Author Topic: detachment  (Read 1171 times)

shanny

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detachment
« on: August 25, 2006, 12:02:32 AM »
Hi everyone,

I am finding it hard to detach.  I have to go back to work in a few days and he has spent the last conjouring things up to do to avoid meaningful time with me.  He has been perfectly detached from me.  I feel like the enemy of his recovery and the enemy of his addiction.  If I said goodbye he could just throw in the towel and seek a life of using. Though he tells me he wants to spend his life with me , his behavior seems the opposite. Maybe I should count my blessings that he feels secure enough to do what he wants to.  He does good things.   It seems like he's making a point of spending time on everything other than me just to hurt me and get a reaction.  He is so injured from his mother's behavior on vacation this year.   I'm so needy!!! There are moments when the truth comes to the surface and he says we knew I would attack you because of my addiction and I'm sorry and I love you.   This is forty years of using since he was 15.  My husband is trying not to replace it with anything.  He writes and plays guitar and works at the mill where they tested him and threatened his job if he didn't complete treatment. This is hard.  What I'm saying here is that all the rules have changed of how we related.  I have to be a grown up and I feel this screaming child inside just  ready to throw a tantrum or create a crisis.  How many times do I have to hear to detach and concentrate on my own recovery?  Everyday is such a challenge.   

Shanny

Hopalong

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Re: detachment
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2006, 12:53:47 AM »
Hi Shanny,

Many years ago, my now-deceased ex-husband was an alcoholic. I went to a few meetings for help, and was a good bit younger than the other women there (it happened to be an all-female group). After a while I realized that none of them would countenance my leaving him to create a different life, because it was against their principles to ever support the dismantling of a marriage.

In a way, it tightened the trap when they advised me to detach with love. Because I felt to do it all correctly I'd have to stay with him and sort of "live a parallel life" -- letting go of any dreams I had for my future. Or that's how it felt to me at the time. Although they were kind and truly working the program they had learned, it didn't feel like a support group to me as much as another complicated curriculum to learn...and in honesty, I didn't want to find a way to be detached. I wanted to find a way to be away. That's what it came to, and we found our way to a peaceful divorce.
It's asking a lot for a person to be heroically healthy when they're living closely with an addict.

I sympathize deeply with your frustration and hope you'll find the strength to think it through.

Other people here with deeper knowledge than mine about alcoholic codependency and 12-step programs can help you more than I can. But your story reminded me.

I just want to send courage to you, Shanny, I think you have a lot of strength to take your path forward, one step at a time.

You''re not alone.
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

shanny

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Re: detachment
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2006, 01:08:52 AM »
Dear Hop.

Yeah, I admire your courage to "get away".  I'm hoping I can work the steps and recover from my codependency in case I can recieve love in a healthier way when he recovers.  Right now it's kind of a bear.  I am well aware that my childhood trauma and the fear of getting busted is still there urging me to create a crisis.Thanks for reminding me that it's not just me that I am in between a rock and a hard spot.  I thank you for your kind words and encouragement.  Thanks for sharing your past.  Part of me believes that Al-anon is just more enabling. for me it's all hollow curriculum without the Lord. 

Thankful for you,

Shanny

Certain Hope

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Re: detachment
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2006, 04:00:35 PM »
Hi Shanny,

  Maybe it would help to think of yourself as the friend of your husband's search for good health. 
The addiction is his enemy and he knows that, I'm sure. He really does.

When I was drinking, I knew that my husband didn't like it, but he never withheld love from me because of it. He didn't gripe and complain... he just prayed for me and loved me. I don't know whether I could have quit without that support. Because of it, I was able to hold myself accountable. His constancy made me want to quit, because I knew that the alcohol was ruling over me and I didn't want anything to come between us. I am not saying that your husband is guaranteed success in his efforts, but you know that they absolutely must be his own efforts, based on his own desire to be well and whole. Also, I was angry with my husband during the end days of my drinking... not because he made an issue of it, but simply because I knew he'd be so happy if I quit.
But I couldn't let myself get away with trying to blame him. I believe that God intervened with that... even though I actually remember wishing he would pitch a fit about it so I could get really angry. It doesn't make sense, but you know how that works... and honestly, if he'd given me any excuse to keep drinking by giving me a hard time about it, I may have not quit! 

   I know that you have alot more strength than you might realize... to let him grow up and stand on his own 2 feet.
From what you've said, he sounds quite serious about it. And you know that you are not alone in this struggle, not ever.
I didn't think to ask you the first time you posted... Are you safe to stay there in the home while he fights his battle? Has he physically injured you, Shanny? You do know that if that's the case, you can and should leave the home until it's safe to be there.
I hope you'll keep in touch here and let us know how you're doing. Always ready to listen.

With love,
Hope

P.S. on edit: 

``Letting Go''   

To ``let go'' does not mean to stop caring.

It means I can't do it for someone else.

To ``let go'' is not to cut myself off.

It's the realization I can't control another.

  To ``let go'' is not to enable,

but to allow learning from natural consequences.

  To ``let go'' is to admit powerlessness

which means the outcome is not in my hands.

  To ``let go'' is not to try to change or blame another.

It's to make the most of myself.

To ``let go'' is not to care for, but to care about.

  To ``let go'' is not to fix, but to be supportive.

  To ``let go'' is not to judge,

but to allow another to be a human being.

To ``let go'' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,

but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

  To ``let go'' is not to be protective.

It's to permit another to face reality.

To ``let go'' is not to deny, but to accept.

To ``let go'' is not to nag, scold, or argue,

but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

  To ``let go'' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,

but to try to become what I dream I can be.

  To ``let go'' is not to adjust everything to my desires

but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

  To ``let go'' is to not regret the past,

but to grow and live for the future.

  To ``let go'' is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE

Lots more re: detachment at this site:  http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm
« Last Edit: August 25, 2006, 05:26:35 PM by Certain Hope »