Author Topic: An Abuser's Tricks  (Read 2398 times)

Certain Hope

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An Abuser's Tricks
« on: August 09, 2006, 11:39:21 AM »
Hi,

For the most part, the people who have brought the most havoc into my life have not been obvious abusers...  at least, not at first. Each one began to show his true colors only at the point where my own personal interests diverged from his or hers. I've never been physically beaten, deprived of food and shelter, or literally locked into a room from which there was no escape. But I've been locked in, alright, by the controlling manipulation of people who had everyone in the vicinity convinced that they were kind, genuine human beings. For the most part, my abusers have been people who outwardly seemed to be caring, empathetic individuals who were genuinely concerned with the welfare of others. They are fakes.

Abusers can be masters of disguise and covert operations. The abuser hones his skills to expert precision, lest people see through his mask to the ruthless ambition and envy beneath. Above all, the abuser seeks to keep that mask firmly in place, so as not to lose the support of those who've been fooled by his outer facade of smoothness and apparent reasonableness.

I found this list of characteristics which so perfectly describes my abusers and I'm sharing it here because, to me, awareness of the techniques used by these chameleons is our best defensive weapon. None of this is anything new, but sometimes I think it's easy to lose sight of the fact that not all those who abuse others are outwardly aggressive and obvious. I hope this will help others as it has me to keep open eyes and ears open for danger signs in others to whom we might feel drawn.
 
1. Charming in public  ~ exuding warmth and charm, an abuser smiles and tells jokes, praises and flatters you, outwardly supports you
with a show of approval and reassurance, makes you feel valuable and appears to be  attentive to your needs

2. Rumor-monger in private  ~ criticizing you behind your back, he may suggest that you have personal or emotional problems, carefully building a case against you via calculated misinformation passed on to others behind the scenes. He manipulates others into criticizing you and then rewards them for their participation in his plot to undermine your image in every way.

3. Two-faced  ~  He pretends to support you while planning to destroy you; then when you challenge him, he suddenly transforms from supportive to bullying. His soft-spoken manner hides his destructive intentions, his flattering words hide his desire to control you, and  his seemingly warm personality hides his take-no-prisoners attitude.
 
4. Distorts truth and reality ~ He misleads people by omitting key facts. He's extremely concerned to preserve an appearance of integrity, all the while withholding significant information. He misleads people by omitting key facts, he quotes hearsay as important and authoritative, then  justifies his opinion by falsely claiming others think the same way. Master of the half-truth, he misstates and belittles your viewpoint, asks questions that demean you, then interrupts before you can fully respond, he changes the subject before you can correct his misstatements, then he adds new false accusations faster than you can respond to old ones.

5. Hypocritical ~ His spoken philosophy and behavior don't match, his words creating a positive image which does not match his actions. He describes his mistakes as minor, but your mistakes as serious, or ignores his own mistakes while always highliting yours. 
- He calmly demeans you, but is angry because you don't respect him. Not respecting him = pointing out the inconguities and inconsistencies between who he claims to be and what he actually does and says.
 
6. Evasive ~ He acts confused by any complaint about his behavior and always shifts the focus to others. He acts like he is the one who is being victimized. He tries to make you feel guilty for hurting him, accusing you of behavior that was far worse than his and asserting that you are the cause of his bad behavior (if he ever does admit to behaving badly).
 
7. Pompous  ~ He acts like a know-it-all and never apologizes, unless to prove how rarely he makes a mistake He's a prima donna ... condescending in words, tone of voice and mannerisms. Every issue which effects him is high drama and he'll try to demolish the opposition in every discussion to keep the focus on himself.

8. Self-righteous ~ In order to disguise his corrupt character, he always claims the moral and ethical high ground. He brags about the goodness of his own character while suggesting that others have dubious motives. He frequently talks of his superior ethical standards, implying that others don't have his high standards and using distorted examples to prove that others are not nearly as superior as he.

 
9. Obsessed with image  ~He believes that his image is more important than reality, so he disguises his true emotions and desires. When you see beneath his persona, he will suggest that your actions have hurt his image. Alternatively, he says that your proposed actions (i.e., exposing him) will hurt your own image.


