Starting Point?

[Free]

Hi I am new and looking for advice.  This paragraph really describes me well. 

"Because in the subtext of the parent-child relationship, these questions were never adequately answered.  Or if they were answered, the message was:  you don’t exist for me, you have always been a burden, or you exist for limited reasons having to do with my own psychological needs.  Lacking satisfactory answers, the person can spend their whole life erecting props—ways they can validate their very existence.  They do this through relationships, career success, self-aggrandizement, obsessive or controlling behavior, drug or alcohol use, or other ways (I will talk about all of these in later articles).   Loss or trauma causes the props to fall, and instead of tumbling to a sturdy stone foundation (“I had a bad time or bad luck, but I’m basically O.K.”), people slide into a vortex of terror, shame, and worthlessness."

I am 19 so therapy sessions would be tricky...

Anywho I am looking for ways to correct this.  Any Ideas on where to start?  Am I in the right place?

[Hopalong]

Welcome, Free:
I'm so sorry your parenting was missing so much that you needed.
For what comfort it's worth...that's probably because they were children who weren't parented well either.

The good news is you're conscious NOW. Awesome! There are plenty of 19 y/os who won't begin to heal from things they need to address for a decade or longer...you're getting a great start by just opening your mind to the fact that you're searching, wounded, and want some help.

Bravo.

A place to start: Go to the What Helps? section of this forum and help yourself to a stream of helpful threads, links, and book recommendations. Your library is your friend.

I once advised my daughter when neither of us could afford therapy for her...to consider herself a wounded adult child, and to try out some 12-step group such as Alanon or Adult Children of Alcoholics. Even if neither of your parents was addicted to anything, there is a lot of comfort and wisdom for integrating and parenting yourself into balance in those settings. Just ask if they have "open meetings" and go to one of those.

Another thought is a community mental health center where they offer support groups. Usually these are on a sliding scale and if you're totally broke as many are at your age, they'll accept your $5, for example. Don't abandon the thought that you can find a wise ally and mentor in tackling this kind of learning. It's painful sometimes but there are moments of joy, and like your name, freedom along the way that keep you motivated.

Another thought: Spiritual or religious community can be very healing, in a good-parent way. If you were raised in a tradition that holds meaning for you, reclaiming it as an independent young adult can be very satisfying. If you have no place to start, you could commit to going to half a dozen very different congregations, and see if you can hear a hopeful sound within, even in silence. Beyond the centering experience of worship, there is also community. A positive one can be a nurturing family. Watch out for aggression there, as anywhere. Smiles are a good thing to check, notice whether in most folks they reach the eyes. That's where real love shows, not teeth.

Glad you're here.

Hopalong

[Free]

Thank you both, you made my day. 

While I think therapy would perhaps be a good idea, I think it would be disrespectful to tell my parents that I have to go to some group sessions to fix poor parenting.  Also I don't know if colleges offer such programs (I will be back at school in a few months)...

As for the rest of my story, I am gifted.  I am the oldest of three and am very athletic... I spent most of my childhood at practice, multiple practices or private lessons.  I guess all that payed off and I am now a Division 1 athlete.  4 years ago I struggled with women, since then I have learned all sorts of seduction and such to I guess make women like me.  It worked but I realized something was different about me... My friends didn't react the same way I did with rejection.  I needed a girl of sorts all the time or else I would get tons of anxiety.  I learned how to be a leader so men would respect and look up to me.  While I don't have any addictions I do have an addictive personality for sure.  So I looked on line as to why I feel this way and here I am.

I am very lucky, I have alot going for me.  I know my parents love me but at the same time my subconscious doesn't feel it...  I basically get it.  I'm not blaming anyone I just want to get over this so I can finally have peace of mind.

Additional advice comments flames welcomed...

Sidebar: I'm looking for help in forms of online or book form

Cheers,
Free

[reallyME]

Free,

I applaud your courage in admitting to this message board of people what you have been through and where your life is at currently.

I agree with HOPS advice 100%

HOPS:

I once advised my daughter when neither of us could afford therapy for her...to consider herself a wounded adult child, and to try out some 12-step group such as Alanon or Adult Children of Alcoholics.

I counsel people who grew up in situations such as you have described, using a book called "The Language of Letting Go." Melody Beattie is the author of this and other wonderful and helpful books.  Dr Phil is also an excellent source of information in book form or even via his website and tv show.

Blessya as you seek to reclaim yourself.

~Laura

[Certain Hope]

Welcome, Free,

  Just wanted to say that I admire your awareness of the potential for trouble if these issues aren't properly addressed. You don't seem to be looking at all to cast blame, only to sort this out, and I think that shows alot of both grace and courage on your part.

  Right off hand, I can't think of any specific reading material to recommend, but it does seem to me that what you're seeking is an identity of your own, apart from parental expectations, and that is certainly a very natural, healthy thing. I have a 19 year old daughter who is in a similar process at this time, and for her, attachment to her significant other seems to have replaced previous parental attachments. In other words, sometimes we move from the frying pan into the fire when stretching our wings to be who we are and not someone else's idea of who we should be. At that age, I did the same thing, and I now wish I had devoted my attention to what and who God says I am, instead of trying to create some new identity of my own. Woulda saved myself alot of anguish.

