N mother description

[gratitude28]

Penny,
Thank you for sharing so many hurtful memories. And Chris2, thank you for superbly breaking tham down and showing us the truth of them. I need to reread this... I see a ton that applies to my life as well.
Again, thank you both.
Love, Beth

[reallyME]

The one common thread with N mothers is that most likely they were also abused or neglected in their past.  No, N's do not love you and they do not care if you are hurting.  They DELIGHT in the idea of hurting you and watching you scream in anguish and frustration.  It's a hard thing to present here, but it's truth...these people are screwed up in their brains and their hearts and souls often follow. 

I know God can help even an N, but until and unless He does, just realize what you are dealing with and do not lose that objectivity

[Plucky]

Hi everyone,.
thank you for being brave enough to post all of these experiences.  I know for a fact that it is wrenching to do it.  Like drinking bleach - if it doesn't kill you, it will cleanse you.

I, too, learned early not to need anything.    But today that coping mechanism is a real problem.  I have a very hard time seeking any medical care.  As an aging woman, with some symptoms, I just feel a very strong inhibition about maintenance of my body, and even the fear of leaving behind my 2 little wonderful children has not been enough to push me over that edge.

This fact causes me stress also.  I have major headaches and toothaches.  What is the matter with me?
Plucky

[gratitude28]

Hi Plucky,
I am the same way. I think that it has to do with a few things (although I also haven't really worked it out yet).
I am afraid to admit I am imperfect. I always "hid" everything from my other. She made my life into this game of trying to catch me doing bad stuff. I feel like the Doctor will think I am bad if I am sick... that it is my fault and I wouldn't be this way if I just did the right things for my body.
Also, my mother dragged me to the Doctor endlessly (a bit of Munchausen's I do believe). She has been a nurse for a long time and feels superior realting to a doctor as she can "talk the talk." I think that's why she took us so much.
Does that ring a bell with you????????????????
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((Plucky))))))))))  It's so hard, I know. Besides not wanting to admit the need for medical care (because being weak and needy carries such connotations of blame from the past), there are all those trust issues involved... will the care provider be a good one who's sincerely interested in my well being? Will something else be uncovered that I won't be able to handle?
   For myself, I'm trying to change the basis of it all... to view this as a gift I can give myself, instead of a responsibility I owe to family, etc. Just to catch the vision of how pleasant life could be to not have those headaches, toothaches, (backaches, in my case)...  instead of waiting till it's a dire emergency before seeking help. Rearranging the thinking about these things is one of the final and most stubborn holdovers from growing up with such N'ish influences, I think. I know it's possible, though! Just need to catch that vision.

Big hugs,
Hope

[pennyplant]

Chris2,

Thank you for taking a look at my story and pointing out the specific red flags of N'ism.  That is the thing I have been unable to do so far, being so close to it, I suppose.

Sometimes I wish I had become the kind of person who hides from these truths and fills my time with distractions.  It is really hard to feel so sad about it.  Tonight that sadness is kind of coloring everything.  But.....I have always been more interested in real than fake.  Which makes me quite the opposite of the Ns in my life  .  Too bad I let them into my heart before I found out they won't do anything good in there.

I have read your post a couple times already and will read it again.  You are quite a survivor yourself.  And here you are able to write it out and explain it so clearly.  Thank you for that.

Pennyplant

[chris2]

Thank you for taking a look at my story and pointing out the specific red flags of N'ism.  That is the thing I have been unable to do so far, being so close to it, I suppose.

Plus it takes LOTS of thinking through, reading, thinking...

Tonight that sadness is kind of coloring everything.  But.....I have always been more interested in real than fake.  Which makes me quite the opposite of the Ns in my life  .  Too bad I let them into my heart before I found out they won't do anything good in there.

Maybe the sadness is a good thing. You're grieving your loss, but at the other end of it is accepting the loss and moving on, away from the narcissist. It's something I haven't been able to do - to grieve the loss of a family. I'm 100% anger. I agree with you that narcissists are fake. They lie to everyone, including themselves, and they allow themselves to believe really absurd things, if it feeds that undying hunger.

