Silly N Tricks

[gratitude28]

Hi All,
I gave this a humorous name, but I can assure you my summer o' fun with my mother was anything but. I don't want to bore you all to death, so I will give you a few snippets at a time and let you add some of your own delightful anecdotes. I figure the purpose in all this is to justify that I am not insane and that I truly DID have a shitty upbringing. I have realized lately that people see me so differently than I am... it is so weird. My husband's family is from a tiny town in Mexico, and they see me as this rich white person. It's so weird. I see myself as the pathetic girl who dressed weird in school...

OK... enjoy...

Day 1: Parents pick us up at the airport. Mother looks at me like I am some sort of alien. We have stunted (is that a word?) conversation all the way to their house. The entire way home, they bitch about how other people are driving, how much it sucks living in their state, and pretty much spew vitriole. My mother says the kids "look good." Huh, like you care with a 6 and 8 year old?????

Day 2: Mother comes out in the morning hobbling on a cane (she is a very young looking 62) and wincing and whining that her back is killing her. Dad is at work. I calmly say, OK, call your doc, get dressed and I will drive you to the doctors. She calls around a bit, decides it isn't that bad m(meanwhile "forgetting" here and there that she is supposed to be in excruciating pain). She decides she is well enough to go to lunch with my sister and the kids and me. When it turns out that my sister and I are getting along, she has sudden pain in the middle of the lunch and "is so sorry, but just has to go home right away." We say, OK, take her home and go ahead and do what we want.

Meanwhile... my sister has just become a DR. For many years now, my mother has done all she can to make sure we don't get along... but my sis and I had a talk and have healed so much now. Well, back to the Dr. thing... Anything I ever tell my parents, as I've told you all before, they have always laughed at or said it was wrong or pointless or they didn't like it. Now that my sister is a doctor, especially, they pander to her and talk to her like she is Einstein, even though they have been in the medical field for 40 plus years and know more than she does (which, of course she realizes, being a brand-new doc). They listen to her about everything. The sun rises and sets on her. It is ridiculous in a way. I have never heard such groveling. It is so bizarre.

OK. I'll leave you with these fun stories and add some more after you guys get to add some.
Glad to be back... in so many ways!!!
Love, Beth

[ANewSheriff]

Beth,

Your humor is a good thing and I did find myself giggling at your stories.  Isn't it is amazing how just one person who shows up with the determination not to engage can change the whole dynamic of a group?  You did it!  I am glad for you.

I have learned, like you, that I cannot change the behaviors or thinking of others, but I certainly do not have to take their bait, either.  At the same time, my way is not the only way.  I am quite sure that if I lined up all the people in the world who were waiting for me to change I would set some kind of record for the world's longest human chain.

I suppose we all wonder how other people see us.  My intentions and my actions do not always line up terribly straight.  I think you are right about different individuals or even groups having differing views of us.  Sometimes I have looked at my life and thought I was like a chameleon - changing to whatever the perceived expectations were at the time.  I think that this past year has really freed me from that.  I feel more "me" than ever.   

ANewSheriff

ANS

[Bones]

"Day 2: Mother comes out in the morning hobbling on a cane (she is a very young looking 62) and wincing and whining that her back is killing her. Dad is at work. I calmly say, OK, call your doc, get dressed and I will drive you to the doctors. She calls around a bit, decides it isn't that bad m(meanwhile "forgetting" here and there that she is supposed to be in excruciating pain). She decides she is well enough to go to lunch with my sister and the kids and me. When it turns out that my sister and I are getting along, she has sudden pain in the middle of the lunch and "is so sorry, but just has to go home right away." We say, OK, take her home and go ahead and do what we want. "

Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     I bet that put Nmother in shock!

Bones

[gratitude28]

Yes, it did take the wind out of her sails.
You know what made me saddest. There was one day when she was just plain nice. We had a nice few hours together and I felt like it was what could have been...
It was followed by a "building up"... Anyone know what I mean. Have you ever noticed a calm period before the storm??????

[jordanspeeps]

Hi Beth,

I'm not sure if we've met.  It's great to meet you.  I was just reading your post and had to respond to this "building up" you mention.  I thought it was just me that noticed that.  I've observed that after a "good day" with my mom, one of those days you mentioned that remind you of what "could have been" I go home feeling almost a little "on edge," because I perceive that uncomfortable silence towards the end of the visit.  It's eerie and generally unexplainable, until of course, the storm hits.  And then you think, "Well, gosh, we were just communicating in a decent manner, what happened" The sneak attack generally follows a good time. Over time, you begin to associate three major things, 1.) she can behave when she wants to and 2.) she really abhors a good time being had by all, even when she pretends to have enjoyed it and 3.) with the N, no good deed (or day) goes unpunished.

