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Up a Creek-No paddle!

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Carrie Anne:
I must first say how grateful I am to have found this site.  It has helped me immeasurably to know that my mother's "condition" has a name and I'm not just going crazy.
The situation with her grows more insane with each passing day.  She is a recent widow and has been thrown into a world where she is no longer catered to by anyone since my father died.  Looking back, I feel that she has groomed me my entire life to be the helpful, dutiful daughter...especially when she became old.  That time is here but I have been burned out on her for many years so she is having a hard time keeping me involved in the constant drama of her life.  A huge problem is that I live down the street from her which makes her feel completely entitled to call me for every little trauma, real or imagined. I want to move away with my husband but the problem is I have a daughter who is in college on schlorship and doesn't want to move with us and doesn't want a roomate.  It would mean leaving her here alone(she's 19) and moving 4 states away which breaks my heart.   If I don't, my husband will have to leave alone for his job and I will be stuck in hell with my Nmom.  It's such a quandary.  I love my daughter so much but to stay with her will be the end of me, I'm afraid.  There is no talking with my mother.  She's crazy and would call me constantly to do everything for her when she realizes my husband isn't here to "protect" me.  I have no problem telling her no but she is relentless and continues to test me, almost on a daily basis.  I have worked hard to try and strike a balance, picking and choosing the things I will do for her and keeping them to a minimum but she wears me out with the never ending needs and requests.  There is the issue of inheritence which she has dangled over my head for years.  She has 2 other children who have to deal with her minimally because they don't live nearby.

Does anybody have any advice?
Thanks,
Carrie

Question for you:
What is the relationship between your daughter and your mother like? Would your mother look to your daughter for N supply and would your daughter take no notice?

CarrieAnne:
HI QFY

I have been the biggest recipient of my mom's narcissism and have always kept my daughter buffered from Nmom.  Only recently has my mom resorted to calling her and trying to get her involved with some of her problems as well.  I suppose mom is starting to look at my daughter as an adult and not so much a child anymore.  Hence, she may be trying to set her up for Nsupply.  That's no surprise as she is now trying to do it with outsiders....ANYONE, who will give her attention and "help". My daughter is not as close to her as she was when she was small because she has seen the havoc my mom has wreaked on my life so she wisely keeps her distance.  My mother is persistent though and it does worry me how much my daughter may be "hassled".

carrie

QFY:
I re-read your post and wondered exactly what advice you want. Let's try and clarify! You said:


--- Quote ---I want to move away with my husband
--- End quote ---


Have you made that decision? If so, then the rest is all about what other people are going to do. In the circumstances, you are making the choice for yourself (and your husband) which is perfectly reasonable. Your daughter is an adult and needs to make her own choices too. IF you have made that decision, then now's the time to discuss the impact of that decision on others, particularly your daughter. Mother comes last this time. In her case, if you do practical things for her, can you soften the blow by setting up alternative arrangements? (e.g. help with shopping whatever?). It's your life, not hers. Does this help?

Anonymous:
Is your husband moving 4 states away no matter what????

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