Hello again

[miss piggy]

Hello everyone,

Just checking in to say hi on a new thread (almost hijacked write's "dream thread"  ).  I see some familiar names and looking forward to meeting some new friendly ones...

To reintroduce myself, I grew up as the youngest in a house with a major N dad, nice but soldier-like mom, siblings who are either emotionally cutoff or resemble the raging Ndad...a few years ago, there was a major falling out in the family over my SIL, who is IMO, a borderline PD.  The result of all this and my own temperament is that I am a social loner.  Friendly, but loathe to emotionally invest in people, fearing disappointment and abandonment, and believing no one would want to "invest" in me either.  The upside of all the c-r-a-p is that I realize that when Ns feel angry, it isn't necessarily my fault or because I am cosmic doo doo. 

Anyway, I'm back because although I am come a long way in awareness, I still feel some of the same hurts when experiencing the same old same old.   not from family, but from friends.  I am very much drawn to people who resemble my n brother: fun, lively, active, funny and basically critical and rejecting.  I am not allow to cash in a friendship chip without incurring resentment, annoyance or rejection.  Even though I understand it, it still bugs me.  I don't seem to know how to seek out other kinds of people or to even believe they exist-- like I'm seeking some kind of holy grail, thinking nice kind compassion people live somewhere over the rainbow.

Well, that's me.  I hope to be poking around some more soon.  cheers, MP

[moonlight52]

Welcome back miss piggy,

Wow ,I can not believe it .I am the youngest and have a ndad .

My oldest sib left family of origin ,my twin brother passed away and there's me .

I am with ya on the I am not cosmic doo doo (love the phrase) took me years to get there.I am trying to leave resentment and fear behind me and then See what new friends are drawn to me .

Like attracts like I need to work on that one.I am so happy to be detached from the mind games of n dad that I feel like a whole new person.MP we risk relationships ,we risk love .

Who knows what we will get in return.I think maybe not thinking that far ahead would be good.Just start with your beautiful self .Love yourself thu and thu. And then love the people you meet .

Also being the kind of folks we are we must also be careful not to be hurt by  n's ,keep ourselves safe from that.Your awareness is great our n dad's did not take that away from you or me RIGHT.

People are not perfect ,but if you can understand that's apart of a relationship it's well worth some small disappointments.But we need to know the difference.Good people are out there Mp believe this with all your HEART .

We are over the rainbow we can make this world a beautiful place.You take my hand I take yours.

Much Love,
MoonLight

     The light from heaven is about to break upon us ......to give light to those who sit in darkness, and to guide us to the path of peace. Luke 1:78

[miss piggy]

Hello Moonlight,

Thanks for the welcome and encouragement.  Your posts certainly reflect a beautiful way of thinking.    I'll work on it!

Cheers, MP

PS love your nick...

[moonlight52]

Hey Miss Piggy ,I hope I do not sound like a know it all .Everything I have learned is from the folks on board.

My ndad is really a stinker.It took me years to really feel inside it was not me .It was him.He had me feeling I caused ww2 and I was not even born yet.

Well I have rightly earned my freedom .It feels good .I did go thu a lot of crap but we all have HuH.God Bless him and let me have the rest of my life.
"Kindness is all that matters " tittle of Jewel song

MP I am working on it too.

HUGS           ((((((((miss piggy)))))))

Moon
                                                 

[Sela]

Dear Miss Piggy:

Some things in your post really struck me.

I am a social loner.  Friendly, but loathe to emotionally invest in people, fearing disappointment and abandonment, and believing no one would want to "invest" in me either.

These statements bring questions to my brain, which ofcourse you might not feel like answering and certainly you will decide about that.   These are more for you to think about really and to decide what is and isn't working for you.

Do you like being a social loner?  Do you feel like you "should" change for some reason?
Would you like to be involved with more people socially?

Why do you believe no one would want to "invest emotionally" in you?  Is there something wrong with you or them or is this just an unrealistic fear?

Do you think these kind of thoughts and then believe them or do people say or do stuff that you interpret as meaning these kinds of things? (that you are unworthy of emotional investment/will be abandoned, etc).

I am not allow to cash in a friendship chip without incurring resentment, annoyance or rejection.

This sounds to me like you might have tried to "cash in" and felt resented, like you were just annoying someone or they rejected you?  I would feel hurt, I think, in such a case, maybe frustrated and angry too.

Since coming to this board, I think I've been trying to restore my faith in friendship and actually, that has happened to some extent and so, I can relate, if you are feeling a loss of trust in your friends or friendship.