10. Passive-aggressive  ~  He'll keep you in the dark by sulking, instead of confronting issues.

11. Pretends to care ~ While pretending to care about others, he is at his most manipulative and dangerous. Most people are taken in by his apparently positive energy, enthusiasm and charisma, but in reality, they are naively being fooled by an attractive personality which hides a morally and ethically corrupt abuser who is coldly and ruthlessly pursuing his own selfish ends. His expression of affection is tainted with possessiveness and he compliments you only because it serves his purpose. He has a look of concern, but he doesn't truly respect you. He pretends to be your friend while tearing you down, destroying your reputation, weakening your position, and exaggerating the importance of your mistakes.

 
12. Plays the victim  ~ He exaggerates his pain and suffering, trying to make you feel guilty for causing his pain and claiming that you don't appreciate him (all he does for you). He becomes angry and indignant when you try to reason with him, then says he is tired of doing all the compromising. Some of his favorite phrases:  "Why are you ruining it for the rest of us?"
"Don't you want to help us succeed instead of standing in our way?"
"You hurt me when you did that."(or said that)
"You hurt my feelings when you did that."(or said that).
"You hurt others when you did that."(or said that).
"How could you do this to me?"
"I thought I could count on you."
"You betrayed my trust in you."
"Why are you ruining it for the rest of us?"


 



reallyME

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2006, 12:47:40 PM »
I decided to examine myself in light of all these things...these were very interesting to read and consider:



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1. Charming in public  ~ exuding warmth and charm, an abuser smiles and tells jokes, praises and flatters you, outwardly supports you with a show of approval and reassurance, makes you feel valuable and appears to be  attentive to your needs


I do not exude warmth and charm in public.  I tend to be a very stern individual, rarely smile.  I do tell jokes to people I feel comfortable with, I used to flatter people years ago, until I was told there was a "spirit of false flattery" on me, and I had it cast out through deliverance.  I do outwardly support and approve, reassure people, attentive to their needs, but it's genuine, lasting and sincere.

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2. Rumor-monger in private  ~ criticizing you behind your back, he may suggest that you have personal or emotional problems, carefully building a case against you via calculated misinformation passed on to others behind the scenes. He manipulates others into criticizing you and then rewards them for their participation in his plot to undermine your image in every way.

I did this to people in the past, but I tend to talk to people outrightly now, rather than going behind their back anymore.  I have had this done to me by several people online/offline.  When I hung around such people back in 2001, I started falling into this behavior too and it was a real MESS!


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3. Two-faced  ~  He pretends to support you while planning to destroy you; then when you challenge him, he suddenly transforms from supportive to bullying. His soft-spoken manner hides his destructive intentions, his flattering words hide his desire to control you, and  his seemingly warm personality hides his take-no-prisoners attitude.

No, I'm not two-faced.  If I do not like you I will tell you up-front; not be one way and then another.  I do not have a false soft-spoken manner about me at all.



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4. Distorts truth and reality ~ He misleads people by omitting key facts. He's extremely concerned to preserve an appearance of integrity, all the while withholding significant information. He misleads people by omitting key facts, he quotes hearsay as important and authoritative, then  justifies his opinion by falsely claiming others think the same way. Master of the half-truth, he misstates and belittles your viewpoint, asks questions that demean you, then interrupts before you can fully respond, he changes the subject before you can correct his misstatements, then he adds new false accusations faster than you can respond to old ones.


I definitely do not distort truth or reality.  I have learned to be very objective about what I see and to speak it just the way I see it.  I do not omit information to manipulate people, and in fact feel upset if someone thinks I have an intent of being "out to get" them or hurt them...hence why I was quick to work through things with my friend Penelope.



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5. Hypocritical ~ His spoken philosophy and behavior don't match, his words creating a positive image which does not match his actions. He describes his mistakes as minor, but your mistakes as serious, or ignores his own mistakes while always highliting yours.  
- He calmly demeans you, but is angry because you don't respect him. Not respecting him = pointing out the inconguities and inconsistencies between who he claims to be and what he actually does and says.