   Free, I don't think it would be disrespectful at all to engage in a group therapeutic situation. I'm thinking that you're living at home and are concerned about what you'd tell your parents you're doing? Well, you could choose to look at it as preventative therapy, rather than remedial work... and present it as such. It's amazing what a little change of perspective can do for attitudes and responses both. I hope you'll share some more of what you're experiencing as you're able. Many times I think that simply via talking these things out in a safe environment, we are apt to hear just exactly what we need, if we can sift through it all and let the golden seeds take root.

Best wishes,
Hope

[Brigid]

Welcome Free,

Also I don't know if colleges offer such programs (I will be back at school in a few months)...

I can't speak for all campuses, but I would say that most do offer counseling services as part of your tuition expenses.  I have a son who is a couple of years older than you are.  When his dad left us suddenly 3 years ago (right after he started his freshman year), he found himself in a situation which necessitated attending some counseling sessions at his health services.  If you are attending a larger university (you must be if you are playing D-1 sports), they have support groups in place for specific kinds of issues.  I would strongly recommend that you consider exploring that when you get to school.

Your parents don't need to know why you are attending therapy.  Obviously, if they are paying for it, they would need to know you are going, but the therapist works for you and would never share anything you said with your parents.  I know that if either of my children said they felt they needed to talk to a therapist, but were unwilling to discuss the details, I would make the appointment and encourage their attendance.  I know from personal experience that therapy was the only remedy which worked for me.

I am amazed by your maturity and insight at such a young age.  You are no doubt gifted in many ways.  All the best on your journey to finding a more healthy perspective.

Brigid

[penelope]

hi Free,

You are a good person, even when you don't "perform."  You aren't special because you're gifted or a star athlete or any other reason that you may have been told.  I think you know this in your heart and that is why you're struggling?  You are valuable and a gift simply because you were created by a higher being...God.

If you'd like to read some books that explain this theory, here's a few I found helpful:

Toxic Parents - Susan Forward

The Road Less Traveled - M. Scott Peck

hugs Free,

What's your major?  If you haven't picked one yet, are there classes you're finding especially interesting?

pb

[Hops]

PS, Free:

You don't have to blame your parents for how you feel. Sounds as though they love you and did their best. You may find that a lot of your own issues do relate to your memories and things about their parenting, but if they were decent, non-abusive people, that's who they are.

Sounds as though you may be having a crisis of meaning about your own motivations and drives.

What you said about women reminds me of a very attractive young man I saw on a dippy reality-TV show about models. He was going through the female models like crumpets, and kept saying, I don't know why I do this, but they're all so hot, and I just do this, I just have to have one...and then another one...

He was grinning but didn't really look HAPPY. I kept thinking, poor guy. He's not going to learn what love is as long as women are cupcakes.

If that's your issue, or in some way resembles it, you could do some reading...maybe one place would be The Awakening, by Kate Chopin. A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf.

And maybe seek out a smart girl (you'll need a smart one) who's a WARMIE (not a hottie).
You might find a wonderful friendship, and that's always the best place to start.

Hooking up is easy (especially for athletes), but it might be eating at you on some level.

Hopalong

[Free]

I did all sorts of research today and came to the conclusion that I will go to a therapist in 3 weeks when school starts.  At said meetings therapists more or less break down my fake self and hold my hand to help me build my "true self."

I am not going to go to a group session bc I would judge everyone, I have superiority complex an I don't think I would listen.

In the mean time I'm going to get some of the books mentioned, and look for a way to build my true self, to figure out my real desires and drives... this may take awhile. 

Hops,  I think you're spot on about the girl thing.  I dated a "Warmie" in highschool for a year and I was fine, I felt loved and all was good.  I was really good to her too, from what I can tell.  When we broke up I was a mess for a few weeks, which I just read is pretty standard.  Anywho since then I went pretty wild with girls, your right its easy.  Then I wasn't satisfied so I went for another relationship and summer ended that... so now I am a worry wart and here I am.  I want to get this true self up to par before I mess around with girls again.

Again thanks for the sympathy and such.  Now I'm looking for techniques to build the "true self" in said books.  Is anyone here a somewhat recovered N?  If so what techniques helped them?

baby steps laddies and gentlemen,
Free

[Hopalong]

Good going, Free:
Some people go both for one-on-one counseling AND to a group session once a week. What I remember from groups, especially experienced groups (not so much the ones with student leaders) is that they will call you on it if you're feeling superior. So...just to park in your brainfile: a group can sometimes be a better place to work on breaking down narcissistic tendencies and building up an authentic self.

A superiority complex is an inferiority complex insde out. Anyway...read a lot on this stuff. You'll never regret it. And go deep. Your life and psyche and future family deserves more than a cursory glance, here, so, make it your minor?  More than a passing semester's interest...

Book for you, another short read. One of those brain-changing ones: Man's Search for Meaning, by Victor Frankl. Your library will have it.

Keep us posted, it would be great to support you as you grow.

Hops