Living Alone

[WRITE]

I awoke this morning feeling lonely, despite enjoying the solitude more than being miserable with my ex.

How many people here live alone?

Does anyone stay in a situation they don't like because they fear being alone?

It can be quite difficult to adjust to- I'm still building the skills around living a good single life.

I am not isolated, but it is so different than the rest of my life to live alone.

[Stormchild]

I do, write, but not really, because I have animals. In fact, I feel less alone with them than I do among people, much of the time.

I'm not terribly lonely these days though, because I've learned to prize solitude and silence. [I actually need them now, and I notice when I don't get enough.]

Would you consider trying a Quaker retreat, or a silent retreat through another venue? The cool part of doing that is that it would bring you into contact with others, but in a very different way. There are guided meditative retreats with journaling in which periods of silence alernate with discussion and one on one sessions with the retreat leaders... and periods of praise, so you might be able to do some music bartering and get in by way of a trade?

Not sure if there are Catholic Worker houses near you, but they're pretty neat places. They minister to the poor and the imprisoned, and they can always use a helping hand too. Another good place to meet good people. Founded by Dorothy Day, and primarily a layperson's organization.

Just thinking. For the purposes of healing, solitude can be the best friend you have ever had. But it has to be solitude - loneliness is a very different thing. The things I'm suggesting here are basically short trips into 'intentional community', which might help a lot with that.

[Gaining Strength]

I think of myself as living alone though I really live with my 5 year old.  I consider it living alone
because it is a relationship of responsibility of me to him rather than one in which he
provides support and encouragement (though he is a strong incentive to live and grow.)
I think of myself as living alone because I am so very lonely. and   because I am responsible
for him it is difficult for me to get out with others.

GS

[WRITE]

I think of myself as living alone because I am so very lonely

I am sorry GS, message me anytime you want a chat or a friend.

I think what we are lonely for is something we've never had....we just have to hang on to hopefulness that we will make a good life for ourselves even if we never findthe partner we would like.

I guess I am not compromising that any more, even if I'm alone for the rest of my life.

Lonely alone is infinitely preferable to lonely ina  marriage...

I do, write, but not really, because I have animals.

that's a good point Storm- I am mising having my dog. I didn't think of that. She's been my delightful companion at my feet....but I didn't want to bring her to an apartment so she's with son and ex now.

Son is here tonight, I am just cooking dinner, going to go sit with him.

Had to take a timeout he was so hurtful again earlier, sounds so like his dad it's like being socked. He did realise and apologise, but I wonder when the N-ightmare will ever end.

Ex has the upper hand again too- he has to notorise some divorce papers, lets see if he uses it as another way of causing stress and dragging his feet...

I'm not terribly lonely these days though, because I've learned to prize solitude and silence. [I actually need them now, and I notice when I don't get enough.]

I want to be held for a while and just let go and be loved....

I do appreciate solitude and silence too, I am grateful for my lovely life I really am. Just having a bad day.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Storm))))))))))))))))))))

[Gaining Strength]

(((((((((((((((((((((((WRITE)))))))))))))))))))))

Really sorry for your son's anger.  Very thankful for his apology. 
I have your relationship with him in my thoughts and prayers.

Gaining Strength

[gratitude28]

It's funny that we all seem to be going through the "lonlies." Do you think the holidays have something to do with it? We had a Thanksgiving dinner here yesterday and it just kind of made me down...
Heck, it would be hard for me to say I'm lonely as I spend about 2 minutes a day not driving around and talking to people or working or doing something in a social setting... but in the middle of it all, I still feel alone. And I am really confused as to how my husband makes me feel not alone. How is that possible? I adore my kids, yet this weekend, I didn't want to do any of the things that bond us (watching a silly movie, doing a craft, etc.). I was restless, irritable and discontent and that means there is something I need to be doing (going back to my AA meetings? Exercising? Improving myself in some way?)
The holidays are a hard, hard time for me. They were such a cart and pony show and so excessive in some weird way at my parent's house. You had to pretend, pretend... They wrapped presents and we were supposed to drool over them and guess daily what they might be... like in some weird fairy tale. I used to get so crabby during the holidays which fueled their dislike for me...
I guess the point I am trying to make is that in our society, this part of the year is advertised and displayed as a time of love and joy and tender moments. As much as I love my dog and guppies, they ain't providing me with gushy moments right now Tending to Henry's cysts does not cure my lonliness
OK... bad joke here ... Abcess makes the heart grow fonder (ha ha) Sorry, that was awful...
OK, I've rambled enough.
Love you all. Remember "This too shal pass" and happier days are for sure on the horizon.
Love, Beth

