more N traits (for newbies or anyone in need of an N primer)

[jordanspeeps]

I know that to have a verbal conversation with her is useless because she shuts down....says something like, "You'd love it if I were dead!!"

Really, kelly, that's awful.  Were these greivances you listed to her personal ones or business related ones?  Do you think she read or considered them or do you think she just decided, "I'm not going to entertain that." and merely pretented it never even happened?  I've avoided an out an out verbal confrontation with my mother because I worry I will do the ultimate in disrespect and rip her a new one!  I fear crossing the line and leaving so much Nistic injury in her wake, she'd have to turn her CPAP machine up to 14 or 15, (whatever that means) from the stress.  I've written a couple of unsent 20 single spaced paged lifelong grievance letters that I mostly read to remind myself of what she's capable of when she's presently being all sugar and spice. (aka, attempting the set-up) She regresses to toddlerhood whenever I get anywhere close to exposing her true feelings about certain things she's trying to disguise and she knows that I know many of her evil secrets, whether she told me or not. So I just bite my tongue and realize she's beyond help whenever she says things like, "Nobody cares about me!!!... or What is your side of the story because I'm sure you just misunderstood me!"  If she were to say, "You'd love it if I were dead!!" I'd snap.    
Kelly, I'm glad you've found a way to work around your mom and keep things running okay.  There's a lot to be said for that!

Take care, kelly
Tiffany
 

[Certain Hope]

Kelly and Tiffany....

   I used to write pages and pages to ex-N... not even so much to get my gripes down on paper as to just be able to finish a sentence before he'd twist it around and point the blame back at me. He actually responded, in writing, to a couple of these, but I think I burned them up along with some other useless rubbish a couple years ago. It was so sad. I'd pour out my heart, telling him how much I loved him and wanted us to be able to work through "our" problems. I was always careful to take what I thought was my share of responsibility for the stuff that would come between us. Shoot, I didn't need to be careful to do that... by that time, he had me convinced that everything was my fault. Something in me just wouldn't accept that, though. Thankfully. And although I didn't get any real satisfaction out of all my effort and time at communicating in written form, I did learn alot through his written responses. Because of the opportunity to read at leisure the epic works of N instead of listening to his voice droning on interminably through the wee hours of the morning, I was able to see in black and white his particular brand of shifting and twisting. It was unmistakeable. No matter how much I pledged my love and commitment, he always always found a way to turn it back on me... talking about his needs and how my failures were responsible for his being unable to satisfy me and how he would do anything in the world to "help" me if only I would stop demanding perfection. Perfection? All I wanted was human. Impossible.
Anyhow... in my situation, writing helped alot. It got some of my own thoughts out into the open where they didn't so easily tangle. Reading what he wrote in response was the real clincher, though.

Much love to you both,
Hope

[Overcomer]

Well, usually the written reply went something like this, "Kelly, when you insult me by saying I am threatened by the bookkeeper.............there is no threat, I own the store.......and I cannot believe how you try to elevate her to level that does not belong to her........................oh, and by the way, you are a talented, smart, beautiful, articulate young woman and I love and cherish you.  Love Your Mom"

It is always a defense of what I point out to her.  Mostly business.  But I also talk about her not sticking up for me when I was wronged as a teen.  Or the fact that what I say goes in one ear and out the other and when I tell her an idea, she counters it with a much better idea.  A lifelong example of someone who undermines and invalidates ME....the way I dress, the way I speak, the way write, the way I parent, etc.

But if I ice the cake with some words like value you, and cherish you, well, maybe that will appease me for awhile.

Doesn't.  Too much water under the bridge.