowledgment is now, not then.

Nic:
I love that Discounted Girl..to tell that lady that she should get and stay atuned with God's real message!  WEll said!
I feel the same anger you do..it's a horrible thing to have been abused in silence like we were...the Ns forced us into this double life..They ultimately have to pay I just know it!
I've tried what you say a couple of times, that is telling with a list and recounting the many things and times i was done wrong by my Nparents.  It's doubly frustrating because the aunt or the uncle switch off..they're literally not listening..the n thing and the Abuse thing seem to be diseases not only of voicelessness but also of silence..hence the covert element.
Yuck!  I slipped my telephone number to my favourite aunt on my Ndad's side at christmastime via somebody else..the deliverer told me she thought my aunt would call me.  It is now feb the 3rd and no phonecall..people decide what they want to deal with and vice versa..obviously my aunt doesn't feel the same about me as I do/did about her..
It's very isolating fighting your Ns...if you're fighting them the way I am, you're fighting a whole long established structure..a real network of lies and schemes developed over time and involving many people.  My advice to anyone would be to know what you are embarking on ..Know your enemy, because fighting my Ns has been hell on earth..and it's still continuing.  When someone doesn't want you to get at the truth, there is nothing they won't do...but you get used to it after a while in that the same lies resurface and ultimately the Ns have told so many lies and have fabricated so much that they begin to slip up here and there..and others start to wonder until, ultimately and I dare hope inevitably they hang themselves.
I can remember taking blame for something major when I was a teenager and yelling at my N dad:  " It is statistically impossible for me to be responsible for every f___ing thing that goes on or wrong around here!"...no response from him..as he silently slipped away and went about his business..as usual.
The next day I was in the car park of a shopping mall, smoking a joint ( I had taken that up at age 17..ugh!) and from one minute to the next was plunged into six months of an anxiety attack..i literally was panicked, agoraphobic, totally felt like I was going to die, lost 50 lbs, had a constriction of my oesophagus that would not go away..and of course I couldn't talk to anybody about it..alone again!
I've since read that mental illness is something alot of ACONS slip into if somehow they cannot get the help necessary..I came very close to it..i read on panic and anxiety at that age and discovered that phobias were irrational fears and told myself repeatedly that my fear and feelings of impending doom were irrational and that I shouldn't be feeling them..that helped some.  I did alot of physical exercise to  tire me out mentally because I just couldn't relax.  Every bite of food was painful to swallow..
All of this crap I went through alone ALONE, my N mom was zonked out on Halcion and alcohol and my N dad couldn't give a shit..he was zonked out on avoidance..
I felt like a trapped animal, at 17..can you imagine?  So many of my friends were enjoying  the most wonderful times of their lives and I was suffering in silence, afraid to be.
A family friend prescribed Valium..four times a day..I took one and felt so out of control on that ( i was literally thinking too fast and my body was not reacting on time or in sync with my thoughts..very weird!) and I never touched that again..in the back of my mind was the fear of being silenced with drugs and the greater fear of becoming a pill popping replica of my crazy mother..
Oi! what a trip...
I hate the way my n parents are but i know i can't change them...I've gotten away from them now..despite the court case.  If I hadn't been so well trained in guilt and shame I would have/should have left right then and there..the minute I turned 18.  I've since forgiven myself for being so naive and thinking things would ever change.
So I put off my rebellion...until now!  I'm forty, scarred and scared, but I know i'm doing the right thing for my own emotional survival.
Best of luck to everyone in their struggle,
love Nic :cry:

seeker:
Hey everybody,

I just wanted to put  out there that I feel like it is impossible for people who have not gone through a particular kind of difficulty to validate the experiences of someone who has.  Okay, that's a little vague, but what I mean is it takes an ACON to recognize the particular and peculiar pain of other ACONs.  It's almost like being a Vietnam vet.  Even vets who fought other wars couldn't relate completely with these guys because it was a most bizarre "conflict".  Why were they fighting?  Who was the enemy?  Why did some friends spit on them when they got home?  

I also have other challenges that are not related to N or mental health at all, but are subtle.  I suspected that the only people who could possibly understand my point of view were parents of similar circumstances, and even some of them are in denial.  (Sorry, I won't be more specific right now).  I tested this theory by sharing my experiences with a well-meaning friend.  She is kind, but she simply cannot understand what I am talking about and she is someone who really wants to and doesn't have any agenda about this issue except wanting to understand.  It is like speaking a foreign language.  But I was glad I tried even though it was frustrating.  It taught me where to seek validation.  I guess, after all this rambling, that is my point, where to find that validation...

Nic, your experience sounds just horrendous.  There must be a very strong survival instinct in you to have rejected the drugs, etc.  and to seek help after having been so alone.  The aloneness is something I still struggle with.  From the outside I do not look alone, but I feel it every single day. I am now working on trying to accept that fact as a part of me.  I actually enjoy being alone a lot and need lots of space.  At the same time, I wish I had that one best friend outside my family to count on.  

On a lighter note: DG, I hear your anger, but I had to laugh when you said "Simon says..."  That lady with the books did sound like an obnoxious self-appointed referee.  I want to say to her "God told me to tell you that I got His message..."  I wonder if she walks around with a pink "While You Were Out" message pad, checking "Please Return God's Call..."  Simon, you could tell her God can reach you directly on your cell phone and you won't be needing her answering services in the future since you have voicemail.  Does she wear one of those tee shirts that say "You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me"?  OK, I'll lay off, she does mean well, I'm sure.  

Take care out there  :wink: S.

Simon46:

--- Quote --- hear your anger, but I had to laugh when you said "Simon says..." That lady with the books did sound like an obnoxious self-appointed referee. I want to say to her "God told me to tell you that I got His message..." I wonder if she walks around with a pink "While You Were Out" message pad, checking "Please Return God's Call..." Simon, you could tell her God can reach you directly on your cell phone and you won't be needing her answering services in the future since you have voicemail. Does she wear one of those tee shirts that say "You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me"? OK, I'll lay off, she does mean well, I'm sure.
--- End quote ---


Seeker - This is really funny! Thanks for the laugh.

My own reaction to receiving her book and "instructions" surprised even me. I truly was not mad, or offended. I just thought matter-of-factly "Ahhh, there it is, I wondered when this was coming." I did not know when or from whom, but I had already anticipated something like this and simply accepted it as a well-meaning gesture from someone who understands absolutely nothing about the situation. How could I even take it seriously?

I no longer feel much of a need to explain the situation to anyone, even my good friends. Even my best friend of 30 years just asks "Have you called your Dad?"  He doesn't really want to hear the details, he could not understand them anyway. This is OK with me at this point.

It has really helped me to realize that no one else read all those nasty emails, heard the nasty phone calls, or saw the ugly letters. No one else was there all of those times I was beat up with words and demeaned. (Except my siblings) Even the most earnest seeker would have a hard time understanding it. How could they get it when all they ever saw was the "nice guy." Other people's ignorance is becoming a little more OK with me each day. I feel like I am accepting it for what it was. Feeling less of a need to explain it, feel some of the anger and emotional energy draining out of it (after almost 2 years).

I have not spoken with them in almost two years and also live 500 miles away (As do all my sibs) and am not entangled with them in my day to day life, as many of you are. They are not able to inflict fresh wounds, so that the ones I have can begin to heal. That helps a lot too.

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