I have zero tolerance for hippocrites, actually.  Probably nothing bugs me more.  IF I ever see this in myself, I pray that God changes me to be who I claim to be and not be false in any way.


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6. Evasive ~ He acts confused by any complaint about his behavior and always shifts the focus to others. He acts like he is the one who is being victimized. He tries to make you feel guilty for hurting him, accusing you of behavior that was far worse than his and asserting that you are the cause of his bad behavior (if he ever does admit to behaving badly).

Nope, I'm more in-your-face.  I do not evade topics and it annoys me when others says "oh never mind" or "let's change the subject"

  
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7. Pompous  ~ He acts like a know-it-all and never apologizes, unless to prove how rarely he makes a mistake He's a prima donna ... condescending in words, tone of voice and mannerisms. Every issue which effects him is high drama and he'll try to demolish the opposition in every discussion to keep the focus on himself.


I can be sometimes,and I'm really working on this one.

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8. Self-righteous ~ In order to disguise his corrupt character, he always claims the moral and ethical high ground. He brags about the goodness of his own character while suggesting that others have dubious motives. He frequently talks of his superior ethical standards, implying that others don't have his high standards and using distorted examples to prove that others are not nearly as superior as he.

Again, have to guard against this habit.  Because I'm a choleric, I tend to feel I do not need approval nor people nor their advice or input.

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9. Obsessed with image  ~He believes that his image is more important than reality, so he disguises his true emotions and desires. When you see beneath his persona, he will suggest that your actions have hurt his image. Alternatively, he says that your proposed actions (i.e., exposing him) will hurt your own image.


Nope, this is not me.  I am one who really doesn't sometimes give a rip what I appear as, and that can be a problem too.


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10. Passive-aggressive  ~  He'll keep you in the dark by sulking, instead of confronting issues.


No, but have known people who were and are.

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11. Pretends to care ~ While pretending to care about others, he is at his most manipulative and dangerous. Most people are taken in by his apparently positive energy, enthusiasm and charisma, but in reality, they are naively being fooled by an attractive personality which hides a morally and ethically corrupt abuser who is coldly and ruthlessly pursuing his own selfish ends. His expression of affection is tainted with possessiveness and he compliments you only because it serves his purpose. He has a look of concern, but he doesn't truly respect you. He pretends to be your friend while tearing you down, destroying your reputation, weakening your position, and exaggerating the importance of your mistakes.

No, I really DO care.  I was not raised by N's, I was raised by a Catholic mother who taught me to value people, so I know how to have a heart and love people.
  
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12. Plays the victim  ~ He exaggerates his pain and suffering, trying to make you feel guilty for causing his pain and claiming that you don't appreciate him (all he does for you). He becomes angry and indignant when you try to reason with him, then says he is tired of doing all the compromising. Some of his favorite phrases:  "Why are you ruining it for the rest of us?"
"Don't you want to help us succeed instead of standing in our way?"
"You hurt me when you did that."(or said that)
"You hurt my feelings when you did that."(or said that).
"You hurt others when you did that."(or said that).
"How could you do this to me?"
"I thought I could count on you."
"You betrayed my trust in you."
"Why are you ruining it for the rest of us?"


I rarely say these things because I KNOW they are saying that the things people do are reflections on ME...NARCISSISM, but I have been told these things by others and made to feel like I was somehow joined to them and my behavior controlled their reactions, which is not truth, but a projection on their part.

Well, this is me in the "raw"

~Laura

Certain Hope

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2006, 01:02:51 PM »
Jac,

  I do hope that this will prove useful, because as you say... I think people experience encounters like this regularly and if they've never been through it before, they often don't realize what just happened. The element of surprise can be overwhelming and so disconcerting.

