How do I deal with control games? Big rant

[Gaining Strength]

That's so lovely Hops.  Such kind, embracing words - they feel like sisterly love. -GS

[Stormchild]

Moon, your father is abusive.

His 'thing' is hurting people for fun and pleasure. Doesn't matter who.

Anything he can use, to get people within range so he can hurt them, he will. Doesn't matter what.

You can't change that by giving him opportunities to hurt you. Let me repeat:

You cannot change an abuser by giving them opportunities to abuse you.

All that does is reward and reinforce them.

But focus on keeping yourself safe from abuse, and something will definitely change!

[Sela]

Hiya Moon:

Glad you laughed!  That's a good sign...not losing your sense of humour....even in the face of difficulties.

Is there no power in kindness

I think there is but that power does not work with people like your father (and mine).  I think I went thru something similar.....years ago.  And I paid the price, as you are.  There is no weakness in kindness.  The weakness lies in those who do not embrace it lovingly but rather use it to cause more chaos.

It is not unkind to not talk to your father.  It is a consequence of his behaviour that he must accept.  It is not unkind to allow people to suffer the consequences of their own behaviour.  It is the only way they learn anything, if they learn anything at all.

It would be unkind of you to keep allowing him the chance to disrupt your life and upset you.  It would be unkind to you.  Please be as kind to you as you tried to be to him.  He does not value your kindness or embrace it lovingly.  He uses it to cause more chaos and that is unkind to you.

Kindness is powerful when it is embraced lovingly.  Give yourself that power!  Embrace yourself lovingly and say:  "I tried.  He failed to value my kindness.  Now I will be kind to myself to heal from the chaotic disruption
he caused.  And he will live with the consequences of his own behaviour, just like the rest of us."

((((((((((((Moon and Mr. Moon))))))))))))

Sela

[pennyplant]

Oh Moon, it is better for you, for your family and friends, for us and for the world--for you to be you in all your kindness.  Your kindness is a strength that cannot be compared to the abuse that Ns dish out.  Kindness is for the best.  You are tough--look at all that you have endured.  You keep getting back up.  You keep reaching out.  And you don't have to play dirty like the Ns do.

This specialist in anger therapy sounds like a very good idea.  You will have expert support while you learn about your anger and what to do with it.  I'm happy that Mr. Moon has stepped in and got you the medicine you needed and will take care of the phone for you.  It is completely understandable that you felt sorry for the N and answered the phone.  But now you know what he will stoop to.  You now have new knowledge and that changes how you have to deal with him.  Which is to not be exposed to him any more.

I'm so impressed that your D was able to stand up for herself with the new roommate.  You and Mr. Moon gave both of your daughters Voice.  They can go anywhere with that.

Yes, like everyone else said, be kind to yourself now.  You deserve it as much as anyone else you would be kind to.

Love, Pennyplant

[ANewSheriff]

Hops:

IT IS NOT GOOD FOR HIM--FOR HIS SOUL OR SPIRIT--TO BE FREE TO TAUNT YOU.

This is so true.  Anytime someone is mistreating another it shows that the abuser has not reached his or her full goodness spiritually.  They are spiritually sick.  To continue to throw ourselves into their path and feed their demented egos and behaviors is indeed feeding the beast. 

I have ended some very unhealthy relationships in my life because there was a cycle that seemed to not be breakable unless somebody chose to leave.  In most of these cases I look back and say the relationship wasn't good for that person or for me.  Both of us were responsible for co-creating our reality.  Sometimes the best thing is to simply "exit, stage right".

ANS 

[Gaining Strength]

Wow Moonie - that's a profound insight.  Put on your teflon shield and let that dumping reflect right back on him.  Just repeat to yourself, "I'm sorry you can't handle this pain but it is not mine and I can not hold it for you.  Only you can work it out for yorself." 

I have started doing this with great personal success.  Then I feel a deep sadness that I am unable to help but also a great freedom from the realization that taking on his pain does nothing to help him - it only spreads it to others.  Taking on the Ns stuff jus expands the toxicity and that's not fair to me or to the world.

Take care Moonie - Love Gaining Strength

[ANewSheriff]

Moon:

BIPOLAR has such a stigma and I have been hurt by thoughtless people

I know, Moon.  We are making progress in educating the public about mental illness, though, so do not despair too much.  There is still much to do, but when those who have battled these kinds of illnesses speak out and tell their stories and how they have recovered and been able to manage their illnesses, it makes a lot of difference.  I am proud of you for taking care of yourself and taking your medication.  Give yourself a hug today.

ANS 

[Stormchild]

((((((((((Moon))))))))))

if you would not mind letting me know what you are taking? i may have some useful information about it that i can share with you, depending on what it is -- and I am very glad that it is helping you!!!

[Stormchild]

She sounds like a terrific doctor, Moon, and she's very knowledgeable about the off-label uses of these drugs.

You are fortunate to have her, fortunate to have someone who will work with you and test different combinations, because everyone's chemistry is slightly different, and the standard approach just doesn't fit all.

Thanks for asking about my tum; there's marked improvement .