[Brigid]

Write,
Since my daughter left for school in August, I have lived alone for the first time in 25 years.  Since she left, my b/f has been staying here one night during the week and on the weekends, but I still feel like I live alone.  I do have the 5 pets, but when you're used to kids and their friends, the house seems so much more quiet and empty.  The kids will both be home on Wednesday for the first time since August.  I am really looking forward to it.

It has gotten easier to deal with the empty nest as I get used to it, but I can't say that I like it or would like it to stay this way.  Maybe after having them around for a few days this coming weekend, or much longer for the Christmas break, I will feel differently and start craving my solitude, but for now I welcome some noise and activity.

Is your son not spending any nights with you?  I hope you can work that out as part of the divorce settlement so your ex is not the only one influencing his growth and development.  Does he have a bedroom at your place?  Maybe you could get a kitten or guinea pig as a pet for you and an incentive for him to spend more time with you.  Kitties make wonderful apartment pets. 

I hope you are beginning to imagine how you will develop a separate life without your ex.  That will be very important for you as you move forward with the divorce. 

((((((((write)))))))))

Brigid

[2bbetter]

Hi

But which is more ALONE....

being without someone else physically around,
or having someone around all the time physically while they are either

1) telling you lies at every attempt at interaction
2) or avoiding & diverting topics
3) or saying "I don't know" (see 1...)
4) or saying "I can't ..."

The lonliest time of my life was not when I was physically alone, I had lots of friends and HOPE, CHANCES and OPPORTUNITIES to meet people I could and would interect sincerely and enjoyably with, i.e. I could have fun with people and they did too

I also had the opportunity to meet someone where we both had more than that of the previous line, which is where a relationship has a chance to be born if we wanted.

No, my lonliest time was when that opportunity was abused by deceitfully perverting everything to meet their sick N agenda.

Nothing is lonlier than waking up next to an abuser day after day.

So cheer up, or stay sad, but being alone has many guises, with some peolpe insisting on living that way with someone around 24x7, and others seeking not to be alone whether they physically are or not

[Hopalong]

Yes, holidays are so hard sometimes.
They call up all the contrast between our dreams and our actual lives.

I am helped a lot by heading off to a potluck Thursday. I no longer expect or want to put on a domestic family holiday.

Much love to all lonelyhearts...and thank you for the wise reminder, 2bb...

Hops

[nickyinstant]

tried 3 or 4 times to post my very deep meaningful contributions here!!!! Big on this subject the noo!

never worked, never mind

The thought was there

lots of love. 

[Stormchild]

Tending to Henry's cysts does not cure my lonliness
OK... bad joke here ... Abcess makes the heart grow fonder (ha ha) Sorry, that was awful...

Owoooooooooooooo!!!!

((((((((((everybody))))))))))

[WRITE]

Heck, it would be hard for me to say I'm lonely as I spend about 2 minutes a day not driving around and talking to people or working or doing something in a social setting... but in the middle of it all, I still feel alone.

I wonder if it's a 'role' thing?

Whilst I was still seeing a lot of ex and involved with el crusho I didn't feel it, like you I am really busy and pretty fulfilled in other areas.

Maybe we're just not used to it yet....it is a specific set of skills I think, I was trying to break it down:

decision making
motivation
taking care of yourself: eating/ sleeping especially I find!
enjoying activities alone
financial management
meeting needs for sex/affection/companionship
avoiding isolation

There are a couple more?

Do you think the holidays have something to do with it?

well they do trigger a lot of negative thoughts- images of people canoodling and happy families, pressure to spend time with your own annoying family, memories of previous years' aforementioned...

I do have the 5 pets, but when you're used to kids and their friends, the house seems so much more quiet and empty.  

I know, it's hard not to miss all the noise and chaos.

Though I admit-I am hating it tonight with son here the fact the tv is blaring with programmes I don't want to watch! And it's very cramped here and he keeps knocking things over. I guess I am in a bad mood, this kind of thing just usually vaguely irritates me, tonight it's making me tearful. My nerves are jarred with his tantrum earlier.

