Hi H&H,
I'd second everything Mountainspring said; excellent thoughts to keep in mind. The cool part is, imho, the difficulty of remembering other options and acting on them is directly proportionate to use: they get easer and easier. Even habitual. Plus an inch of detachment = a mile of safety. And you get all the positive reinforcement that flows from feeling more empowered/less trapped.
Sooooo, next question…. How can I change things by I don’t get suckered into this type of conversation?
How can I change my reaction so I don’t feel fed up by all the talk of my brother?
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Don't know if they'd fit for you, but these are self-defensives I use or have used:
1) In a conversation where the other person wants to monologue, I let them. Keep one toe in, just in case there's eventually a question, but I feel free to wander off mentally or walk around the house/watch the birdies outside. Phone calls with my N. MiL are like this. They used to be, as you described, really draining. Now I see how easy my tiny role is. The answer was truly accepting that talking about herself is all she knows, conversationally, and she just isn't capable of taking an interest in my H. or me.
One mistake I used to make with MiL: assuming that a comment from her about XYZ meant she might want to hear about us, or a response from me, or, essentially, anything but her own voice. Her reaction when I forgot that this was a
monologue? Interrupt me, 'top' or compete with what I said, or go back to herself like I hadn't said a word. Used to bug me royally before I accepted her for who she was, mourned what we'd never have with her, then learned to accept her and the place where she is.
2) Do you have caller ID? I do, and feel free to screen incoming calls. If I don't feel up to X conversation/caller, I'll call them back at a better time. Depending on the person, might even wait for a time when I have no more than 5 or 10 minutes to talk. Or, if I think I really need to take the call, I'll set a time limit for myself before I pick up the receiver.
3) I have an N. ex-friend who is still part of my social circle. Have learned to never ask her an open-ended question. (Hard, as I'm a questioner and at-length listener by nature). imho, bless her heart, this woman is a self-pitying sympathy addict. So, if I hear the faintest trace of trolling for sympathy, I do anything but give it. Change the subject, say hmm, uh-huh, or something purely neutral, or point out something positive in the situation versus the 'poor me' validation she's looking for. Over time, she's come to see I'm not a good source of pity or sympathy. I never get together with her one-on-one, so, in a group, she latches onto someone else.
4) As to your brother, it's good that you feel lucky to have escaped. Is there a visualization that might work for you to remember this, how that gratitude
feels, when M. is going on about him? Maybe a positive visual of yourself as free, and him all penned up? Don't mean to get down on your B., just something to remind you of your own good luck, maybe a picture of your sweet H., either mentally, or a great picture to keep near the phone that you could pick up and look at? Back in the reign of my N. F., I used to keep a bowl of seaglass and shells near the phone and just bury my hands in when he started to get to me. Nice cool sensation.
5) I think someone already said this, but conditional words are great tools. 'Maybe,' 'I'll check', 'I'll think about it/get back to you'. Also the long pause. Some folks rely on the verbal ambush, a question or suggestion out of nowhere they try to get the other person to react to immediately. Who, later, will be reluctant to revisit a decision/promise, or back out of a plan. The N. ex-friend was a master of this...over time, I developed a policy of agree to nothing/no promises/always take a minute. Now she only tries to do it via email or letters, or in front of an audience (hoping I'll feel pressured to agree). Even then, I never answer affirmatively.
Also, sometimes I do picture ridiculous things while someone is saying something that might otherwise wear on me. Picture their words as flying cow pies, me lucky to duck, or me as a superhero storing up energy to leap up on the conference table and high kick their coffee mug across the room before I fly down the hall to my next caper. Sometimes just an anvil falling on their head.
Sorry to go on, whoops. Here's to mega-empowerment for you, H&H, and hugs for the trip.
LoH
