so many 'threads' in my head !

[2bbetter]

Hi All

I look through the board and realise how much the inside of my head is like it

I just have SO many things going on in there these days, there's so much I'd like to talk about that if I wrote it all down I'd fill a book, or if I posted each as a new topic there'd be heaps, like a board hijack or something 

Yet so much has built up, and keeps building. Like just seeing a recent post about unreal apologies, I read that & it opens up a whole can of worms

Everything just keeps drifting from one thought thread to another. Surrounded by reminders of painfilled memories.

I just wanna go crawl under a rock

[penelope]

dear 2b,

I recently went through this process you describe.  It is horribly painful (I found myself crying every weekend for several months straight - I think I waited for the weekends cause I was holding myself together during the week for work).

Anyway, with the help of my T and the support of my b/f, who held me most of these times and just let me cry and cry and feel the pain and sadness and grieve the loss of my N parents, I slowly began to feel better.

In other words, the pain deepened for me before it got better, as I came out of denial about my parents.

I hope you will stick with it, cause I am finding that as I've finally given myself permission to grieve, I have started to feel a sense of inner peace.  Also, I'm finding myself to be much stronger than I ever knew, and finding that I have the strength and reserve to heal my inner child, I don't need my parents to do that for me now.  Yes, I would have much preferred to have grown up with this, it would have precluded years of pain and confusion...suicidal thoughts and more..  but, now that I finally understand, I am finding the strength within to heal.

hugs 2b.  You are strong and courageous for taking such a hard look at this.  Many people never do that.

p bean

[Certain Hope]

Hi 2b,

 It surely can be overwhelming at times and seems to cycle for me, between periods of relatively consistent focus and feeling just utterly swamped by it all.

  I agree with Pb ... you are strong and courageous to even be willing to face the enormouty of the situation; stronger than you ever guessed, I'm thinking.

  What helps me with this is to stop trying so very hard to force it...  to force myself to narrow it down... and just sit with the thoughts. The thoughts will not destroy you. No matter their number and regardless of how conflicting they seem to be, they cannot overtake your determination to be whole. They do have a way of prioritizing themselves as we're able to simply allow them to present themselves and not respond with fear and shame. I believe that you can do this. Wishing you the very best in your efforts.

Hope

[2bbetter]

Thanks PB & CH

Its nice to feel that even people I've never met care 

Something about the internet communication, the anonymity being liberating

(which pops up memories & 'threads again! But they don't hurt so much anymore, they have got to being "just there" now, & I hope I never actually really lose them, cos they are good warnings in that although I [and people like me] find an honest openness in this sortof anonymous communication, there are those who pervert it to use the lack of face to face cues to hide their real agendas)

I started to launch into some background just now, & it just got longer & longer, so I just cut it & will go to a new thread

I feel I'm leading up to a or THE big question, which I'm sure nobody can answer but me, but when I get around to it I look forward to comments from all here anyway

[Gaining Strength]

2bbetter

I started to launch into some background just now, & it just got longer & longer,

Go on an post even if it is long.  It is very theraputic just because:

Something about the internet communication, the anonymity being liberating

And remarkably your posts will often help someone else.

Glad you are here - Gaining Strength

[ANewSheriff]

2b:

I just wanna go crawl under a rock

No need to hide, 2b.  You are amongst friends.  Take a deep breath and focus on what is in front of you for the moment.  We'll stay with you. 

penelope:

Also, I'm finding myself to be much stronger than I ever knew, and finding that I have the strength and reserve to heal my inner child, I don't need my parents to do that for me now.

It is a funny sort of idea isn't it - this re-parenting ourselves?  But, I have found this to be the path to some peace, as well.  For a long time I had a really hard time embracing the "inner child" or my "little girl".  It seemed so touchy, feely.  But, I have found that this has been very much a part of my recovery - acknowledging her.  Again, this fierce reluctance to honor myself (and this little broken being) was part of my poor self esteem and feelings of unworthiness.  Ick.  Glad we have a place to explore all this. 

ANS

[gratitude28]

2b,
When I started putting this all together and it was so consuming to me, I carried a notebook around. I filled it with everything I could remember that fit into the pattern of my mother's behaior. I wrote and wrote and I read here and wrote here.
My notebook still has the stuff in it, and it's just pages to me now. It doesn't hurt like it did. I am still using the notebook... for grocery lists and things.
GET IT ALL OUT. And in getting it out, you will feel such a renewal. And please do share with us... even long rambling posts. Like the others said... someone can always relate, or even help.
Welcome!!!!
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Hi 2B,
Trust yourself.
Set your own pace, with reading, contemplating.

Taking it all the richness here at once could be too much.

It's fine to take one bite at a time.

You Bhealthy, okay?

Glad you're here,
Hops