hideous visit with grandparents, still recovering

[marydunne]

Ugh. 

The weekend before last, I went out of town to visit my grandparents (mother's side).  They are the only family members I really have anything to do with anymore, and really it's only because they are old and I feel guilty (which is odd, since I had nothing to do with their getting old).

So many icky incidents...

#1 - My grandfather touched my chest in a creepy way.  He was talking about how he remembered when I was younger, and was "this tall".  The gesture was more like when you indicate little kids and you lower your hand to below your hips - you know that gesture?  It was like that but his hand touched me square in the chest (and I'm tall, so chest-level on me is not little-kid-level).  The whole thing was "off".  I wondered if he wasn't trying to sneak a feel.  Ugh.

#2 - My grandmother has diabetes, but whenever I visit she makes or buys some huge gooey dessert, which she eats because it is a "special occasion" (my visit).  Then all weekend she frets about her blood sugar being too high and how tough it is to have diabetes, which is my cue to get all sympathetic and worried about her.  I don't do this, since she is the one who made the choice to eat the dessert.

#3 - My grandfather was talking about how pleased he was with some changes I made to the settings on his satellite TV service on an earlier visit.  I said "Oh, there are other things I can do with it" and picked up the TV remote.  He freaked out, demanding I give him the remote.  I hadn't even touched any of the buttons, but he started shouting at me "You're f**king it up!!!"  I handed him back the remote and sat there for a moment, stunned that he could be so rude.  My grandmother (who watches my every move like a hawk) giggled, finding it amusing that I was upset.  Later she said the whole episode was my fault.

I can tell you what NEVER happens on these visits.  They don't ask me anything about my life or listen to anything substantial that I try to say.  They don't take an interest in ME, only in whatever granddaughter-visit scenario they have in mind.

They really are quite horrible people.  It will be a relief when they die.

[ANewSheriff]

What a painful, frustrating, and confusing visit.  I am sorry.  Please continue to check in and share.  It is helpful to have some support.

ANewSheriff   

[WRITE]

Yuk!

They are the only family members I really have anything to do with anymore, and really it's only because they are old and I feel guilty (which is odd, since I had nothing to do with their getting old).

well, you have to figure I guess which of your needs you're trying to meet by going there, it doesn't sound like a healthy place and your attempts to be assertive or helpful aren't paying off?

I can tell you what NEVER happens on these visits.  They don't ask me anything about my life or listen to anything substantial that I try to say. 

oh, you already said it.

That's really hard isn't it, something to mourn, even before they die.

They really are quite horrible people.  It will be a relief when they die.

Yes they are, and your anger is understandable.

You don't have to wait until they die- for one thing they are unlikely to die in the same timeframe, and any guilt or unresolved emotion you feel now might be worse if there were only one of them and yourself left...

I did 2 years of therapy with a good psychologist, it really helped especially with guilt and trying to make things what they will never be.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[mum]

HI, Marydunne:

Am I missing something here? WHY do you visit them? Or was that the last time?

I think we all put way too much importance on blood relations and not enough about real relations...relationships.
This one sounds painful.
Where is the guilt coming from? You (hilariously) pointed out that it's about them getting old and you had nothing to do with it (again, hilarious!!). Could someone/thing else be compelling you to put yourself in this unhealthy situation more than once?

My therapist told me about a session she was in with some other therapists. She decided to share her "issue" with her mother.
Long ago, when she was a young mother, she made a 2 hour trip most weekends to visit her parents, and then would spend the return trip crying to her husband because her mother was so horrific. A catholic priest in the group said "You go there almost every weekend?
Wow, you play a mighty good game of 'Kick ME' don't you?"

She said this floored her. It had never occured to her that A) she could choose not to see her mother that often, or at all, and
B) she could choose how she reacted to her mom, and C) she could set boundaries for herself on what she would and would not accept, treatment wise, from her mother.

So, I know you don't see these grandparents that often....but will you continue? It's pretty hard to set boundaries with people who don't recognize them... that's futility in action..... (the remote story...gee whiz!)

