Sharing Emotions

[Certain Hope]

Hi 

The following brief article was written by "Emotional Pro" ~ Ilene Dillon. No doubt there's potential for this to be a risky endeavor, if engaged in casually without proper forethought and the proper restraint, but I can see how it could work.. especially if the other person/partner involved agrees to engage in this sort of communication. I've been practicing this rather informally at home for some time now, because I've become so aware of the damage done by stuff it and stew on it method of not processing anger and hurt. After reading this, I'm going to try a more formal approach and see how it goes! At the moment, I can't quite imagine engaging in this sort of expression three times a week    because my past efforts have left me considerably drained (albeit encouraged).
We'll see how it goes!  Here's what Ilene had to say:

Love, Hope

Many years ago, as part of my healing as a “Recovering Angry Person,” I realized that whenever I feel angry (and especially the hurt that is always underneath), I must deal with it, upfront. If I don’t, it will create terrible havoc in my life. I learned to share it as the hurt I was feeling, rather than dump the anger that was on top, as I had done in previous years. Yet, the people in relationship with me were asked to help me with the hurt I experienced in certain situations, so that I could resolve it, learn, change and grow. I wasn’t sure if it was “just me” that needed to deal with that anger/hurt the minute I became aware of it, or if it was also important to others.

This past week, my conclusion is that it is also important to others! What has come to my attention is a “scene” from the “human movie” that has the same ingredients, yet occurred in three different relationships. Here is the scene. 1) Partner #1 does or says something which hurts or angers Partner #2. 2) Partner #2, either by deciding not to deal with it or by not realizing the emotions have been stimulated, says nothing to Partner #2. 3) At some later date, totally unrelated to the original hurt/anger, Partner #2 becomes immensely upset with Partner #1, in some cases to the point of abuse, such as declaring Partner #1 mentally ill, blaming Partner #1 for being disrespectful, turning up the television (in the bedroom) full blast in the middle of the night while simultaneously nabbing the remote and hiding it, blaming Partner #1 because “you started it” but without being able to identify what “it” is, etc. 4) Manipulative behavior reins, wherein Partner #2 wants “something” from Partner #1, but does not know what it is and cannot ask for it directly, even when requested, and in the meantime “baits” the other person so as to involve them in an argument. 5) If the Partners have the skills, they work this scenario out themselves, knowledgeably seeking the point of original upset, which is hidden; if the Partners do not have the skills, they seek professional help due to the intensity of the upset in the relationship.

In other words, the principles I tout in my therapy sessions, writing, seminars and speeches are correct. For example, When you hold emotions inside, they tend to grow, “Stuffing” anger eventually creates an explosion. I’ve been thinking about how much misery there is in marriages, between parents and children, and in our world (between countries?), merely because people choose to “stuff” anger and hurt, rather than taking the risk to be vulnerable in sharing, especially the hurt. The scope is enormous.

Three times this week, as you go through your life, pick one thing you feel angry (hurt) about, and share the hurt with the other person involved. Be careful of your intent: do this merely to get the angry energy up and out of you, not to get any change or behavior from the other person involved. If you can’t share directly with that person, write your anger/hurt down (and don’t send it, hide it away for three days and then destroy it). You can also depict your feelings with color and line in some sort of simple art work. If you write on the computer, don’t keep this statement on your hard drive!

[Certain Hope]

Well, I just happen to have an instant (partial) answer to that one, Jac     lol ~ courtesy again of Ilene Dillon ... (just happened to have a window opened to this).... back soon, gotta run kid to band      Love, Hope

On February 23, 2006, the American Psychological Association issued a press release through the APA entitled “Americans Engage in Unhealthy Behaviors to Manage Stress.” Here are some interesting items from that release: 1) Forty-seven percent of Americans say they are concerned about stress; 2) Leading sources of stress include money, work, health problems (especially of family members), health concerns, “state of the world” and children; 3) People who are “very concerned” about their stress are more likely to be smokers and also exercise less. What “unhealthy things” do people do in working with such stress? Comfort eating, poor diet choices, smoking and inactivity. More people who report they are affected by stress are hypertensive, anxious, depressed and overweight. Women, by the way, report that stress affects them more than men (51 percent versus 43 percent) and have more things that stress them out. Women report feelings of nervousness, wanting to cry and lack of energy, while men talk about trouble sleeping or feeling irritable and angry.

So, let’s talk about stress! Studies like these are interesting, because they also reflect our beliefs. Yes, this is the way X percent of people are, or report they are, but what do they BELIEVE that underlies their experience? What are some possible beliefs, here? 1) I’m concerned about changing things but don’t believe I can change them; 2) I’m a woman and have less faith in my ability to change things than I would if I were a man; 3) I’m a man and have faith that I can change things more than if I were a woman; 4) I’m a man and cannot let my concerns show; instead they “leak” in ways I cannot control (such as in my sleep); 5) I’m a woman and I can express my feelings and let people know I cannot function very well (e.g., low energy); 6) The areas of my life where I have the least control are with money, work, keeping my body healthy and keeping charge over my children; 7) Since I have so little control over things, I will channel the anxious energy through smoking (activity), rather than doing something constructive that will really work. Since we all live according to our beliefs, it is important to identify what they are, and also to realize that we can change them. If you are holding some of these beliefs, what can you do to change them? (Hint: You can “rewrite” your belief and feed the new belief into your brain by constant repetition. The subconscious mind (where beliefs “live”!) cannot tell the difference between fiction and reality; it believes whatever is repeated, repeated and repeated.)

The more a person focuses on what cannot be changed and where s/he is helpless to make things different, the more stress and anxiety build! In our culture, we have learned to focus on “the problem” rather than on “the solution,” or better yet, “the outcome we want and how great it will feel to us.” Focus is very important regarding stress, as well as other “problems” we experience in life. Focusing on “the problem” makes us feel more helpless and ineffective. As I write in “Born to Learn,” and stress on “Full Power Living” (my Internet radio program), we need to “Pay attention to what you want to become, not to what you want to overcome.” Making this single change will transform anyone’s life. It is the mainstay of my psychotherapy as I help people to gain control of their lives and move in the direction they wish to go.

And then there is Fear. When we focus on the problem, we look at what “is not” going right, happening the way we wish, etc. If we want things to be different, we’ll need to change. Most people are afraid of change, as we discuss in “Born to Learn.” So, they put off making change until the pain of where they are registers high on the scale (stress?), so high they think it couldn’t be “any worse/more” if they made the change. Then they go into the change.

Here’s the scoop: We Americans can change the level of our stress with several easy steps: 1) change our beliefs; 2) focus on what we want to become, rather than on what we want to overcome; 3) utilize courage in making changes, rather than postponing them; 4) face life with faith and trust, rather than with fear. Bon Chance!