I have read your post a couple times already and will read it again.  You are quite a survivor yourself.  And here you are able to write it out and explain it so clearly.  Thank you for that.

I appreciate your painfully honest stories, which validate my own experiences and help me understand the mind of a narcissist better. As for the writing - my defense mechanism is intellectualization *grin*. But I'm glad it's helped. It helped me to write my response, as writing clarifies my thoughts.

Chris2

[pennyplant]

Hopsy and Beth,

Thank you for reading my story and offering support.  I have thought of that day often throughout my life.  But I don't think I ever really let myself feel it emotionally.  All the mistakes I made with my sons, and all the times I flew off the handle, and yet I just can't comprehend how my mother could do that to me.  It was so deliberate.  It was repetitive.  It was out of all proportion to what happened before.

No wonder I thought I was unworthy.  What other explanation for this kind of treatment could there be to the child's mind?  A baby really.  Only three years old.

Today I was thinking that I have erased that particular tape of me being unworthy.  I drove a lot today for work and had lots of time to think in the car.  I've been feeling low most of the day.  But I noticed that I did not automatically blame myself for the things I'm unhappy about today.  I think I have stamped out that particular ANT (automatic negative thought, thanks GS).  It seemed natural to just let my feelings exist and not look for the terrible things about myself that must have caused the difficulties and the sad feelings.  Progress, I believe.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

I did not automatically blame myself for the things I'm unhappy about

  !!

I'm so glad PP.

Hops

[penelope]

hello all,
I read GS's original post and the link last night..well, most of it; however, I found myself getting angrier and angrier and wanting to email my Mom a long (hateful) letter, sort of as a way to get revenge (not that N's really feel remorseful, so I don't know why I still think that telling her all the stuff she did would even hurt her).  So I stopped reading.  I soon forgot, the anger went away as I got tired and went to bed.

Anyway, I'm sorry I wasn't able to read everyone's responses on this thread.  I know that pp and hope have shared some bad experiences..and I wanted to give you a hug and to say I'm sorry.  You did not deserve your N mothers.

I think when I think of my N Mom now, I remember mostly the good things about her, and I guess I'm concentrating on those (since there are some good things, believe it or not).  But I certainly have not forgotten that she's just a Bad person, plain and simple.  Bad for me, not healthy for me to be around.  It is getting easier for me, I mean...I think.  Focusing on the positive more and more each day.

love to all,

bean

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Pennyplant)))))))))  Sounds like wonderful progress, indeed.

((((((((Pb)))))))) For you, also... wonderful progress... it's getting easier for me, too, to put all of these people from the past into perspective and deal with the few who are left in the present. I wrote again today to my parents. That's twice this month, with no hard feelings and no regrets... great progress for me.

Much love,
Hope

[pennyplant]

I know that pp and hope have shared some bad experiences..and I wanted to give you a hug and to say I'm sorry.  You did not deserve your N mothers.

I think when I think of my N Mom now, I remember mostly the good things about her, and I guess I'm concentrating on those (since there are some good things, believe it or not).  But I certainly have not forgotten that she's just a Bad person, plain and simple.  Bad for me, not healthy for me to be around.  It is getting easier for me, I mean...I think.  Focusing on the positive more and more each day.

Thank you for the hug, PB.  I can understand the getting angry.  There are so many reasons for anger.  But it probably goes better in small doses.  For me it does anyway.  Because each thing is so big in and of itself.  Just the things I put in the one post, well, I didn't feel the emotional side of it then.  And it is a little overwhelming to feel those particular emotions.  So, it has to be in small doses now--just so I don't get lost in it.

I can also understand that there were good things.  There were some good things in my growing up years, too.  Even the being ignored was good in some ways.  Those were the times when I could relax and come to my own conclusions.  The few opportunities to be my real self.

And all of this is part of going through it, not around it, and not stuffing it.

Thanks, (((((PB)))))

Pennyplant

[pennyplant]

Thank you Hops and Hope.

I am working on erasing another "tape" now.  After I think about it awhile, I will start a new thread.  It is related to the promiscuity posts that people have been writing lately.

PP