[cat]

I absolutely agree with you, Mum.  I think we put so much importance on blood relations rather than real relationships because it's what society teaches.  Mothers, Fathers, Grandparents - are supposed to be nurturers.  And there's not a lot of discussion in the real world about how to deal with those who aren't!

For instance - what do you do on Mothers/Fathers when you've got an icky Mom/Dad or Grandparent?  Do you treat yourself to dinner (and watch everyone else there with their perfect parent?)  Do you go to church and hear a wonderful sermon about great parents?  Or, do you plan to know the day is going to be a bad day and plan on a way to get through it!

Ah well! It's nice to be a daughter - or a parent to those who aren't blood relations - but by those who are closer than any blood relation!  Those relationships are ones I celebrate!

[marydunne]

Thanks for your replies. 

I visit them only twice a year.  I did not see them at all for four years while I lived overseas (I came back three years ago).  Before that, I saw them only a few times per year.  (I'm 39, by the way.)

Good question re: WHY I visit them.  The reasons are:  I have some nice memories of them and visiting them as a child, and I want to sort of honour that by still seeing them in their old age.  I feel guilty that hardly anyone else visits them.  And I figure that they have only so much time left, and I don't want to regret not seeing them.  And because they are the only family members I can tolerate anymore (the others are worse, although different), so if I'm not seeing them - I really am alone in the world.

Of course I'm re-thinking all of that now.  Here it is two weeks later and I am still sickened by the whole episode.  I had crazy stressful dreams last night and I know they were fallout from the visit.  My grandparents have made it clear that they have absolutely no interest in respecting any of my boundaries.  They still think of me as a five-year-old who has to fall in line with their agenda.  I really don't enjoy the visits, it costs me money and vacation days that I could spend on much more pleasant activities.

I have decided not to see them again for at least one year, if not longer.  No Christmas visit.(Christmas is for me the most soul-killing fake-family experience.  I hate it.  I LOVE being alone at Christmas because it means I am honouring my real feelings and not pretending so as to please others.)

For now, though, I need to work on recovering from that horrible weekend!

[Hopalong]

Hi Marydunne,
I think you've made an excellent decision and you sound very clear. Alone in the world is a very painful feeling...but that might be just biologically alone. I hope you will find your way to creating your own loving extended family. Your genes are not weeping for other genes that resemble them. It's your heart, that has grown up on the story of bio-love.

Your grandfather sounds creepy and your grandmother just annoying. I think back to the moments in life when I was touched inappropriately and get so mad about the how-to-be-a-good-sweet-girl training that would leave me standing there paralysed. In hindsight, I'd have a fantasy of taking hold of his wrist very firmly and setting his hand down in such a way that he wouldn't mistake my body ever again for something he could touch without respect or permission. And saying, Granpa, don't touch me like that again, the way you just put your hand on my chest made me feel uncomfortable. (You know, actually speaking? The other taboo that keeps us voiceless?)

--sorry if I'm digressing on my own tangent. It just rang some chimes for me. Feeling like you can't move AND can't speak. Horrible.--

Don't be alone in the world. You're not.
And glad you're here with us in this part of it.

This is such a good place.

Hopalong

[Hopalong]

Hi Marydunne,
If you'd like to PM me I have a link I'd send you....

Hopalong

[helena]

Hi Marydunne
I feel sorry for you and I know how it can feel to have problems with hideous parents mine are too. I have also got the advice to take my backpackage and leave my parents mentally speaking and go forward towards new people and new adventures. It is much more fun and nicer and interesting with people not from your own family. However I have like you been to my parents hourse several times because like you I feel that they must appreciate my visits and so on. For you can be happy that you do not live so close and that you are free to chose who to visit or not.
best regards
Holly 

[marydunne]

Hello all

Thanks for the input.

I realized this morning, after having trouble sleeping again, just how disruptive it is be with my grandparents.  It stirs up too many difficult issues.  

I have a pretty good equilibrium most of the time.  I have a life that works for me.  Then I have contact with them and it's like wham! - hello dysfunction.

So, no more.  And no more guilt!