So, once again, you have left me. Left me again, after I ignored you, did not listen when you tried to worm your way in. But the minute I paused, you came to talk. After completely twisting the conversation off topic, you ask me if I love
you.
I say Yes, of course I do, you know that. I ask you the same...but you have to pause (because you know
this will hurt me and allow you more control as I wait for your important
answer). And finally say Yes, You love me. And then you immediately leave me. AGAIN!
And I have been duped AGAIN. Yes, you are so smart, aren't you? You are so
superior, aren't you? You are the all powerful, all controlling one. Your
ego must be soaring. You must be the envy of even yourself.
But I know better, and you know that I do, and this is why you have to run.
You are hollow. You are unkind. You are uncaring. You say again and again that no one has
ever hurt you. That you can't see pain in another because you've never
felt pain yourself. I say then THERE IS SOMETHING DEEPLY WRONG WITH YOU.
I say, if you have never felt pain, it is because you have obviously never
given in any true way. You have never loved another. You have never been betrayed? It is because you have
made sure the you are the perpetrator of hurt, rather than ever being the
receiver thereof. And how do you do this?
By reeling someone in. Appealing to their sense of kindness and decency. By "needing" them.
By manipulation. By game playing. By "loving" and then cruelly discarding and devaluing
the one you "claim" to love. (Um, yeah, that would be me, in case you've already forgotten.)
It is not love. It is evil. It is control. It is power.
Does it make you feel like a big boy? You claim over and over
your tired line..."I'm just Danish." What does it mean? And "I'm just a
kid." Well, what about when you're 40? I suspect you will be thinking the same
line. Perhaps still saying it, if you aren't too ashamed or self absorbed to notice that you
are still saying it years later. It's not likely you will even notice.
You say I made a difference, You are praying. You have found God, all
because of me? Well whoopee for you. If that was true, you would have
called me. You would have apologized with some semblance of sincerity, or understanding. You
would have cared that you hurt me. You would have understood what you have done that is so hurtful.
And most importantly, you would have tried to make amends.
You did none of those things.
And you still haven't. You're "I'm sorry" is meaningless, because you don't get it. How could it have meaning when you don't understand what you have done? Nor care? I am only an object of supply for your ever increasingly arrogant ego.
You still claim you want to have a "two hour conversation" with me, where you do all the talking, and I am expected to just listen. THEN I'll understand. Once again, there is no room for anyone but you in that scenario. But that is by design. It's always all about you. And Oh yes,
I can hear the phone ringing now, since it's so important to you to see me,
speak with me, have me in your life. hmmm? Gee, I still don't hear that
phone. Is yours broken? Or do you have to work (because we all know how big and important your business is, and in fact, it's so very important that whatever you do to anyone "on your way up" is deemed acceptable. There are no consequences for you, because you are SPECIAL!). Or is it your family? Or
your boss? A new deal you have to win? Or you're tired? Or you're stressed? Or it's just bad timing? Or
I'm too old? Or you're too young? Or I'm too smart? Or you just can't handle me? Or you're too focused
on this "mystery" goal? POSH and BALDERDASH.
What it all is, is ONE BIG LIE. This is why I feel revulsion after every
contact with you. I get sucked in by the supposed "look" in your eyes. The
"depth." The "connection." But it's all a sham. A lie. And nothing more. But terribly destructive. But hey, what do you care? You don't. If you claim you do, it's a lie.
The only "connection" we had/have is one of my trying vainly to trust in someone who is incapable of giving, incapable of
understanding what a gift trust is to another, one who consistently has abused and
stomped on that trust and betrayed me hurtfully over and over again. You have nothing to give. You only take and and take and take again. And then you leave, until the next time. And if I let you, you'd be happy to continue to do so.
I won't.
I AM an idiot, for allowing you to take up space in my heart and my head.
You do not care in the least for me. You do not see my value. Only you
matter. Only you are important. Only you exist.
And it makes me want to vomit. Harsh does that sound? Well, it's not as
harsh as the number of times that seeing you for 10 minutes has left me in
bed for a day or a week or a month trying to recover from your manipulation. That is revolting.
I must shut the door on YOU and lock it tight. I am at last, ABANDONING, YOU! Can you believe it? Wow!
I hope God will help you. But I, can't.
