Hey there MP. Nice to see you back.
So you're still drawn to those brother clones. Maybe next time they will accept and validate you. Is that what your secret thoughts are hoping?
If you still cannot believe deep down that others would invest in you, and I mean realistic friend possibilities, I think that means that you are not really accepting your own self as valid. If you think that you are a member of society, then you belong where you are, wherever that is, and just the way you are. No need to be perfect. No need to be what you are not. No need to be beyond criticism. (No one is. Why do you have to be?)
Maybe it would help to look all along your life line, and see what things you are proud of and what things make you really you. What about you would you never give up? (Do not think about what others have valued, this time.) What makes up the Miss Piggy who holds a unique spot in the universe? Who does not have to be like anybody else, but is just right?
If it is one thing, or many, this is the self you need to celebrate. Once you can love that self, decide to be that self, to maintain that self, to embrace that self, to allow that self to live on and be you, you will then be able to believe that others can see value in you as well. Because you have this special thing. A thing that not everyone will like, understand, or appreciate. But some certainly will.
It is one thing to know intellectually that you are not cosmic dudu. It is another to know it in your heart, through and through. You know thiat you are not, to some extent because you have been honest on the board and are loved and accepted and have your own place here.
This also exists in the face to face world. You will have some trial and error seeking friends there, but instead of listening to your internal N talk when something confusing or frightening happens, try to think that the other person is wrong, or just wrong for you, or give the benefit of the doubt.
I have noticed that the happiest people are the ones who are able to interpret things that happen to them in ways that do not hurt them. The rest of us go along hurting ourselves in the aftermath of even the tiniest event for no good reason, usually. I find it useful to look back over events that happened in the past, and are no longer so emotionally fraught, and reinterpret them with the idea that no one was trying to hurt me; I was hurt because I have so many sore spots.
This only works with 'clean' relationships. I am NOT suggesting that you apply this to someone who clearly hurt you, for example in your toxic FFO or anyone else who has been abusive in any way. I only mean, those questionable, casual, limited interactions where later on you think you might have interpreted wrongly. You may never know the real truth about the event. But it will give you some safe practice at interpreting things in a positive way. (As long as you promise not to blame yourself. You are learning. Your sore spots are not your own doing.)
I'm rushing. I hope I'm helpful. If not, I applied the skills I have and did my best to reach out. Welcome back.
Plucky