We used to be so in tune, it seems like he's so like his father now, no wonder he's happier living there, he thinks I'm picking at him for everything....

So cheer up, or stay sad

I think it is a matter of grieving too 2bbetter. I will be better when the divorce is over. I hate the whole process, the paperwork, the emotions it generates, my ex dragging his feet.

love to all lonelyhearts

sometimes I can't believe I have been such an idiot with my life, all the lovely guys I have met, one guy who was my close friend for years, his mother told me he never married until I had my son and he knew we'd never get together! and such a devoted husband and father now.

What on earth was I thinking?! or not thinking....maybe I really am crazy.

Hi nickyinstant and storm, maybe we should start a lonelyhearts club? it would have to be bad-tempered lonely hearts for me tonight!

[nickyinstant]

what I was TRYING several times to say this morning at 3am and kept deleting WAS....
We are all used to giving such a lot, because we had to work so hard to try and make things work - conditioned to give a lot, its especially hard to stop doing that .  Got more to give than the average bear perhaps. 

I know all about the crush stuff.  Thrown myself at not one(he was def an N which I thankfully sussed out in 2weeks and ran), but two!!  Glad I got an easy escape - number 2 moved away and though he was happy to kiss me, cant phone or text or email me.  I think about him every day, but I clearly meant nothing. Through both of these experiences, my ex looked almost appealing - a safe haven almost!!!  At least I knew what to expect!  Scary but true.

Being alone is what I need right now, til I can get me sorted out and with SOME degree of self worth.  But its a lonely place to be, when giving and sharing is all you've known.

[WRITE]

We are all used to giving such a lot, because we had to work so hard to try and make things work - conditioned to give a lot, its especially hard to stop doing that .  Got more to give than the average bear perhaps. 

yes, not used to walking away from misery, that's for sure.

My therapist said a word about men I have been involved with which made my blood run cold: sadistic.

It's made me think the past few days about all the guys who I've known who aren't sadistic and how I carefully didn't get romantically entangled with them...and how I only seem to end up pining for the cold unresponsive person.

Clearly replaying something on a very basic level.

my ex looked almost appealing - a safe haven almost!!! 

my ex is appealing. He's great, right up to that point where I look into his eyes and realise there's no emotion except a vague anger for me. And there never will be- even if he has changed his pattern of relating to me can't change, it's too ingraned.

Being alone is what I need right now, til I can get me sorted out and with SOME degree of self worth.  But its a lonely place to be, when giving and sharing is all you've known.

you have loads to give nickyinstant, hang in there and as you say keep working on yourself.

I've set a few things up this week for after the holidays which will involve putting myself in settings of meeting single people, I really want to explore how it feels to be around people and pay attention to the dynamics which develop, then go back to the therapist with them.

I guess I am learning a couple of things right now:
I can survive despite some unpleasant feelings like loneliness;
and I can let go and walk away when something isn't working out.

I want to stop replaying this 'I have to make it work' scenario which gets triggered whenever I make a connection.

And I want to get myself balanced on the same time-scale as others too, there's still an element of the manic going on in terms of for me a couple of weeks is agonisingly long, whereas for other people it's normal if you're backing off for this to be a longer period.

I am still feeling 'abandonment' even when people are not abandoning me because of this.

I need to be more occupied and distracted maybe, channel the energy. If I can use it for writing I'll be completing one of my goals...

though he was happy to kiss me, cant phone or text or email me. 

I don't think the sexual revolution has done much for us nickyinstant in helping create healthy relationships- we mess with ourselves emotionally when we kiss or have sex outside of a relationship I guess.

Especially me with all this bipolar intensity stuff going on- I am realising that it's definitely not ok for me to kiss someone who doesn't care about me for example.

I think I am going to have a goal of dating a lot and making myself meet a lot of different guys and guaging my reactions to them...even typing that I know it won't be as satisfying as pickign someone with issues like el crusho and starting to replay the tape and possibly get it right this time!

Soemthing is going clunk clink inmy relationship-defunct brain, beginning to understand fully what I am doing here....

[gratitude28]

Oh no, write. You are showing your Britishness again... whilst... canoodling... programmes... time to brush up on my foreign language classes...

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