I'm on a new kick. digging out my resentments as a process of healing my anxiety. Look what I found. I wanted to bring back a few kernals but the whole was so excellent. It touches on several current threads and it gives me direction. Help me have the courage to follow this.
I found it at
http://awakeinthedream.org/?p=6001.06.06Healing ResentmentPosted in Journal at 9:29 am by mystic4amore
The last few weeks there has been a recurring flushing up of feelings of resentment and grievances with my wife and I regarding a mutual business acquaintance. In the dream, it seems this individual is bi-polar and exhibits erratic behavior, forgetfulness, aggression, memory loss, verbal attacks to name a few. These, of course, are reports that have been shared with me by my wife in her experience with this person. I have not directly experienced any of these things with this person, in fact, all my encounters with her have been Holy Encounters as each time I interacted with this ‘brother’ I felt I was looking upon her as myself. This is not to say that I haven’t experienced frustration in regard to thoughts of this person, as I have, on several occasions, struggled with the behavior and decisions that were being reported. A clear example that I never react to anything directly, only to my interpretation of it. And since I was engaged in business with this person as a consultant these reports would flush up much frustration and I would ask for guidance and light from Holy Spirit to help me see this differently. It also seems that since my wife began working for this person that she comes home regularly with frustration and issues surrounding this persons behavior and attitudes and these calls for love were not always recognized by me and the usual ego struggles would ensue.
I began to see these as
wonderful healing and learning opportunities, however, my wife was not yet seeing them with such acceptance. Even while I struggled with all this
I remained willing to be wrong and open to seeing it differently and this has kept me more at peace than I would have been otherwise. So this weekend it seemed to reach it’s climax, that is, the resentments and grievances that seemed to be brewing came clearly to the surface.
Daily I had prayed for Holy Spirit to guide me and my invitation to Him has been deliberate and a conscious choice, while the moment to moment choices were not always consistent. As my wife and I discussed the issues,
I could hear blame repeatedly and even as I attempted to be clear and open to right-mindedness, I would find my mind choosing blame as well and then letting it go.
Like a yo-yo I was, back and forth, back and forth, seeming to allow the image I was interacting with to influence my choice. Deep down I knew that
forgiveness was the only answer and when left alone, my mind would clear and I could see that this was the only choice. What I needed and eventually gained was enough right-mindedness to remain at peace in the midst of the storm.
It does not seem that I can control anyone else’s behavior and here is where discernment is valuable.
As long as I do what is most helpful for me I will be doing what is most helpful for the entire Sonship. Being forgiving doesn’t require that one be a doormat to be walked upon in any situation but this too is perceptual and cannot occur with right-minded perception. Holy Spirit guided me in calm and clarity, sharing through me words that were helpful to my wife’s fears and frustrations and at the same time
teaching me the value of love and acceptance. As I listened, He assured her that our
disappointments about life are wholly based in decisions made out of fear and the seeds of resentment are planted within those decisions. The example was given that if you are not doing what you love, resentment takes root and grows, slow sometimes and faster for others but still will grow until it reaches a point where we cannot hold it back and it surfaces in the form of anger, depression, bitterness, etc, and usually at the most inappropriate time, we blow up.
After it surfaces, we then stuff it, lying to ourselves that we feel better, not addressing it and then the cycle repeats itself.Why then, do we not do what we love?
Our choices are made out of fear which begins the vicious cycle of resentment. Money, security, things, these are the deceptions of the ego which are the thoughts held dear and valued which is the basis for the decisions.
And when the premise is wrong, the outcome can never be anything correct. Fear of failure, fear of starving, fear of success, fear of what others might think, fear of loss, etc are the erroneous thoughts that are held as true. The mind is split and must choose. Holy Spirit asked, ‘If you were to consider what your Father would say about you from His Heart of Hearts, what would He say about you?’ Continuing He said, ‘You Are Beloved, My Child, Perfect and Eternal, Goodness and Light, Love Forever.’ This brought a warm loving feeling into the room and my wife and I both sat there grateful for such a loving thought. He went on,
‘This is the Voice for God which you do not listen to. Consider the voice you listen to, telling you that you are not worthy, you’ll never amount to anything, you must strive to be something, you are deprived and lacking in your life, you are needy, etc.
Which voice is Love?’ We both sat sharing a peaceful smile knowing the truth and experiencing a miracle.
‘How can I no longer be a victim?’ my wife asked. Holy Spirit then shared the metaphor of watching a play and realizing that the actors were playing characters who were merely acting out their portion of the script exactly as it was written, giving no hint or letting on at all, that this was so. In fact, so convincing was their part that we began to believe they were actually ‘causing’ our suffering instead of seeing that they were merely showing us our misperception as a reflection that needed only be seen for what it is. ‘Step back’, He advised, ‘watch the play unfold and see how perfectly it occurs. Resist not the temptation to keep the scene on stage as it has ended and needs to move stage left so the other actors may enter to act out their portion. Like a movie or play you may attend in the dream, do you stop the play to hang on to the scene or the characters after they have completed their parts? Can you stop the movie to hang onto the last scene that was merely one in many to bring to light the message contained within it? If you do not let the movie or play fulfill it’s purpose in completion you will not understand the message, purpose or goal of it. Let go of the idea that you know what anything means or what anything is.
Realize, if only for a moment, that you have been mistaken about everything, including your life, and let the Love of God rush in as you open your mind with willingness to be healed.’It became very clear to me what I needed to do regarding the circumstance I perceived myself to be in and as a result I was clearly guided to take the most helpful action to alleviate the misperception and that all was working together for good, without exception. My wife, still not completely convinced, was very grateful for the time spent and felt she did have a better understanding of things. She stated that while she is not completely ready to accept that she is mistaken about everything, she is willing to admit that she might be, for the most part, mistaken about everything and that is a start. We laughed. Both of us felt a sense of relief and what seemed to be troubling us was gone. A tremendous amount of healing took place and we truly witnessed the miracle. The sense of resentment and grievance has passed and there is Now a renewed feeling of connectedness.
All Glory to God.
