Author Topic: Critical People  (Read 2418 times)

Certain Hope

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Critical People
« on: August 24, 2006, 10:45:46 AM »

Hi,

 I've been reading alot about the effects of "Perfectionism" and how that drive to attain the impossible impacts people in so many ways, leading some toward obsessive compulsiveness and others into an all-engulfing depression, because they feel that they can never measure up. The more I've read, the more clear it's become to me that at the root of this perfectionistic tendancy is a critical spirit which is just as rigid and uncompromising toward self as upon anyone with whom the individual comes into contact. I think that this perfectionism and hyper critical attitude is a huge part of what drives those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder into self-oblivion.

  I remember one time when N ex-husband made a bird feeder for our yard and it came out all crooked and wobbly. I knew that he was perfectly capable of making something sturdy and straight, and yet he would often sabotage his own efforts by refusing to follow a few simple guidelines of construction (or cooking, or map-reading, or whatever would have ensured the success of the task at hand). At the time, I lived in dread of any of his creative efforts, because they were simply doomed to fall short... not because he lacked skill, but because he refused to behave as an ordinary mortal and follow the rules. He would often survey his completed work with a mixture of pleasure and bemusement, even occasionally commenting on the flaws, but I always knew better than to agree with him if he pointed out something that could have been better. You see, he would only comment on his flaws in an attempt to get me to gush all over him about how wonderful and creative and unsurpassable he was, inviting him to create yet another mess for me to have to accept gratefully. Anyhow, this bird feeder.... placed directly outside our bedroom window... was pathetic. Quietly, meekly, with my arms around him, I gazed fondly into his eyes and said... oh, I love it... it'll be so wonderful to watch the birds from our window here... thank you so much for making it... do you think that a couple pounds with the rubber mallet might help to straighten the stake which supports it?    oops.   He wheeled around and hissed at me, "I am NOT a perfectionist!!"     uh huh
 :?

Well, I was. I'm not any more, but I am aware of a critical spirit which spends most of its time undoing me (not others, at least not verbally). So I'm posting this article written by Dr. Linaman because for those of us who have this tendancy, possibly because of old "critical parent tapes" which run on continuous loop in our heads, I think we often need to learn and practice being gentler with ourselves. Once we get that down pat, I believe it's possible to radiate a more sincere kindness towards others instead of heaps of suggestions, corrections, and advice which are barely disguised by a veneer of accepting graciousness.

A less critical (my Plucky'ism  :))
Hope

Getting Along With Critical People
-- by Dr. Todd E. Linaman

We all have to deal with critical people at times. You know the type - the person who can spot a flaw from across the room, gives unsolicited advice, frequently complains and passes judgment, is negative and seems impossible to please.

We can all be critical. Every day, we literally critique everything that goes on around us consciously and unconsciously. Unfortunately, some people tend to verbalize the thoughts many of us have learned to keep to ourselves. When things don't go our way or we're in a bad mood it is easy to become critical. It's true, miserable people prefer miserable company. Critical people actually feel better around others who share the same negative attitudes. Before we spend time learning how to cope with other people's critical traits let's make sure we have our own well under control.

It can be quite challenging to get along with a critic, especially when we live, work or attend church with them. Here are 10 tips to help you get along better with critical people.

1. Understand what motivates people to be critical

Hurting people hurt people. Most critics were criticized themselves as children and did not develop the sense of security and healthy identity that can come from positive nurturing. They tend to have a low opinion of themselves and consequently feel best (although often frustrated) when attempting to achieve the unrealistic standards they set for themselves and others. Critics are often motivated by the need to feel better about themselves by putting other people down. Understanding their motivation can help us to develop empathy and compassion - two qualities that will help you get along with critical people.

2. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water

Although critical people often lack diplomacy and tact, they also tend to be able to size up people and situations accurately. You may be tempted to discount what you hear, but listen carefully to what they say because there is often valuable information underneath the sharp edges of the message.

3. Be willing to confront your critic

It is not easy to confront interpersonal problems, but it is typically the best approach. Be willing to tell the critic in your life how you feel about the way they interact with you. This won't guarantee change, however, by expressing your thoughts and feelings you are in a better position to manage your own emotions and behaviors. Emotional expression will decrease your chances of growing embittered, and consequently, doing or saying something you'll regret.

4. Focus on the truth not on the criticism

If someone puts you down, fight the temptation to dwell on the criticism. If there is something you can learn from the message, do so, but then move on. Instead of dwelling on the negative comment focus on the gifts, talents and strengths that you possess.

5. Be careful about what you share with the critical person

It's not always wise to share personal or important information with a critic about yourself or anyone else. Providing such information is asking for trouble because critical people often take things out of context, misinterpret or exaggerate information and place a negative spin on ideas or opinions. Learn how to discern what you should and should not reveal. When in doubt, don’t share.

6. Don't join in on criticizing others

It can be easy to fall into the trap of criticizing others when you're around a critical person. Joining in on the criticism only serves to legitimize the behavior in the mind of the critic, and the transition into gossip is close behind. Today the criticism is about someone else - tomorrow it could be directed toward you.