Best to you, Beth

Tiffany

[portia guest]

Hi Beth
this jumped out at me:

Mother looks at me like I am some sort of alien

how did that feel?

Mine generally doesn't recognise me, literally, and then when she does (or is prompted), looks shocked, as though I don't look how I'm 'supposed' to. Or something. Who knows! I guess she has some image of me in her head and I don't think I meet that image. Sad. On the other hand, sometimes I look at her and think: who is this person, what has she to do with me?

[gratitude28]

Very interesting point, Portia. I think you are right. She has some idea of me and when I don't fit in with it, it takes her a while to mesh the idea with the actuality. That makes a lot of sense. It's funny, there is no one else in my life who looks at me that way, and yet I am always afraid someone will.
I had a wonderful time with my mother in law. She actually has no relationship with her mother, either. It was so amazing to be able to realize all of this and talk to people about it and feel sane and see the insanity OUTSIDE OF ME!!!!
Again, in large part, it was because of all of you that I was able to do so, and I thank you so much.
Tiffany, it is nice to meet you too. I am trying to catch up on everyone's lives and posts right now. I hope to add soem more comments today. I am a single mom for another 6 months and working, so busy busy!!
Love, Beth

[adrift]

Yes, it did take the wind out of her sails.
You know what made me saddest. There was one day when she was just plain nice. We had a nice few hours together and I felt like it was what could have been...
It was followed by a "building up"... Anyone know what I mean. Have you ever noticed a calm period before the storm??????

With my mom, it was a sure bet that if she was calm/content/happy---something was gonna let loose soon.  I've seen her go from laughing to totally pissed off in 1 second, and the sad thing is that I knew her better than she knew herself.  I always knew what was coming but she never had a clue.  And I didn't even have to be involved in the situation, so it wasn't a response to me.  I remember once, she and dad drove up to our place with these really silly fake glasses on.  It was Mom's idea, she had bought them somewhere.  She was giggling about them when I got to the truck and Dad was kinda smiling and I think (trying to remember) I reacted appropriately, which means in the manner she would have wanted.  I reacted with a little shock and then a little laugh/smile, I learned long ago to never let my guard down around her and really be myself.  If someone else I knew had done such a thing I probably would have busted out laughing, but with Mom you had to keep your feelings in check because no matter what emotion was going on with her, it was gonna change in a hurry.  ANyway, I think she was pleased with my reaction and she was laughing and ALL OF A SUDDEN (and I knew it was coming) she got really, really mad at my dad over nothing (I can't remember now what it was, but I remember it was a "nothing") and that was that.   Now that I know my mom's past, I think she just had such a horrible life for so many years, that she didn't know how to be happy, how to let herself enjoy life.  After she died, I found those glasses tucked away in a drawer and I remembered that day when she wore them.  It's sad that she couldn't enjoy life.

Adrift

[gratitude28]

You put it all in perspective adrift... it is a lot sadder to be them, I think, even than it is to be us. We have hope and a desire to be better. They spend their lives miserable and unable to find what would make them happy. Sad, pitiful, disgusting and annoying... all at the same time.
Thanks for the poignant story. And I totally relate to never being able to relax around the N... it's true. I remember thinking this time with my mother that it was a nice few minutes with her, but it would pass. The sad thing is that she seemed content for a bit too. I notice that sometimes when she "likes" me.

[Hopalong]

Thank you for this story, Adrift. I feel such pain for your dad.

One thing I feel so grateful for is to live in an age where there IS knowledge, there is the miracle of wisdom and gifts such as Dr. Grossman's...and all of ours, helping each other. Our parents' truly did not have this help.

Beth, I'm glad you're back and feeling so sound, not sure I told you yet.
I was thinking maybe the little escapes of your NMa's liking, when you catch a glimpse, is her little piece of wholeness resonating to the greater wholeness in you. Even an N has a buried child. But you are so wise to avoid the ricochets...

Hops

[gratitude28]

You know, hops, the child in my mom is nice. Sometimes it comes out and she is silly and happy for a bit. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to analyze the hell out of everything.
Love, Beth