my husband, the robot/tapeplayer

[reallyME]

What a strange name for a new thread, ey?  Well, I will explain

My husband, possibly a moderate N, due to being horribly abused in his own childhood, by his "father" and peers at school, etc, tends to rarely be able to express a thought, feeling or opinion of his own.  If he wants to tell me something, it is from what he read in a book, saw on tv, or heard on the radio.

A typical conversation goes like this:

Me: I really need to get more sleep than I've been getting.  I just don't feel like I can function during the day!

Husband:  I heard the other day (or "they said on tv"), that sleep deprivation is responsible for causing extreme anxiety and even violence in people.

Me:  I think sleep deprivation causes me to become angry.  How do you feel when you are sleeping and people call and wake you up in the middle of your rest?

Husband:..............

Me:  Did you hear what I said?

Husband:  I'm thinking....ummmmmmm

Me:  What are your thoughts on this?

Husband:  "They say.........."

(and on it goes, but always with him telling me something he read, heard, saw from another source...typically narcissistic...gotta have the info from a "reputable" source)

When I pointed this out to him the other day, during a dull moment at our restaurant together, he said "I do not."  Finally, he saw what I was saying and responded with "SO?  So what if I do that.  I use other things to validate my point."

Me:  But I want to hear YOUR THOUGHTS and FEELINGS

Husband:  "THose ARE my thoughts and feelings!  What they said...those ARE my thoughts and feelings on things!"

At that point, I again realized the dysfunctional individual I was talking to, and I left it alone.

~Laura

[reallyME]

The reason I said he was a robot/tapeplayer, is because he just plays back and spits out whatever was programmed into his brain, having no thoughts or views or beliefs of his own.

The man lives back in childhood with his spiritual knowledge remaining in that of "what they taught me in Sunday school"  It is really pathetic and sad!

~Laura

Off to work now...will catch up with ya'll later

[Certain Hope]

Dear Laura,

  I will keep your husband and your whole family in prayer. Truly, based on what you've shared, he doesn't sound N, just out of touch. If he doesn't know how he feels about things, that may be simply because he's never felt safe to even take a look at his emotions or consider how they affect him. I don't think that's a bit unusual for men, especially when they've come from an abusive background. Providing him a safe, calm environment in which his emotions can be viewed as something other than a threat may be the best course to take.

With love,
Hope

P.S. You might enjoy this website I stumbled into yesterday... for Christian women... lots of articles (and even a chat, I guess) re: relationships, well-being, etc. http://www.womentodaymagazine.com/

[reallyME]

Actually, yes CH, my husband has the traits of an N.  He has no empathy for people whatsoever, he tends to hear things twisted...he just is not a full-N, but a moderate one.  I tested him online and he proved to be not only N but avoidant and BPD too.

[Certain Hope]

Hi Laura,

Just popped back in here because this has been bothering me.... 

If by what I said, I sounded as though I don't think your husband's issues affect you greatly in trying to relate to him, I'm sorry.
Of course I don't know anything about either one of you other than what you've shared, so I surely am not able to diagnose or
 un-diagnose anyone. You know him best.

My response was based on my awareness that, following my own intimate experience with a man who is 100% NPD, I began to see signs of narcissism everywhere, in so many people... whew. It boggled my mind. I read so much about various personality disorders that it really started to clutter up my mind and colored my view of alot of people in a negative way. Now I see very clearly that if I'm going to let my mind be occupied with all this material about disorders, it's going to start to take over my world in a very unhealthy way, so... I have to make a point to not focus too much on it. Balance. Thinking on those things that are good, true, and right... because in many ways I think we become what we allow our minds to dwell upon.

My husband and I married very soon after meeting, so we didn't know each other very well at all. We each brought our own stuff (I really dislike the word "baggage") into our relationship, as I think every couple does. In addition to stuff that's rooted way far back in childhood, I had plenty of other stuff from my marriage to N that was far from resolved.
it's certainly been a challenge, but we've been able to make continual progress (despite numerous setbacks) because we both believe that God brought us together and also because we really are friends, not just husband and wife.
When I've reached points where I'm so frustrated at some hurdle that I can't seem to get over in my marriage, I've had to make a conscious decision to see him as my brother in the faith and not just my husband. Taking that perspective as "sister" has helped alot to ease some of the hurts and disappointments that I've felt as "the wife".  Just a thought.

Anyhow, I never meant to minimize the difficulty of your situation. If you want to talk about this more, I'll sure listen.

Love,
Hope

[reallyME]

Thank You, CH.  I see things very much like you do

[Bones]

What a strange name for a new thread, ey?  Well, I will explain

My husband, possibly a moderate N, due to being horribly abused in his own childhood, by his "father" and peers at school, etc, tends to rarely be able to express a thought, feeling or opinion of his own.  If he wants to tell me something, it is from what he read in a book, saw on tv, or heard on the radio.