7. Limit the amount of time you spend with critical people

It may be very appropriate to limit the amount of time you spend with a critic. This, of course, can be difficult if they happen to be your spouse, parent or boss. However, it may be in your best interest to let the person know that your level of interaction with them will be based, in part, on their willingness to communicate with you in a constructive and appropriate manner. If the critic is your spouse you may benefit from consulting with a professional marriage counselor.

8. Control your response to critical people

Pay close attention to how you respond to criticism. If you tend to react with anger, hurt or intimidation, you will encourage the critical behavior. Critical people are often motivated to behave the way they do because of the response they trigger in others. When you learn to not overreact, the critic will likely move on to someone who will.

9. Try to understand the needs of the critical person

The emotional "gas tank" of a critical person is often very low. Criticism is sometimes an outward expression of an inward need - usually the need to feel worthwhile and significant. It is surprising how a sincere compliment, congratulations or demonstration of care and concern can improve your relationship. People with full emotional tanks are the least likely to mistreat others.

10. Maintain realistic expectations

Critical people don't change overnight. Even if they are making positive progress, they are likely to revert back to their old ways from time to time, especially under stress. Realistic expectations will help guide your interactions and will likely result in a healthier relationship.


Healing&Hopeful

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Re: Critical People
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2006, 11:02:57 AM »
Hi Hope

Thanks for posting about this… this is something I struggle with.

It’s easy to read that people respond better to praise rather than criticism, that by praising them you will get the best out of them, praising what they are good at, but it’s a lot hard to put into practice.

However with your ex n husband, it’s difficult.  Were you really criticising?  Just because it’s better to praise the good, doesn’t mean we have to lie if the bird table looked like it was about to fall over at the first bit of breeze.  Just a thought.

H&H xx
Here's a little hug for u
To make you smilie while ur feeling blue
To make u happy if you're sad
To let u know, life ain't so bad
Now I've given a hug to u
Somehow, I feel better too!
Hugs r better when u share
So pass one on & show u care

Certain Hope

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Re: Critical People
« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2006, 06:23:33 PM »
Hi Jac,

  I know what you mean. N ex-husband used the word "contrary", but he meant the same thing... of course, he heard every single remark as a criticism unless you were bowing down in adoration, kissing his feet.

  There's a big difference between constructive criticism and nit-picking, you know. Noticing that something is flawed and bringing it to the attention of others for the purpose of correcting it is not the same thing as having a critical spirit (which you do not have, in my opinion, just so ya know).

   What I'm talking about here is the person who... like my late aunt... saw every little defect in you within 1.8 seconds of laying eyes on ya and then proceeded to point out each and every one... run in hose, blemish on cheek, smudge in lipstick, etc., ad nauseum, every single time you'd encounter her. Same thing with restaurants, stores... she had an eagle eye for every tiny irregularity and was absolutley impossible to please. I always pitied any service-person who had to wait on her. Now that is a critical spirit.

  Anyhow, glad you liked the article  :)

Hi H & H,

  No.. you're right, in the case of the bird-feeder I was not at all criticizing ex-N. In fact, the more I think about it, I've not really ever been one to be that detail oriented... this gizmo he'd made was just so crooked as to be ridiculous and I don't believe I was at all out of line to say I'd like it straightened. That never happened, of course. In fact, I had to wait until he was gone to remove the thing.. and did so with great pleasure! I'm thinking maybe this was just another of N's lies I'd heard so many times that I'd come to believe it... contrary, contrary... not really. It was just that he did so many, many goofy things that warranted criticism (99.9% of which I kept to myself) that I began to think I couldn't see anything much positive. Well, for good reason! There wasn't much positive to see!! Thanks, H & H.

Accentuating the positive,

Hope
   

penelope

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Re: Critical People
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2006, 01:05:16 AM »
hi hope,

critical people used to Really get to me...but as I learned more about what makes them tick, I just started to feel more and more sorry for them.  Now, I smile or yawn when they start to criticize me or my work - I know it ticks them off, but it's a whole heck of a lot better than me getting ticked off.   :)

hugs,
bean

Certain Hope

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Re: Critical People
« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2006, 03:43:06 PM »
(((((((((PBeanie)))))))))   That's the way ! :)

Love,
Hope 

reallyME

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Re: Critical People
« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2006, 07:19:22 PM »
Hey Penelope,

Just sendin some love your way!

Brigid

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Re: Critical People
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2006, 09:32:54 AM »
Hi Hope,

This is good information, but unfortunately when your constant critic was your father, many of the suggestions cannot apply.  So much for daughters being adored by their dads--mine just found fault with literally everything I did, said, or thought about.  One of the more ridiculous things he used to tell me constantly--I am quite thin, always have been, and still weigh the same as I did when I graduated from high school--consequently, my chest wall is narrow, not a lot of room in there.  He would harp on me to do "deep breathing exercises" so as to expand my chest wall structure.  I actually believed this could be done since he said so, and would try to get more expansion.  Years later, I was sharing this with a doctor who laughed when I told him and he explained that you can't change bone structure.  I could go on for hours, but this is one I'll never forget.