   Personally, I always admired folks who seemed to be so outgoing and charming, because my own shyness kept me in my shell to a great extent for many years. I've always smiled alot, but never felt quite up to par as far as sharing or being able to make ordinary chit chat and socialize freely without fear. If someone who seemed to be a natural at that sort of easygoing sociability appeared to take an interest in me, I was easily charmed off my feet. I now know that the reality test comes when I differ in views with someone who seems to be so friendly and kind and suddenly I'm targeted for annhilation. N tried to annhilate me. He nearly succeeded.

   I'm happy to say that this cycle is broken in my home, as well. My kids know that what counts is not a person's ability to charm and put a slick face on appearances, but the substance beneath the words...  actions which match their speech, not empty talk.
Your children are blessed to have you as their mom, I think, Jac.

  RM, I'm a bit puzzled as to why you took the self-analysis approach to this thread, but that's cool... if it helps you, that's what counts. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing I need to be delivered from is preoccupation with self, since that's where most of my trouble begins, not with some invading spirit.

Hope

Brigid

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2006, 01:14:10 PM »
Dear Hope,

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sometimes I think it's easy to lose sight of the fact that not all those who abuse others are outwardly aggressive and obvious.

Thanks for sharing all of this.  You have described my xnh to a tee.  He never was or is outwardly aggressive and still has many people convinced that he is a very charming, funny, sweet, caring guy.  This would apply mainly to women, whom he is particularly good at charming into his fold.  He has only a couple of male friends that put up with him and I would say that many men find him disturbingly different.

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People find their way here mostly because they CANNOT make sense of what they're going through - this list will be invaluable to them in knowing it and seeing it for what it is.

Yup, that would be me.  I thought I had entered the Twilight Zone when all the truths of his behaviors starting coming out.  I could not reconcile who I thought he was with who I saw him become in front of my eyes.  Of course, it was always there, but I had been blind to it.

Hugs,

Brigid

Added on edit--The one positive thing I would say about the fact that he is not aggressive is that we can co-parent our children in peace and he will not try to use them to hurt me in any way.  We will be forever joined to each other through those children, so it is a relief to know (at least for now) that we can participate in their life events together without conflict. 

« Last Edit: August 09, 2006, 01:25:36 PM by Brigid »

mudpuppy

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2006, 01:52:34 PM »
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None of this is anything new

No, but I always find it reassuring and confirming when others can write down experiences with others that so precisely match mine.

mud

DreamSinger

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2006, 01:58:35 PM »
Thanks Hope. I needed this, especially after yesterday a phone call had thrown me for a loop and I found myself engaged in another self-defeating conversation. Didn't get entangled as deeply as I have in the past, but I still felt slimed when I hung up...and I was so angry that I let it happen - that I let myself engage in the conversation even at all.

I dug out my book, "The Verbally Abusve Relationship" by Patricia Evans that practically...no, literally saved my life three years ago. It opened my eyes, and helped me to see enough to escape. A dear friend of mine had told me at that time that something inside of me was dying. He could see it and was very concerned about me. The thing is I could feel it. I was losing who I was, what was healthy enough inside of me that made me able to create and dream. It was always a rather sad and pathetic situation, but I was breaking, coming to a point where I was so worn down that I was losing...I don't know...life essence, for lack of better word.

I believe it's never too late to set yourself free or to reach for the stars, but it's a hell of a lot harder to do when you're a zombie. If you can get out now, do it.

Last night, these words jumped off the page at me: 

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When the partner recognizes that her mate has no determination to understand her, she has begun to understand him.

It's all about agendas. Everything, every cool trick, every slick act, every kind word or sincere gaze, has at its core, the abuser's self-serving agenda. And they have so little regard for truth, that a person like that can look you straight in the eye and argue a point that both of you know is untrue and both of you know the other person knows is untrue! Doesn't matter. If the truth doesn't serve them, if it doesn't give them that sense of control, it's irrelevant. Only their personal agenda matters, and they will beat you up with assertions and accusations as if every word they spoke was the golden truth or sit back and laugh to themselves with a smug satisfaction as they watch you dance at the end of their manipulative strings.


