can you help me

[shock523]

i feel hopeless & confused.i know i need to do something but what???
last nite we both watched a true life movie.afterwards he started on about me not giving him info.regarding the children eg. in trouble at school. i do this to protect the family.he completely overreacts  & causes misery to everyone.this apparently leaves him feeling 'not a parent'.i basically told him why but he says by law he's entitled to know.i just said i dont  do it to annoy him but to keep the peace.he says when i do this i make things worse[hes not talking about everyone else-just himself]
things escalated & he said i was like the woman in the movie.[she has an affair with sons best friend for 14 years & he lives in the attic for this time without the husbands knowledge.she is a self-centred bitch] He feels like the boy victim in the movie .
how honestly can what he is saying be true???i am 7 years older than him.he is a high-powered merchant banker with a huge income but when we got together he was studying & i supported him.apparently now im just after the money.
i just get left feeling confused.maybe im unaware how nasty i am to him.maybe i am like that woman-but i dont see it

[Healing&Hopeful]

Hi Shock

I don't think you're unaware how nasty you are to him.... what you are saying makes perfect sense, and I'm not surprised you are confused. 

Do you believe what he is saying is true?  Maybe try thinking away from him, is this possible?  Sometimes having a little bit of space (and I'm not saying move out here, just get a bit of time to yourself, whether it may be an afternoon somewhere, or possibly a night staying with family/friends?  You don't say how old your children are so I'm not sure how feasible this is)  To give yourself time to clear the confusion and then when you don't feel confused anymore you may have more insight on how to move forwards.

((((((((((((((((((((Shock)))))))))))))))))))))))

Take care

H&H xx

[Hopalong]

Hi,

I hope you have a wise, compassionate therapist you can go to for help with a reality check.
The movie helped me identify some feelings of victimization...do you know a lot about his childhood?

A T could help you both learn to communicate without blaming.

Hopalong

[shock523]

hopalong,i know you mean well but are you saying im trying to blame him.it isnt me who wants fights,says black is white & tries to screw with everyones minds.yes i do blame him with damn good cause.i have taken the blame for everything for a long time because of his ability to fool me.now im starting to see the truth & im told not to blame him.
from a very very angry person
ps. i dont necessarily disagree but at the moment this just doesnt feel right

[Certain Hope]

Dear Shock.

  I hear you. You are trying to keep the peace. There is no peace with NPD because N won't allow it. My time with NPD ex husband was a constant whirlwind of chaos and there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it or stop it. Even when I said not a word, he would initiate a battle due to some alleged expression on my face or body posture. He'd make up things that I'd supposedly said or start sabotaging things around the house to try to get me to speak up. There is no way to maintain constancy and calm with NPD. None.
 I don't know whether your husband is NPD, but the more you read about this disorder and communicate here and in counseling, I believe it will become more clear to you. Please keep talking and know that you are not alone. I just hope and pray that he is not physically dangerous to you and your children.

With love,
Hope

[WRITE]

This sort-of jumps out at me:

he says by law he's entitled to know

it's very typical of someone with empathy problems to focus on something like this, rather than 'I really want to know...' or some other way of expressing his feelings.


I guess you just have to build yourself up, so start by detaching a little and not taking on board his view of the universe.

My N ex is amazed now at the power he once had over me, I grew to thinking I was so incapable and stupid, but the only way I was stupid was in listening to all his vitriolic tirades.

But when you're constantly attacked it undermines your sense of self.

That's what you can work to recover and build up.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Hi Shock,
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that. I think I was just noticing that he might be feeling like a scared young boy if that's who he responded to in the movie. I also heard that he's in pain over not feeling able to father more. I think a lot of men are carrying around great anguish over that, so that's why I had a compassionate thought toward him as well as you.

None of that means his perspective is fair at all though. I haven't heard enough of your story to understand well yet. That's why I suggested a counselor...seems that it might help you evaluate how bad things are (or he is) and anything in your own actions you might be unaware of . (You mentioned being nasty, but maybe I misunderstood...you didn't mean it literally)?

You have my sympathy and support. Confusion feels awful but it's a good place to start!
This is all such a slow process, but worth it.

Hope that helps,
Hops

[shock523]

sorry for being so defensive.i just feel all over the place at the moment.
when i wrote he feels hes not a parent he is saying that with respect to me not telling him whats going on with the kids who by the way are keegan17,hamish 15 &brenna 9.the 2 older boys are with their dad in australia & we have moved to london for 2 years for my husbands job.brenna is my present husbannds child with me.
i know we need help but i dont know where to go.we already had counselling with a guy in australia who caused more problems than anything & altho i told him about the abuse my husband would throw at us he didnt seem interested.if anything i feel he thought my husband was wonderful.i felt unheard & nothing changed.jon would come home from seeing him on his own sometimes & have a smirk on his face & i wondered what they'd been discussing.
also i have noticed at times he is a little hurt boy[actually this is often].he even used to talk in a baby voice!!!!!!he will come home looking guilty sometimes & its because he bought himself some cd's.he somehow feels so bad about this but ive always said thats fine you deserve that.his behaviour about this never changes tho.

[Gaining Strength]

Dear shock -
I am so sorry about what you are going through. I have had the experience wth marriage counselors that left me feeling like you

i felt unheard & nothing changed

When you feel that way, it is not very likely that you are receiving something of value.  But don't give up.  don't give up on finding help or hope.  I find that this is a great place to come and sort out your confusion until you can figure out what to do next, until you can figure out where to go for help or even what kind of help you need.  Just keep posting and find something to hold onto for hope. 

Gaining Strength