I have tried over the years to not be like my father.  I have done a good job where my kids are concerned and very rarely ever criticized them unless it was constructive and offered kindly.  I did occasionally go after my exh, but only when he had really pushed me.  He was famous for starting projects and never finishing them, leaving a mess for months at a time, until either I finished it (if I could) or I called in someone else to do it.  It got to where I would beg him not to start something because I knew what would happen and it would end up driving me crazy.  I believe now that he was passively-aggressively doing it so I would finally get angry and he could turn around and tell me I was acting like my father, which he knew was about the worse thing you could ever say to me.

After living with my father, I have learned that I cannot exist with critical people on a regular basis.  It just takes too much out of me and I internalize most of what is said.

Brigid

Certain Hope

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Re: Critical People
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2006, 10:08:35 AM »
Hi Brigid,

  Oh, my. I am so sorry. I started to type... it's hard to imagine growing up under the influence of someone who made it so clear he wanted to re-form your very bone structure. But then I realized ... my mother has always made remarks about my "build" as it differs from her own, so as to imply that my bone structure is undesireable. I'm taller than she by a couple inches (5'9"), also thin, but broad- shouldered (from my dad, I guess). As she's aged, mother has become like a waif, she is so thin, and she loves to tell me how she has to go through her closet and pull out so many items that she can't wear because she'd just "swim in them". Years ago, when we could wear the same size, she used to pass on her cast-offs to me, but now she just talks about finding someone who could use them... since obviously I can't... not the right "build". Apart from pregnancies, I've stayed the same size since reaching adulthood, while she has run the gamut across about a 50# weight-spread (putting on alot of weight during her bout of heavy drinking), yet I've always felt like somewhat of a lummox compared to her version of refined delicacy  :P  So... these messages do get through to us as kids... whether they're blatant or more subtle.

   Re: your ex  ~  He was famous for starting projects and never finishing them, leaving a mess for months at a time

Yes. In addition, this one would be sure to put a twist into the project which would make it extremely difficult if not impossible for anyone else to come along behind him and make it right. Any attempt to suggest that there might be a better way would bring on his full use of all the ammunition he'd gathered from me in better times, re: my relationship with my mother and her extremely critical spirit. When he'd start daydreaming aloud about his next project my stomach would twist into knots because, like you, I knew that it would turn out like all those which had gone before. He was infamous for building flaws into things, although he was trained to know better. Using bad, old mortar, so the finished product would crumble. Omitting needed support beams, so the final result would sag. After he was gone, my homeowner's insurance was cancelled by the company with whom I'd done business for 20 years, all because of one of his projects. And yet he could be the harshest critic of all when it came to my work, never missing an opportunity to point out something it supposedly lacked (often bogus). I am so glad he's gone. Now if I can just get him out of my head.

   I think to myself... there's got to be a way to stop internalizing, but then... I'm with you. Why even expose ourselves to all that negativity in the first place?!?

Hugs, Brigid.
Hope

reallyME

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Re: Critical People
« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2006, 11:52:21 AM »
wow HOpe and Brig

I too was criticized but by my grandfather.  Every time I'd go to visit, he'd say "you're lookin a little plump around the middle, ey kiddo?  You need to walk or take up jogging exercises...every day I jog to mass in the morning, and I'm fit."

I used to HATE going to see gram cause of him.  He was hyper-criitcal of my weight all the years I can remember.  I lived my life on diet after diet because of those comments.

He finally stopped, when he developed prostate cancer.  Eventually he died of complications with leg surgery, 9 days after my gram died.  It was terrible.  I loved my gram.  She died of cancer that she did not deserve!

~Laura

Brigid

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Re: Critical People
« Reply #9 on: August 26, 2006, 12:42:38 PM »
Dear Hope,

Quote
But then I realized ... my mother has always made remarks about my "build" as it differs from her own, so as to imply that my bone structure is undesireable.

I'm sorry for you, too.  Why weren't we good enough and loveable enough the way we were.  That is the internalized message that never really goes away.  Even now, when I am told by friends or even those I am meeting for the first time how beautiful I am, or how much younger I look than my actual age, I still don't believe it.  I know I can get phobic about my appearance--everything must be perfect or I feel uncomfortable.  For others, it is the way their home looks, but for me it is my personal appearance.  Maybe it is a control thing.  How I look is the one thing over which I have complete control--I don't know.

Re:  your ex--
Quote
I am so glad he's gone. Now if I can just get him out of my head.

I'm glad for you and your children that he is gone too.  The physical part of separation can be a whole lot easier than the psychological part.  Many blessings on your journey to evict him from your mind.

Laura,
I'm sorry for you, too.  Being viewed as flawed and feeling unworthy by those we are close to is a very difficult thing to get past.  I hope you are learning to accept and love yourself as you are.

Brigid

Gaining Strength

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Re: Critical People
« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2006, 04:58:32 PM »
Certain Hope - my mother used to play a similar trick on my about weight.  When I wa in college I gained about 20 lbs. my first year and went from size 8 to 12.  My mother would greet me at holidays with such disgust, nevermind that she wore size 16 at that time.  What kind of lenses was she looking through?