It's so easy to get suckered into these dynamics, because there is such a part of you that truly believes in the goodness of people and respects the whole communication process, and stuff like honesty, integrity and forthrightness. It's work, even if you've been around people like this for a long time, to give yourself a reality check and remind yourself that this person lives in an entirely different world with different rules - which are based not on any set of principles but on whether something serves him or not. You have to remind yourself what you are dealing with, and know what is worth investing your energy into and what isn't  An N is definitely not.

When Evan's words reminded me of what I was dealing with, the crazy feeling started to go away., and so did the anger and pain I was feeling. Unlike in the past, I salvaged the rest of my day and had a wonderful evening with my daughter. It's a wonder what a little validation can do!

And this list does the same thing in greater detail for me.  I shall print it out and take it to work with me tonight. *Thank you*


Demian,
  ~DreamSinger

Certain Hope

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2006, 10:53:21 PM »
Jac,

  That passage from the Psalms is one that I used to pray through when N was still in my life. Verse 6... Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest.
  and then ...

20 He has put forth his hands against those who were at peace with him; He has violated his covenant. 21 His speech was smoother  than butter, But his heart was war; His words were softer than oil, Yet they were drawn swords. 22 Cast your  burden upon the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. 

N dug a pit for me, but then stumbled into it himself, tripping over his own deceit. I do believe that all those who set traps for others with their oily words will meet the same fate.

Brigid, I was blind to it as well... wishful thinking and all, I suppose; fairy tales are not a good foundation on which to build a life. My ex husband was certain that he could create his own reality and he nearly had me convinced. I'm amazed to hear that your ex doesn't continue to act out in the process of your co-parenting. What a blessing for everyone involved! I am so thankful that my children are not ex-N's and that they never have to deal with him again. I don't know what ever happened to him at this point. Maybe he's still busy suing his first divorce lawyer and the judge who ruled against him in our case.  :P

Demian, I can surely relate to that feeling of having been slimed! My built in slime detectors are quite finely tuned, but I still keep an eye on my own boundaries, to ensure that I'll never get entangled in another phony baloney line of hooey goo again. I absolutely refuse to engage. I was quite thoroughly zombified by the time this ordeal was over, so I know what it's like to lose the music of your soul. You are absolutely right about this:

they have so little regard for truth, that a person like that can look you straight in the eye and argue a point that both of you know is untrue and both of you know the other person knows is untrue! Doesn't matter.

The truth is meaningless. It is all and only about preserving the abuser's false image so that she/he can resume the primary agenda, which is to destroy all obstructions on which he's focused his eternal envy. When people are merely objects, there are no rules and no bounds. I love honest communication and it thrills me to be here, learning to do a better job of it, but you couldn't pay me to waste words with a conniving manipulator. I'm glad you found this list validating, Demian. You're welcome... and thank you for sharing some more with us.

Mud... Hey and thanks  8)

Wishing you all a wonderful night and a fresh new day tomorrow.

With love,
Hope
« Last Edit: August 09, 2006, 10:55:44 PM by Certain Hope »

reallyME

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2006, 11:50:31 PM »
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CH: RM, I'm a bit puzzled as to why you took the self-analysis approach to this thread, but that's cool... if it helps you, that's what counts. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing I need to be delivered from is preoccupation with self, since that's where most of my trouble begins, not with some invading spirit.

I chose to go this route, because of remembering how people on this list tend to think that I portray myself as so flawless and perfect, and have said that basically I lie to myself and am not objective about who I really am...human, etc.  I also LOVE doing analysis on myself and others, if you couldn't tell that over the many months since I got here. :)

Certain Hope

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2006, 08:06:12 AM »
Laura,

  I see. Do you get accused of that in real life? Of acting like you think you're perfect, I mean? I have...  mostly in discussions with with N who's trying to shift the focus from what he did wrong to all of the many reasons why I'm no better than he is. Got to the point where I'd begin any conversation by listing my most recent failings just to get it out of the way. Never worked though... no matter how far I'd humble myself, he'd always twist it around so he'd come out on top. He would never, ever follow suit.