A typical conversation goes like this:

Me: I really need to get more sleep than I've been getting.  I just don't feel like I can function during the day!

Husband:  I heard the other day (or "they said on tv"), that sleep deprivation is responsible for causing extreme anxiety and even violence in people.

Me:  I think sleep deprivation causes me to become angry.  How do you feel when you are sleeping and people call and wake you up in the middle of your rest?

Husband:..............

Me:  Did you hear what I said?

Husband:  I'm thinking....ummmmmmm

Me:  What are your thoughts on this?

Husband:  "They say.........."

(and on it goes, but always with him telling me something he read, heard, saw from another source...typically narcissistic...gotta have the info from a "reputable" source)

When I pointed this out to him the other day, during a dull moment at our restaurant together, he said "I do not."  Finally, he saw what I was saying and responded with "SO?  So what if I do that.  I use other things to validate my point."

Me:  But I want to hear YOUR THOUGHTS and FEELINGS

Husband:  "THose ARE my thoughts and feelings!  What they said...those ARE my thoughts and feelings on things!"

At that point, I again realized the dysfunctional individual I was talking to, and I left it alone.

~Laura

This sounds similar to my boyfriend.  The only difference is that his favorite response to ANYTHING is......"I Dunno", when I know that he knows!

Bones

[reallyME]

Bones,

My husband's saying is "That doesn't make any sense" when actually it makes perfect sense but he doesn't LIKE it or AGREE and isn't able to just say "I DISAGREE WITH THAT"

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Laura and Bones,

  Just wondering here...  If these guys were to make a personal investment into the question/problem by actually thinking through their own ideas about it and then expressing those thoughts, would they then feel personally responsible for coming up with a solution? I mean, when the topic is something global like world hunger... I personally am left with an "I dunno" (helpless?) sort of feeling. Maybe some subjects just seem so huge and outside their personal realm that they feel unable to even consider them?

Sometimes I think this  "that doesn't make sense" or  "I dunno" attitude is just an evasion of responsibility/commitment. When I get a combination of a "fffffffttt" with an almost invisible shoulder shrug, I know there won't be any conversation to follow. It's a pretty effective discussion ender. Frustrating, for sure. Alot of what I experience now with this seems to have a large element of "just wait and see how it all works out" kind of attitude. Almost fatalistic, instead of coming up with a step by step plan to work toward affecting the  consequences, just accepting whatever happens. Laziness maybe?   I dunno.   heh.

Have a great day, you two.

Love,
Hope

[reallyME]

CH:

Maybe some subjects just seem so huge and outside their personal realm that they feel unable to even consider them?

ALL subjects not some.  N's have such thin skin with nerves near the surface that they cannot handle anything of REALITY or REAL FEELINGS.  Like I said earlier, N's cannot handle feeling guilt or having anything tarnish their reputation or the image that they believe they are showing the world.

~RM

[Hopalong]

HI RM,

It must be really hard for you at times to feel unheard by your husband, and to be aware of his Nishness.

I am sorry.

Hops

[Bones]

Hi, Laura and Bones,

  Just wondering here...  If these guys were to make a personal investment into the question/problem by actually thinking through their own ideas about it and then expressing those thoughts, would they then feel personally responsible for coming up with a solution? I mean, when the topic is something global like world hunger... I personally am left with an "I dunno" (helpless?) sort of feeling. Maybe some subjects just seem so huge and outside their personal realm that they feel unable to even consider them?

Sometimes I think this  "that doesn't make sense" or  "I dunno" attitude is just an evasion of responsibility/commitment. When I get a combination of a "fffffffttt" with an almost invisible shoulder shrug, I know there won't be any conversation to follow. It's a pretty effective discussion ender. Frustrating, for sure. Alot of what I experience now with this seems to have a large element of "just wait and see how it all works out" kind of attitude. Almost fatalistic, instead of coming up with a step by step plan to work toward affecting the  consequences, just accepting whatever happens. Laziness maybe?   I dunno.   heh.

Have a great day, you two.

Love,
Hope

Thanks, Hope.

When my boyfriend responds to EVERYTHING with "I dunno", I get frustrated.  The "lack of commitment" seems to nail that on the head!

Bones

[Certain Hope]

Hi Bones,

  Sorry about that. I'd say "I dunno" but that one's been worn out, huh. (((((((Bones))))))))  I know it's so aggravating.
I guess all we can do in those situations is be as clear as possible in communication and then make our own plan and follow through on it alone. It can sure be hard to discover what motivates some folks... if anything.

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

My NMom avoids and evades expressing a firm opinion or conviction.

She's say things like, well, I don't know...or...the world is complicated, etc...

Not much fun to talk to.

Interesting that this might be an N issue, I have never read about that.

Hops