Sorry!

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi all

This is going back to the Sorry thread some time ago, which I think Jac initially posted, but I wanted to highlight something which happened to me the other week, which I wouldn’t have recognised, if it hadn’t been for that thread.

One of our manager’s put on an email to another senior colleague the following comment:-

“I do not always trust the sheets that H&H sends out”

To try and give you some background, myself and my colleague who works in the same department send out availability lists, giving the management an overview of who is available, and if they are aware or require someone, then they know this information.

This comment really bothered me, so I went to speak to the manager who had wrote the email and asked him to clarify, and what was the basis of this comment, thinking it was something I wasn’t aware off.  However, there was no basis for his comment at all, so I said I thought it was a negative and derogatory comment against my work.  His reply was “I’m sorry you took it that way, it wasn’t meant that way”

How’s that for a poor sorry?  I’m sorry it was your fault for taking it that way, and what other way could I have taken his comment?

So I just replied that it was ok, but I didn’t want it to happen again….

Even if he had put the sheets that Resourcing send out, instead of using my name, especially when it wasn’t directed at me, but I am still annoyed by it.  I keep trying to tell myself it’s in the past, and as long as it doesn’t happen again, then it’s ok.

Take care

H&H xx

[Certain Hope]

Dear H & H,

  Just want to say that I think you did the right thing in going directly to the manager who wrote this comment re: you.

  There was no basis for it at all? Sounds like there was no factual basis at all, but something else spinning around in this manager's head. 

His reply was “I’m sorry you took it that way, it wasn’t meant that way”

  That is no sorry at all, in my view. It's a complete denial of responsibility for something that he himself put into writing.

Have you, by any chance, caught this manager in any mistakes in the past? I have a sense that he is trying to secretly cast doubt on you to discredit you not by any fault of your own, but because you know (or he thinks you know) something about him which would make him look bad to others. Could that be?

  I don't blame you a bit for being annoyed. Sounds very underhanded to me and a cheap shot. If he had a legitimate problem with your work, wouldn't it be his responsibility to come to you directly and discuss it? (((((((H & H)))))))  The truth will come out in time.
This sort of sly manipulation of facts does really get under my skin. Cheering for you in taking the direct approach!

Love,
Hope

[Plucky]

Hi H&H,
that was not an apology, at least not for his action.  It was an apology for the fact that you took it the way you did, which in my opinion was the only way to take it.    It was not ok and if there is a next time, try not to let it go.    What a jerk!
Plucky

[Hopalong]

H&H,
He's not sorry at all, except that he "got caught".
So one of the recipients of his email told you about it, or forwarded it to you?

This puts you in an awkward position. Do you feel the need to do any kind of response to the person who received his email? Any "damage control"?

I think office politics can be as painful as FOO stuff, sometimes.

I'm very sorry that you went through this...you are so conscientious and hard working, it's unfair.

Hops

[gratitude28]

H&H,
You dealt very well with the situation. He had no right to send out an email like that for any reason. If there was a problem, he should have been dealing with you directly.
Please try to get a copy of the email and keep it. If there are other problems, you should find out whom you can report him to, as this is completely inappropriate behavior.
Beth

[Healing&Hopeful]

Thank you....

I was cc'd into a reply he sent to someone else, which was why I found out about it.

I don't think it was intentional, he just didn't think before he sent it, however as a senior manager who is on easily 3 times my wages, to send something like this is really inappropriate especially since there was no reason for it at all.

I haven't caught him in any mistakes in the past Hope...

Jac... that would have been a good reaction  however maybe not suitable in this case, due to the level of management and my mediocre status 

Yes Plucky, my thoughts are What a Jerk.... plus since this, he's been a bit funny with me.  Hard to put my finger exactly on it, and it may just be in my head but just a bit odd!

I haven't sent anything to the other colleague, mainly because I didn't know what to say without turning it into a big deal, but know what you mean about damage control Hops.

Yes Beth, I like to think if someone does have a problem they can come to me and deal with me directly.

Thanks all

Love H&H xx

[penelope]

hi H&H,

One thing I've noticed about those folks "three levels above others" is that they spend the darnest amount of time talking about those at all the levels below them.  Why is this?  One - it may partially be their job, they think, as they are "managers" (by my definition of managing, this falls far short of the intended mark, though).  Two - they are simply insecure.

I liked Hops question:

Do you feel the need to do any kind of response to the person who received his email?

Cause if the email had been forwarded to you by another (which in this case it wasn't), I'd say it would be appropriate to go directly to that person and ask:  Why did you forward this email that was clearly not intended for me to me?  I do not wish to have any more negative comments about my work forwarded to me in such an indirect manner as I feel slightly harrassed by this method of communication.   This is because in my experience (FOO stuff), this is a way for that person to "get" to you indirectly, with another's words.  How immature.

Sometims in these cases, I've found it helpful to say to myself:  I think I'll just ignore all this, as they're clearly trying to get a reaction from me and this is all about them and not about me at all.  If this isn't coming up in a review (and that person three levels above isn't even my boss), I'd say:  who cares?   In other words, I think sometimes the best defense is to not defend oneself at all.  They'll find you are no fun to harass and move on to someone they can get a reaction out of.  Now, to take precaution, it might be wise to show this to your own supervisor, if you trust them and explain to them that the email has no basis and why you're concerned it not reflect in your review.

hugs,  that is icky stuff to deal with.  You're doing a fine job.

bean

[Plucky]

Hi H&H,
I would argue that the person who let you find out what the jerk was saying was actually helping you.  Passing along gossip about you in real life is just harmful, but in the workplace, I think you want to know what is being said.
If your instincts are that he is acting funny, then he probably is.  Don't excuse his behaviour and think that he did it carelessly or without knowing what he was doing.  You can react or not react, but remember to watch your back about him.
Plucky

[reallyME]

I think I'm not followin the rest of ya in this one...what was so wrong with the guy's apology?  I say the same thing to people "I'm sorry you feel that way, I didn't mean it that way."

I am a firm believer in letting others OWN their feelings.  That situation was about your feelings being hurt I think, so in my view, I believe he was truly saying he was sorry...um, I think?  Just please clarify the problem, cause I think I am oddball who doesn't get it.

[Plucky]

I'll take a stab at it.  There are basically two ways of saying you are sorry.  One is to be sorry for the thing that you did.  The other is to be sorry about the way that the person reacted to the thing that you did.

H&H's colleague made a negative comment about her in the workplace to a third party, and who knows who else saw it.  A negative comment in the business world is different than the same thing in your personal life.  It can end up being a nail in your coffin.  (H&H I am painting a worst case scenario.  Not a likely case.)  When H&H asked about the comment, it turned out that there was not any factual basis, at least that he wanted to share.  So he besmirched her reputation for no reason, then said she was taking it the wrong way and he was sorry she did that.

Does this help?
Plucky

[reallyME]

yes, I think it does make sense now. Thank you, Plucky