Mari -
I want to share part of my story with you because I identify closely with your situation. My only child is 5. When he was 7 months old his father died. Since his father's death I have come to realize that his father had Borderline Personality Disorder with narcissistic traits. I knew that my husband would not leave me, but he tormented me. At times, like your husband, he lashed out in anger saying that I only married him to father a child and that I would leave after our child was born. He would say horrendous things about me to his two grown children and to me about me, my friends, my mother and my grandmother (who died long before I met my husband.) On July 4, a week before he died, our newspaper runs a page of photos of "Local Heros". That day my picture, holding our son, was included, honoring me for my work. I wanted to go get a copy of the paper that morning to see the picture, but my husband was angry about it and made it difficult for me to go. During our three years of marriage I have received two other awards and each time he could hardly speak to me or he made a comment about how I didn't deserve to be recognized. It was only after he died and I learned about BPD and narcissism did I have an inkling of what was going on.
I am telling you this because I want you to understand that I have been where you are. But I also have a father who is NPD and so I have come at this issue from more that one perspective. With that said, it is not clear to me what you should do. Each set of circumstances call for different responses. I encourage you to find a therapist who is knowledgable about Narcissism. You mention talking to your parents. Are you close with them? Are they supportive? Build a srong support system - you will need it if you stay or if you go.
Part of the great difficulty for you is that in leaving your husband your problems will not be solved because you will still be tied to him through your child. You must learn to protect yourself whether you stay or leave. That is the paramount issue. To do this you really need to find a psychiatrist or psychologist who is experienced in dealing with this issue. Being a single mother is very difficult but as a widow, I can make all of the choices for my child without being undermined and without being sabotaged. You will not have this freedom. By leaving he may try to make your life as great a hell as it is now. While I would not want anychild to grow up with a narcissistic father you will be the moderating factor in your child's life. That will make a significant difference. There are several people on this site who had one loving parent and one N parent and from reading their posts, it seems that the loving parent made a real difference.
I know that you are in a terrible place but you will find a way to cope. You must begin to build a tremendous support system and if your parents are supportive of you start there. Educate yourself and your parents about narcissism and start building a strategy. You will find a way to survive this and a way to provide a loving, caring environment for you baby.
All my prayers are with you today, tomorrow and in the months and years to come. - Gaining Strength
