Memory... Meaning?

[gratitude28]

I was reading Highlights with my kids this morning, and for some reason, one of the little stories jumped up and pushed me into a weird memory corner...

When I was three or four, we lived in the South and had neighbors who drove one of those VW vans...My parents, of course "hated the damned hippies" (they hated everyone else too, but had different reasons for each family). At any rate, the little girl at the house next door asked me if I wanted to eat dinner there. I went and aksed my parents and they said, "Did they ask you." My friend said to say yes. When I got over there, the parents said, "No." I was terrified. I didn't know whether to sit outside until dinner time passed or what to do... truth is, I don't remember what I did do. But I remember being that scared a lot... I lost a book in middle school, and rather than telling my parents, I skipped lunch for a month to pay for it...

I can't imagine my kids being terrified to tell me anything... no less something so little.

I am sure others of you had that reaction too. Do you think it's because the "punishments" were so harsh and because we never knew how they were going to react.

Anyone have a story??? An idea????

Love, Beth

[Plucky]

Hi Beth,
yes, I totally remember that.   I remember having a pit of dread in my stomach so many times that I will never ever forget the feel of it.  I remember not being able to even imagine the punishment, it was going to be so bad.   
That is horrible not only about your family, but that the 'hippies' would say no like that.  How rude!  And how rude to their own child, as well!
Plucky

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((little Beth))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) 

from your hippie Hoppy friend whose kitchen is always, always open to you.

(I am a terrible cook but I would give you platefuls of Twinkies and cheese, if that's what you wanted.)

[moonlight52]

Hey Beth
Or maybe those hippies were doing something they should not have been...............

If my little one invited a friend for dinner I have always said yes.....
That must have been so scary and confusing for you .......

Memory : I went to the local drug store
I was about nine I wanted a Nestle's crunch candy bar I snitched one and on the walk home
I ate it no one would have known the difference .
But I got home and made my dreadful confession and got in trouble.
And there were other times ................


Another memory : My dearest girlfriend's mom let us (her sis was also a friend) go up and play in their attic and there were rows of antique dresses
feather boas ,hat's of all kinds from the 1920's .She let us dress up oh what a great time we had...
Clara Bow we were not but what a dream what sweet memories the three of us made.......... what a world we made  for ourselves .

Much love to you ,

MoonLight

p.s. I thought I would  give a sweet memory to balance the scary one.

[gratitude28]

Twinkies and cheese sound lovely

I never felt bad that they had told me no... as always, I thought it was my fault... I had been bad...

OOOhhhh moon, I loved dressing up. I remember totally "becoming" another person. I was in a fantasy world a lot... wonder if that was part of trying to hide from reality...

You know, the "hippies" were just one of the derogatory terms my parents used (and use). I can't bear it when I am near them. They have cut it down knowing I don't approve.  It is funny, I was thinking about that... there were the majority of people, who were repulsive in some way or another (according to them) and the shining few who could do no wrong...

Plucky, I know that horrible sinking feeling...

((((((((((((((((all))))))))))

Beth

[gratitude28]

I know exactly what you mean, baby. To this day I very rarely if ever ask anyone for help, even when I know they would be pleased to be trusted in that way.... I guess in a way I don't let anyone "get one over" on me. That is sick... but my parents used anything they did for me in that way... it cai=used them to have less money, or less time, or took away from "their" relationship.

[Hopalong]

... beating a child with a belt. 

And you grew up to claim the name Joy.

I can't express it except I am so sorry she hurt you.

It makes me angry and sad but I am glad you are here, and so clearly determined to heal.

Hops

[penelope]

hi beth and all,

Yes.  I remember distincly now how it was not OK to say "I forgot."  It is such a catch 22, cause a child of N parents constantly dissociates (gets lost in their thoughts) in order to cope.  I think we had more forgetful episodes than others. 

Then when we realize we've done wrong, we are terrified of the consequences.  The terror, daily, is also what I remember.

My N parents also hated everyone else, or found a reason to think we were superior.  ick


hugs,
bean

[gratitude28]

Jac,
That is terrible. I can imagine it must have been more than frightening to go home... never to know what to expect.
I always like to go on a vacation... to anywhere. People were amazed that I would think a farmhouse in the country was an amazing vacation. But anywhere wasn't the nasty mess that my house was, literally or figuratively. For a few days I could feel almost clean.
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

ahhh Jac. I'm so terribly sorry. That would leave me permanently on guard. PTSD.
And Beth, I'm so sorry.

I am very glad y'all posted some of these early sights and feelings.
Must be so hard to write them down.

We can hold them for you.

love,
Hops

[Sela]

Darkness
by Kirsti A. Dyer
 
My light and my life   
provided me hope for a future,   
a reason to live   
and the strength to exist.   

Suddenly extinguished,   
taken away without warning.   
I was abandoned,   
left in the darkness   
trying to survive   
searching for any glimmer   
on the distant horizon.   

I stand precariously   
on a piece of solid ground   
barely large enough for my feet.   
Around me, a vast expanse   
of desolation and emptiness   
for as far as I can tell.   

It waits   
with extending arms   
to engulf and surround me   
in a permanent shadow.   

I remain tenuously balanced   
on this small bit of solid footing   
Providing me the last vestiges of hope,   
Unsure where to turn   
or how to find an escape.   

No path in sight,   
it has decayed into the abyss.   
No light to guide my footsteps,   
it has been withdrawn.   

In complete blackness   
I close my eyes   
waiting to fall.   

A light appears before me   
no,   
from within me.   

I discover   
a brilliance inside   
An internal source of strength, power   
and illumination.   

This force surges through my body   
filling me with courage.   
I open my eyes once more in the darkness   
finally lose my balance,   
and descend   
into the eternal night.   

But in falling, I discover   
that I possess wings.   

With new courage, my own light,   
and wings to save me   
from the everlasting darkness   
I take flight   
high above the waiting chasm   
towards a faint glimmer   
far on the horizon   
and hope.


(((((((((((Jac))))))))))))     ((((((((((((Beth)))))))))))


Sela

[gratitude28]

Very beautiful, Sela. Thank you.

[Sela]

You are most welcome Beth.

PS ((((Bean))))  ((((Hops)))) too.

Sela