  When another person refuses to be held accountable, it doesn't seem to matter how you approach them about a concern... they will somehow explain their own wrongdoing away and bring the whole thing down to ripping you to shreds. But tone and style of approach is important, of course. If a person knows that it's only God's grace that makes her acceptable, not anything in and of herself, that will come across to others ( at least to those who are reasonable and mature) and defuse alot of the natural defensiveness that's part of each of us, I think. When it stops being about proving that we're right, or that we're justified in whatever we've done or said, then we can get to the heart of those things that matter most. Have a great day, Laura.

With love,
Hope

reallyME

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2006, 08:46:18 AM »
I get accused of everything under the sun in real life...and, it is always by WOMEN, not men.  That is the interesting thing.  I have yet to have any major issues with a male.

I know exactly who I am in Christ and that I'm accepted in the Beloved and the head and not the tail, above and not beneath, etc...however, other human beings, even when you stand on that, will become offended and try to pull you down, saying that you can't use scripture to defend yourself (Jodi did this to me). 

As a result, it is easier to stay away from people that pull me down and cannot communicate in a civil, healthy manner

Certain Hope

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2006, 09:39:54 AM »
Hi again Laura,

  I've often thought that the element of competition among women and the whole business of females gathering into cliques is a big part of the reason for increased emotional conflicts.

   Do you think that you present yourself or express yourself in a different way to men than to other women?

Love,
Hope

reallyME

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2006, 07:55:17 PM »
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CH: Do you think that you present yourself or express yourself in a different way to men than to other women?

That is a very good question and I am really enjoying dialoguing with you.

No, I don't think I do.  I am a pretty much in-yer-face sort of creature with anyone, male or female or cross-gendered or whatever :)

Certain Hope

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #12 on: August 11, 2006, 08:40:09 AM »
Laura,

  I've enjoyed the conversation, too!

I am not an in-yer-face kinda person at all. I've always been quiet and reserved, at least until I get to know someone pretty well. Since my experience with N-ex-husband, I've learned better to speak up about the things I value and address issues in a more up-front way, rather than my old method of stewing on stuff until an eventual implosion occurred. Never have been an exploder... most of my stuffed stuff blows inward. I can write my thoughts alot better than speak them, but that's getting easier, too. My husband has been a big help with that, because he doesn't twist what I say and make me feel stupid or regretful for having brought something up in the first place. I'm really aware of the impact the computer has had, in general, on giving me my voice... especially because I enjoy writing so much. Because of this, I always try to imagine the person I'm addressing standing right in front of me, lest I say something online that I wouldn't say face to face. That's very important to me, because otherwise, with the anonymity and lack of personal contact here, it'd be easy to run amuck and I'd regret that. I did alot of Christian chat when I first got online and saw so many examples of people playing a role, on some power trip, hosting chatrooms like dictators and acting out their control freakery on anyone who'd cross them. I saw enough to know that I don't wanna be like that. Anyhow... hope you have a wonderful day, Laura. Good to "talk" with ya  :)


reallyME

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Re: An Abuser's Tricks
« Reply #13 on: August 11, 2006, 09:05:38 AM »
CH
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Because of this, I always try to imagine the person I'm addressing standing right in front of me, lest I say something online that I wouldn't say face to face.


See, that's what I've been trying to get across on this board.  What you see is what you get with me.  I would say the same things in person to your face as I have said here.  Then, in person, as well, there are times I have to apologize, but times I stand my ground, just like on this board. 

If anyone DID come visit me at some point, they would see that I am very fun, but very up-front too.  I am not one who gets all bent out of shape over ya not knowing where to put a cup or plate.  Most people who have stayed with me from online, are shocked at how relaxed and tolerant I can be.  They come expecting me to be like their abusive, domineering parent, and they try to walk on eggshells, till I finally sit them down and say "Look, i'm not about to slap ya or yell at ya.  Please loosen up because you are so tense around me that I can feel it and it is make ME feel uncomfortable, so I can imagine how you felt as a child and how you might think you should feel now with me.  But there is no reason.  You are FREE in my house to turn the tv on YOURSELF, you are free to tell my if you are sad, angry, lonely, or tired, etc.

Anyway, have a great day all!

~ReallyME, Laura