"Don't Tell! Don't Feel! Don't think!" Common?

[seeker]

Hi Nic, Anastasia and all,

Nic, I read your posts with interest because my dad was at boarding school and I often wonder how this affected him.  A chicken and egg thing: is he the way he is now because he was sent there or was he sent there because he was so difficult at home?  I don't think I'll ever get to the bottom of that, and I probably don't need to in order to move forward.  But knowing that boarding school can be a dog-eat-dog experience for children who are totally unprepared and are abandoned by their parents is a painful revelation.  Almost like a glorified orphanage...it sounds like a positive nightmare for you.

Nic and Anastasia: I think the wish we all have in common is that we had grown up in emotionally safe places, whether at home or with people who loved us for who we are....whereever we could find that safety.

As for the "don't tell" stuff.  I find myself asking my children not to tell things.  When is something a "secret" and when is it "private"?  I try to stress emotional honesty in our house.  We will discuss some things openly and also say, this is family talk.  What I read in the posts here is that some of us weren't allowed to address things in the home. This was certainly true for me.  I am an extremely private person, due to the ridicule at home and also for repercussions whenever I confided in someone and they betrayed me, the hammer would come down...however, I want my kids to feel they are free to find emotional support with their friends as well as with family.  I guess this is what they will teach me as they grow, because I am still learning how to deal with this issue.  

Just some thoughts.  Take care, S.

[Anastasia]

Yes, Nic, I understand.  I hope I didn't offend you, but I just hated where I was forced to live.  Rather, hated who I had to live with.
My house was a very unsafe place emotionally.  I have said to Nmother that all thru Jr. High and High School I expected my stepfather to molest me...was always a nervous wreck...and--if he had--Nmother would have blamed me!  It was almost a classically codependent home where the mother turns against the victim and sides with the abuser.
Luckily, I had a big mouth (surely, nobody here should be surprised at that?!!) and think he was scared of what I might say/do.  I had already made a pact with myself that if he tried anything, I would tell...tell...tell...even if he threatened me.  And I would have.
It was a hard childhood.
The joke is nobody at school ever knew or suspected.  I was popular, bright--one of those students who is so smart but is totally unmotivated.  The teachers worried about me, and would call home time to time.
When you are worried about SURVIVAL, you don't care about grades (Maslow's heirarchy of needs).  Some suspected "something" wasn't right, I know.  But Nmother--the Midwest Distributor for Codependency--would lie, lie, lie and defend that piece of shit she was married to; and, somehow, I ALWAYS became the "problem" because, surely, it wasn't the freak she was married to.  Or I was making things up and lying, she would tell people.  Lots of horrible memories.
Guess we both made it out somehow.....Take care!

[phoenix]

bye

[Anastasia]

Phoenix, actually your father buying a car for your sister is quite believable....especially since he feels he "sacrificed" his position for you to have your horse, and he had to tolerate your not thinking he was the greatest parent of all (you did "talk" to others about how dysfunctional the family was--you tried to blow his image in his mind).
The car was his way of sticking it to you and showing his hostility.  
What else would a controlling parent do to the child who had the nerve to buck his golden--and absolute-- rule?
Seems pretty clear what his message was to me.  Just my humble opinion, of course.
(Maybe this is so clear to me is cause I had parents with the same mentality as yours)

[Anonymous]

when you do 'tell' often its to get criticism or bad advice or to be disbelieved, feels like no ones on your side.

[phoenix]

bye

[Anastasia]

Phoenix, got you!  Surely--since you were there--you are right about why he bought a car for his other daughter.  Makes total sense albiet a misguided decision.
I guess my personality is radically different from most here as I never "tried so hard" to gain favor with my crazy Nparents.  I knew I would never win and just gave up trying to gain their favor...and just attempted to "save" myself.  Mostly this meant staying out of their way and not giving them anything to bitch at me about if I could help it.  
Of course, you can find anything to complain about on anyone if you look for it--nobody is perfect (not even Mother Teresa)--and their favorite pastime was "let's pick on Anastasia."  My stepfather even bitched one time about how I walked in too small a step (my "glide" was too short)--that one was even funny at the time although I tried to act like I really was concerned.  I just always knew they were nuts and tried to stay out of their way until I could get away from that hellhole.
Again, the VICTIM is usually the HEALTHIEST one is a dysfunctional family as they see what is REALLY going on.
Thanks for explaining the situation in better terms.  I can only guess at some things--without enough further explanation--using my own experiences with Nparents as a base.  Sorry, I really am trying to help, and, of course, am subject to wrong interpretations.  Thanks for explaining.

[phoenix]

bye

[Anastasia]

Phoenix:   3rd paragraph and first line of your post for Feb. 6 at 4:09 pm said you "tried so hard" is where I got that idea.  Maybe you meant to say something else?
What I am saying about myself is I didn't even try as I knew there was nothing I could do to win anyone's love as my stepfather was jealous of me always and my Nmother didn't care ultimately at all for anyone but herself and her needs being filled.  I just got my needs filled elsewhere but the house.

[phoenix]

bye

[phoenix]

bye

[Anonymous]

My fear, ultimatley is that he would claim me as crazy, dillusional, and have me put away. I don't know if he can do that, but I have told various people over the years, those close to me, that I fear this, and if it should happen, come get me out! Can he do this? I don"t know.


NO. NO HE CANNOT DO THIS.

Do you  have a therapist? a good therapist will help you put this fear to rest.

Is this man still in your life?