What really helped me was not to lose faith in myself.....and to believe that I am capable of choosing the best possible people to connect with in friendship and to forgive myself for my past mistakes.  I had to admit, ofcourse, that I had made some poor choices and basically end friendships that weren't real or reciprocal.  I think our upbringing has influenced us but not permanently ruined our abilities to learn what to look for, how to be better judges, what real giving and taking means.  It's not a lot of fun...this learning....but in the end....it will happen.

((((((((((((((((((Miss Piggy))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry for any hurt your friends have induced or generated and I'm glad you came here for support.    Maybe it will help to talk some more, if you feel like it, and if not, just to know that others are feeling for you and hoping things will go much better for you from now on.  I for one.

Sela

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hiya MP

I hope you are doing well.... From your post you sound like you have a lot of understanding now about how your brother functions and how it has affected other areas of your life, and your relationships with others.

What I thought from reading was:-

Why should MP think that no one wants to "invest" in her?

What I see on here from your posts is a kind, caring and compassionate person who has been hurt.... Is that different to what you see?

Take care

H&H xx

[Plucky]

Hey there MP.  Nice to see you back.
So you're still drawn to those brother clones.  Maybe next time they will accept and validate you.  Is that what your secret thoughts are hoping?

If you still cannot believe deep down that others would invest in you, and I mean realistic friend possibilities, I think that means that you are not really accepting your own self as valid.  If you think that you are a member of society, then you belong where you are, wherever that is, and just the way you are.  No need to be perfect.  No need to be what you are not.   No need to be beyond criticism.  (No one is.  Why do you have to be?)

Maybe it would help to look all along your life line, and see what things you are proud of and what things make you really you.  What about you would you never give up? (Do not think about what others have valued, this time.)  What makes up the Miss Piggy who holds a unique spot in the universe?  Who does not have to be like anybody else, but is just right?

If it is one thing, or many, this is the self you need to celebrate.  Once you can love that self, decide to be that self, to maintain that self, to embrace that self, to allow that self to live on and be you, you will then be able to believe that others can see value in you as well.  Because you have this special thing.  A thing that not everyone will like, understand, or appreciate.  But some certainly will.

It is one thing to know intellectually that you are not cosmic dudu.    It is another to know it in your heart, through and through.  You know thiat you are not, to some extent because you have been honest on the board and are loved and accepted and have your own place here. 

This also exists in the face to face world.  You will have some trial and error seeking friends there, but instead of listening to your internal N talk when something confusing or frightening happens, try to think that the other person is wrong, or just wrong for you, or give the benefit of the doubt. 

I have noticed that the happiest people are the ones who are able to interpret things that happen to them in ways that do not hurt them. The rest of us go along hurting ourselves in the aftermath of even the tiniest event for no good reason, usually.  I find it useful to look back over events that happened in the past, and are no longer so emotionally fraught, and reinterpret them with the idea that no one was trying to hurt me; I was hurt because I have so many sore spots.

This only works with 'clean' relationships.  I am NOT suggesting that you apply this to someone who clearly hurt you, for example in your toxic FFO or anyone else who has been abusive in any way.  I only mean, those questionable, casual, limited interactions where later on you think you might have interpreted wrongly.  You may never know the real truth about the event.  But it will give you some safe practice at interpreting things in a positive way.  (As long as you promise not to blame yourself.  You are learning.  Your sore spots are not your own doing.)

I'm rushing.  I hope I'm helpful.  If not, I applied the skills I have and did my best to reach out.  Welcome back.

Plucky





 

[pennyplant]

Hi Miss Piggy,

I don't remember if we have met or not--I've been here since about February.  It's good to hear your story and I'm glad you came back when you felt the need.  I think it will help.  It seems like this place probably helped you before.  Sometimes, even after making progress, there are weak moments.  It's good to try and get a little healing right away when that happens!!!

I like how Plucky has explained the process of re-framing events that have caused hurt.  I try to do this sometimes.  It is easier to do when I'm feeling strong inside myself.  Now at least I can tell when I'm feeling strong.  And that feeling comes along a lot more often than it used to now that my healing has come along so well.  So, be patient with yourself and as kind to yourself as you would be to others.

Are you thinking you need to get rid of some your friends?  It's possible that you can learn some useful things from these particular people in your life right now.  If you are able to re-frame some events and relationships, as Plucky suggested, then perhaps you will still be able to find areas where there are good ways of connecting with some of these people.  Opportunities for growth perhaps and/or learning to establish boundaries.

I'd like to hear some examples if you'd like to talk about them.  I have some similar issues and think I could learn from your experiences.  As far as I know I don't have an N parent but I do have FOO stuff that has had a similar impact.  And I have also "collected" N-type people most of my life, so have that issue in common with you.  So, it would be good to hear what's happening right now, if you want.

Pennyplant