Dear Phoenix,
(I love your name!!) I haven't been through half of what you have been through and have felt that same sense of abandonment, panic, unbalance. I'll apologize upfront for the fragmented response here as I had many thoughts while reading your post:
1. It's not enough to state events...YES! Other people will not understand the context and subtleties of the interchanges that harm us. Also, therapeutically speaking, it has been suggested (proven?) that if one writes about events and connects how they FELT about those events (as in a journal) it is quite healing. I think that is one reason this board is so helpful. If there are other events you do not want to share on the board, but you need to deal with, try sharing it in a private journal. One can slay those dragons with a pen.
2. The precipice. When I remember my darkest days, this is the image I think of. I was teetering on the edge, thinking about going down, down, down. I am glad to read you have loving friends to pull you back from the edge by the seat of your pants. I have a loving husband and others who did the same for me. I'm very glad you have a Team Phoenix to pull you through.
Another image I think of that helps me (okay, now I'm really "out there")is a cracking egg but with light shining through. Yes, perhaps I'm cracked, but it's a little new life struggling to get out. I heard somewhere that when we are faced with these incredible challenges, big or small, it is a "message from the Light" and it's how we choose to answer those messages that makes all the difference. You've been given quite a number of "messages" and perhaps the Universe is trying to get your attention!
Perhaps you are being prepared for and destined for a life much different than what you had envisioned before all this happened. Well, sometimes I can be too philosophical and you might think this is all BS and you just want to be able to pay the bills! I understand.
3. Back to Planet Earth here: Along with Simon, I also read your post and was concerned about your legal rights. 47 and he's questioning your decisions? You should consider finding a legal advocate who specializes in estate planning. At the very least, you should request a copy of the will or instructions your father is being held to or holding you to so that you know in advance what requests are "valid" and which are not. Health, education, and welfare are certainly valid (okay, a desire for a pony isn't,
). If he and his attorney refuse to give you a copy, this would set off my alarm bells Big Time. Is his attorney an estate planning attorney or a litigator (it makes a difference). Anyway, I am not offering legal advice, I am not a lawyer, but this is what I would look into. Get someone who knows the rules of the inheritance game. It sounds like money is a real issue and your welfare is at the heart of the matter. Perhaps there is a Legal Aid service in your community that would be a good starting point.
4. If you do lose your access to the Internet, turn to your local library! Many libraries now have access and perhaps this can fill the gap while you pull your resources together...just a thought.
Good luck to you, Phoenix. Perhaps we'll learn to fly after all...S.
